Avoiding/prolonging a transition to try to see if I will feel feminine again

[Tadpole]

I have always been androgynous and sometimes I'll go back and forth between a more feminine identity and a more masculine one. Before recently the idea of transitioning didn't occur to me. I'm really in my masculine state right now more than ever. The last time I remember being like this I was about 21. It seems like I might not phase out again. I can remember a few times that I felt sort of comfortable dressing in women's clothes and didn't consider it something to do only because I was avoiding the hurt I might incur by openly identifying as androgynous. I now am more comfortable being fully open about it and discussing it with others. But I'm more masculine than feminine as well. I keep thinking of going back into the closet. I know that it's not the best decision and one that some people might scoff at but I also think I could become comfortable with being feminine again but somehow now I don't know if it will ever happen. It confuses me quite a bit. I guess I met a few people who were more androgynous but take hormones. I feel now that just cross-dressing might not be enough. But I don't know if I could develop a fully masculine identity without that being forced as well. I'm so confused...

[brainiac]

Do you think you might be bigender? You may not need to "choose a side", so to speak. Try to separate your feelings about being closeted/other people's acceptance and what you would do in an ideal world--that's hard, I know, but I think it might get you closer to figuring out who you really are.

[Tadpole]

I'm not always sure about what I feel about technical terms or labels, but I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to be one or another in order to be who I am. Sure, it might make me feel uncomfortable to deal with some people who judge me for not fitting into a stereotypical male or female image, but I will probably be more comfortable with myself if I just do whatever makes me feel comfortable, not what society dictates.

[Tadpole]

I guess I might never feel like I fit into one or another completely and being hypermasculine is maybe just as uncomfortable for me as trying to be hyperfeminine. If I can carve out an identity that is halfway inbetween and feel comfortable with it, well, that's partially why I'm here-the opportunity to discuss with like-minded individuals is great.

[Jamie D]

I'm not always sure about what I feel about technical terms or labels, but I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to be one or another in order to be who I am. Sure, it might make me feel uncomfortable to deal with some people who judge me for not fitting into a stereotypical male or female image, but I will probably be more comfortable with myself if I just do whatever makes me feel comfortable, not what society dictates.

Hey!  +1 for that thought.  You really are a denizen of the Unicorn Forest. 

[Tadpole]

Why thank you! A unicorn forest just sounds so... pleasant!

[jesseofthenorth]

If I can carve out an identity that is halfway inbetween and feel comfortable with it,

That is pretty much where I am now after years of waffling back and forth on the idea of transitioning. I no longer feel like I have to "pick a side" (or gender )
I'm just me. It feels really great too

[Taka]

i feel like i'd die if i picked a side, the thought of having to live my entire life in only one gender is terrifying. would be nice if people were open minded enough to take me for the person i am at any given time instead of having to tell me that you can only be one, or the way most people do, tell me that i am what i was born as no matter what my own opinion on the matter is.

[Tadpole]

Hey Jesse, it's good to hear from someone else who has thought about this for a long time and realize that it's not just me. I feel like some people around me are expecting me to come to some kind of decision on the matter fairly soon now that I've started talking about it.  Or that they think I mean nothing of the thought. In reality, I do mean something by it and I could go through with it. But I also see it as a distinct possibility that I might basically stay who I am at this point.

Taka, choosing a side's difficult. I know I myself probably feel more male than female. But really, it just varies day by day.

People who are open-minded to true androgyny regardless of decisions made on how to express that are great!
I really think there are more than two genders!

[jesseofthenorth]

I really think there are more than two genders!

Western culture is one of the few that adhere so stricly to the idea that there are only two genders. There are many many places in the world where they idea of only two genders is abhorant. Too bad this isn't one...yet.

[black_moon_dust]

Sometimes i get confused. I like the idea of having a normal flat male looking chest, deeper voice, and facial hair yet at the same time, love having long hair and wearing makeup. I like the looks that are between masculine and feminine.

[Danielle Emmalee]

I like the idea of having a normal flat male looking chest, deeper voice, and facial hair yet at the same time, love having long hair and wearing makeup. I like the looks that are between masculine and feminine.

I also like this, minus the facial hair. 

[black_moon_dust]

Lol, well the deep voice and facial hair are two of the things i am eager over. not talking full out bear or anything but the idea of a goatee and wearing makeup is something i like and desire.

[Night Haven]

Male chest and a deep-but-not-exclusively-male voice are my fancy. Body hair is just... No, for me; I like not having any. But there are still aspects of each sex I'd rather pick out and piece together if I could.
Frankly, if I could opt for a dick and vagina, I'd be on the moon.

As for the original post--
I'm waiting a while too, partially for age-related reasons (and that I'm not necessarily "out" yet), as well as uncertainly that I'd always feel more comfortable in a male body.
I'm pretty sure I'm getting chest surgery eventually, but as for T and bottom surgery...
The former I don't think I'd take, or at least not for a long period of time.
The latter, maybe not, and at least not until I think the technology has gotten advanced enough to give me something to work with that can function on its own. And, by then, hopefully I'll be able to keep my female bits without having to fight for the right to do so while still getting a phalloplasty.

[Tadpole]

I'm seeing a new doc tomorrow about this. Luckily I've met her before and feel comfortable discussing it. I've been thinking again that I might try hormones out for a short period of time if the situation permits and see if my body can even handle them and if so, how it makes me feel and what I think of the changes over a short period of time and if I want to continue them. Dealing with ma'am still gets me. I'd kind of rather have a dick. Not that there's anything wrong with the other. I suppose regarding hair I like it, but maybe not too intensely. Low voice is better for me, but I would prefer a low soft voice over a low booming one.

[Taka]

it should be possible to get low doses. even cis women can get low doses of t for some problems, though they'd only take enough to get the right balance with e. taking more than that should make some physical changes happen, but it's very difficult for anyone to tell how much you'd need or how fast it would happen. just look through the ftm forums for their stories. gel, cream and injections also give different results, and if you are to try you should probably go for what makes you feel internally balanced rather than try for quick or slow physical changes. at least that's what i plan to try when i can just find the right doc.

i might end up getting top surgery one day, but i'm putting off that thought until i'm sure that it's worth it.

[Tadpole]

Yeah, it looks like low doses are recommended to start out. So I might go with that, but approval is still necessary.