IS IT TIME TO SAY SOMETHING

[mary83054]

Here is my problem and any advice is greatly appreciated.  I am transexual and am still coming to terms with what that is going to mean for me.  In other words I haven't been able to make the decision yet, as to transition or not--but am finding the need to be more Mary is getting stronger and stronger.  I am currently working in an area that makes it extremelly dangerous for me to "come out" or even get caught cross dressing and yes, it could actually be life threatening. Because of contractual issues we are (I am married) working on geting out of this situation but it will take time.  Enough brief background--Last night we had a friend and colleague over to the house for dinner I love to entertain ( I was in my male personna as that is all she knows me by) we were showing pictures of a recent trip I made and somehow I flicked into a file that contained pictures of me as Mary--she was siting right next to me and so of course saw it and I had some difficulty getting out of it as I panicked a little.  I made a joke of it and said it was an old Halloween picture and she seemed to but it.  later during the evening my wife slipped up and called me Mary when asking for something and then quickly stumbled into my real name.  WE both felt it was obvious but our friuend never said another word.  The question we are now asking ourselves is should we go ahead and talk to this lady--she would be the first person except for my wife that I have told (including family).   She is a good friend and we will soon have to tell her we will be leaving the "field" and going back home--but should we go ahead and tell her about Mary.
    I guess I should add that as I am More and More Desiring to become Mary I find myself hating the fact that I continue to have to hide. and on occasion found myself almost blurting out my situation to several other friends or acquaintances at times that I know would have been improper.

Well, it may not seem like a biggie to any of you but this is a real biggie for me and my wife and we are not eactly in agreement --she wants to tell and I sort of do but am scared and afraid of the consequences.

Love to all

Mary

[Sarah Louise]

I just love those "freudian" slips.  I think both you and your wife were subconciously trying to give this friend a hint.  I know I did things like that with my business partner before I actaully came out to him.

As for your friend, she probably won't say anything to you about it unless you start the conversation.  Would you be putting her in an ackward position if you told her. 

You need to be ready for the consequences of telling her, if she doesn't accept.  However on the other hand, if she does understand and accept then you know you have a good friend.

Sarah

[Shelley]

Hi Mary,

I recently went through a pretty awful patch in my life where my wife found out about my crossdressing and my frequent visits to Susan's. Her reaction at the time was quite unexpected. I say unexpected because I was pretty sure that she was aware of what was going on and as such on on many occasions I was right on the verge of coming out to her. Many of the things we discussed related to styles of clothing, makeup colours and styles and shoes. We both loved talking about shoe styles.

Unfortunately for me we were both on different wavelengths and as I said she had no idea of what I was going through. I subsequently became very sloppy in how I covered my tracks which may or may not have been a subconcious effort to inform her without having to work up the nerve.

The point I am trying to make here is that your wife and yourself are tuned into the situation and your friend is probably not. Therefore your friend may actually have no idea whats coming. If your situation is as dangerous as you say, and I don't doubt that fact for a minute, you need to be very careful.

If you are going to be out of that situation soon it may be best to keep it to yourself for now. On three occasions I have come out or been pushed out and on all three ocassions I have been met with non-acceptance. Two of these occasions I lost somene I love. Non of these occasions were life threatening but each resulted in deep hurt.

In your situation it seems that the consequences are even more dire and therefore you need to be even more careful. The decision is yours ultimately but please consider this what if your friend cn't accept your situation and decides for some moral reason to out you what will happen. You need to know that you can live with the consequences.

Which ever way you go MaryI hope it goes well and remember thatwe are here for you.

Shelley

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Mary

Shelly is quite right.  Both you and your wife have to consider the consequences of coming out to your friend as it can go several ways.  On the one hand she may completely accept you  after the revelation, and then she may not and want nothing to do with either of you again.  Either way you will have to either tell her it's OK for your friend to tell others, or it's not OK, and now you put pressure on her.  Also, another question you have to consider is what are you going to reveal exactly, that you are a transsexual, or a cross dresser etc...

You have said that you are still trying to come to terms with who you are, so maybe it would be best to wait a while until you are a little more certain.  Once you start this journey it's heard to go back, and then after a certain point it's almost impossible.  Right now you have control of the issues that you face.  Once you start to come out, you will quickly loose control of those issues, and that is where it becomes tricky.

I would recommend you wait, think about what you have been told here, discuss all this with your wife and then plan, plan plan.

Chat later,

Steph