Detransition? Normality vs rejection?

[MagicKitty]

Inside of me I have a certain... "need" to fit in, to be normal. All I've ever wanted was to be normal, like everybody else. I started transitioning 5 months ago, with a "I don't need to be normal" outlook on life. I now find myself weighing pros and cons, to keep going or to stop. As I see more changes, I think about everything I'll miss by going on ahead.


One of the main things I don't like about transitioning is my lack of strength. I like the outdoors. I go backpacking, hiking, rafting... muscles are really nice for activities like that. I've also wanted to join the military for a LONG time, but I doubt that I could put up with unintelligent people/ command.


I'm also afraid of transitioning affecting my sex life in the future. I don't plan on getting SRS, most I've thought about so far is an orchiectomy. I like girls. Would a lesbian care about a dick? I don't know. Recently, i've started becoming more bicurious. Does a gay guy want a dick on a female body? No, probably not. And I don't want a straight guy, because they don't want to see a penis, and it would be really awkward.


My brain is on overload right now trying to figure it all out. I feel like I won't be "normal" no matter what I do. I feel like if I keep going, i'm going to further myself from everybody else. And I feel like if I detransition, I'll be giving up on myself for a false existence. I would appear normal to everybody else, and I might be able to convince myself that I'm normal, too.


If anyone has any thoughts... feel free to share.

[Jamie D]

Have you talked out these issues with your therapist?

Also, being feminine does not mean being physically weak.  Just watch the Olympics.  The female swimmers, gymnasts, the beach volleyball players.

[MagicKitty]

I am no Olympian, but I know what testosterone does with muscle. Being "strong" as a woman is much harder than "strong" as a man. Before all of this, muscle was on me like glue. Lack of testosterone makes it more difficult to maintain and build muscle.


And I don't have a therapist, I work out my problems in my head or with people close to me. But I'm not out to a bunch of people, so I thought i'd ask you guys.


Don't take it too hard, I'm just looking for more ideas to think about. Just because someone says "don't detransition", I won't follow what they say. I'm looking for reasoning behind it.

[suzifrommd]

Gosh, Magic, it's like you're in my head.

I'm going through exactly the same thought processes. For me it's a bit different because I've always been skinny and lightweight and I first got into weightlifting a few years ago and for the first time I have muscles, and I am SO not going to give them up just because Trans wisdom (whatever that is) says I should go on SRS.

I also don't like the idea of any kind of bottom surgery. True, I'd feel more natural with female parts, and if I could be given a female bottom that works like those given out at birth (lubricates naturally, has 3x the nerve endings of a penis, stretches without dilation procedures, etc.) I'd be tempted, but (thank heaven) I actually don't mind having what I do below (once I get past not having been born with female parts) and it works enjoyably, so slicing it all up is not a high priority.

But I wrestle with what kind of sexual being I will be, presenting female but being anatomically male. Of course I'm married and the very idea repulses my wife, but that's a WHOLE 'nother issue. My current thinking is that my sexual attractiveness can't drive my presentation. I need to present to the world the way is most natural, and than figure out how to relate sexually in that presentation.

But as you say, fitting in is an issue. I consider myself non-binary gendered, so neither a male or a female presentation completely expresses who I am, but I'm not considering any kind of androgynous presentation, because I want to fit in.

So it's male or female. Do I go with male, which will be easy given my current body but with which I basically have no affinity, or female, which will make it much harder to fit in, but represents the way the world wants to see me?

Answers are tough. Doing a 19th century style transition with no SRS or HRT is tempting.

[kelly_aus]

Inside of me I have a certain... "need" to fit in, to be normal. All I've ever wanted was to be normal, like everybody else. I started transitioning 5 months ago, with a "I don't need to be normal" outlook on life. I now find myself weighing pros and cons, to keep going or to stop. As I see more changes, I think about everything I'll miss by going on ahead.


One of the main things I don't like about transitioning is my lack of strength. I like the outdoors. I go backpacking, hiking, rafting... muscles are really nice for activities like that. I've also wanted to join the military for a LONG time, but I doubt that I could put up with unintelligent people/ command.

I'm fairly normal. And so far I've missed out on nothing. After 15 months on hormones I can honestly say that I've not lost any strength or stamina - in fact I think my stamina has improved somewhat.

I'm also afraid of transitioning affecting my sex life in the future. I don't plan on getting SRS, most I've thought about so far is an orchiectomy. I like girls. Would a lesbian care about a dick? I don't know. Recently, i've started becoming more bicurious. Does a gay guy want a dick on a female body? No, probably not. And I don't want a straight guy, because they don't want to see a penis, and it would be really awkward.

Find the right partner for you and it all becomes a bit of a non-issue. And it's really no different for trans people then it is any one else on the planet.

My brain is on overload right now trying to figure it all out. I feel like I won't be "normal" no matter what I do. I feel like if I keep going, i'm going to further myself from everybody else. And I feel like if I detransition, I'll be giving up on myself for a false existence. I would appear normal to everybody else, and I might be able to convince myself that I'm normal, too.

If anyone has any thoughts... feel free to share.

Normal is an illusion. You only get one life - live it for you.

[Amazon D]

Your hormonal body is fighting with your mind. For us here its usually a no win situation. I suffered the same thoughts too pre transitioning for yrs. I eventually took the plunge and got the right hormones er i should say got rid of those other hormones and today i realize its not about who i will be sexual with. Its about my spirituality that was being clouded by testosterone and the whole gender thing to begin with. Today i am a happier person not on that rollercoaster of hell and i can think clearly and go slowly and seek the truth. I am no longer decieved by so called sexy people. To me a sexy person is someone free from the thoughts and desires of sex. I no longer am focused on the superficiality of gender and have settled into more spiritual things beyond gender. I am seeking and finding the true meaning to life.

PS: Get some spiranolactone and stop the T for a while to slow down and think clearly. When your ready to be totally free get rid of the testes

[MagicKitty]

I've been thinking a lot. I've been watching trans ppl on youtube. It makes me think that i'm giving up.

I think another thing for me is that i can eat the same way and everything as beforehand, and i can be a similar weight, but 160 male me is skinny, 160 transitioning me has a stomach, makes me feel fat. I've noticed a lot of muscle loss in my legs, chest, and i'm guessing that i just have a bit more stomach fat now to take its place. I guess maybe a side effect of estrogen is judging myself more. I've been overweight before, so I lost 20 pounds to become "skinny", that was a year ago. I'm just gonna go take some skinny pills, run a lot, and we'll see how it all turns out.

I tend to fear progress. Progress is hard. I'm a "shy" person. New things and new environments take time to adjust to, and I don't adjust if I can find a way around. I find that I walked to the edge. If I keep going, it's new territory, something i'm not yet comfortable with.

I think I'll take the risk. If I detransition, I might as well be myself years ago. Full speed ahead it is.

[GendrKweer]

There is no normal; we are all normal. 

That said, some of the best surgeons around will need as much scrotum as you can give them. Long term (2+ years) of spironolactone will shrink your gonads by up to 50%, and an orchi will shrink your scrotum tremendously over a few years. Some docs dont like operating on patients who had orchis for this reason; the doc who just did my SRS a few days ago used only scrotal skin and gave me 7 inches of depth, which would have been impossible for me using just the rest of the gear. SO, don't take too long on the decision, or it can negatively affect your surgery if you ever decide to get one.... or get the orchi for the chemical relief and add two (bigger!) implants like lance armstrong has, as placeholders for surgery.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi MagicKitty,

Not a real good place for you to be in right now. GID and the process of transition is not for the feint hearted, nor the ill/uninformed. The internet is full of erroneous information, that can lead you so far astray, not even the Coast Guard could find you.

This is not a Robinson Crusoe deal nor is it a DIY session. A partnership with a good gender therapist is worth the time and effort. They are professional people to guide and assist you in YOUR journey, where ever that may take you. Give it a lot of consideration, and the frustration and anxiety you are suffering will vanish. You will have a clear and concise understanding of where you are, and where you are heading.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine