Denial. I suck.

[Apples]

Reality is like fish. Usually you see it from behind a glass wall... And sometimes is like somebody has hit you on the face with a rotten, smelly fish.

So, I've been whining during years about how crappy my life is, how thanks to the crisis I am stuck with no possibilities of leaving the parental home, and assuring myself that it still wasn't the right time to leave. And getting more angsty and stressed in the meantime.

Denial, denial everywhere. You start accepting small things, and sooner or later you realize bigger truths you didn't want to see. Leaving? I could have done it in the moment I had an steady income. Difficulties? No. I'm just a lazy bum that finds it easier to stay at home like a freeloader. Free food, laundry service and not a single responsability after the job day. I could have left earlier, but nooooo, I didn't want to learn how to cook, iron shirts every weekend, administer my income and give up on being an spoiled kid that could throw money like bread at pigeons.


For the past months I've been wondering who I really am, and the answer was quite simple: The biggest, laziest liar that will invent one excuse after another to not to behave like an adult. Yes, I'm sad, depressed and I hate my life. But whose fault it is? Mine alone.

Denial (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.[1] The subject may use:

simple denial: deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether
minimisation: admit the fact but deny its seriousness (a combination of denial and rationalization)
projection: admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility by blaming somebody or something else.

I'm a complete imbecile.

[EmmaMcAllister]

It's never too late to make a fresh start, Apples. We're all human, we all have flaws. You've taken the important step of identifying what's keeping you from being happy. Now you just need to start taking small steps towards making the changes that will bring about the life you want.

*hugs* Believe me, I know how hard life can be. But tomorrow always has a chance of being brighter.

[Padma]

Once you see what you didn't see before, you can start making actual choices in your life, so well done for seeing it. Don't let yourself be despondent - that's actually the other side of denial, in a sense they're both opportunities to be lazy (denial = I don't need to change, despondency = I can't change) - be kind to yourself, but honest, but kind. That's how good change happens.

[Jamie D]

"I'm a complete imbecile."

I have found that when I try to act as my own therapist, I too am a complete imbecile.

[Apples]

I should have visited a psychologist years ago when they told me, but noooo, I was also denying the fact that I needed help. Previously I would enter into rage state If I was told something I didn't want to hear. Now... I value and take into account every opinion I get. Ever since we started with the sessions everything I believed is falling down, little by little.

[Sara Thomas]

I believe that it is healthy for us to be able to identify areas in our life which we would like to change... much preferable to others determining what should be changed about us - so it seems as though you have taken steps in that direction.

Don't be too hard on yourself: you've acknowledged that you are unhappy in your circumstances - so take what you've discovered and work to change it.

I saw in another post that you consider yourself your largest obstacle... common wisdom aside, this puts you in complete control of the "problem".

I truly hope that you are feeling better about your prospects soon.

My Very Best - Sadie

[Apples]

The fact is, my negative to leave is the cause of all my problems:

- Can't sleep because of the neighboors or your parents? Live on your own.

- Can't keep a diet because you are forced to eat what they have? Live on your own

- Can't show yourself as you are? Live on your own.

- Can't wash the clothing you don't want to be discovered? Live on your own


So yes, I keep trying to find solutions for each "problem" I have, but never wanting to accept that the real solution for everything meant making some sacrifices. I need to start getting my basic survival abilities ASAP. if only they would let me use the kitchen (every time I try to learn how to cook, they will end taking the frying pan from my hands and doing it themselves).

[justmeinoz]

The first step towards solving a problem is realising there is one.  You have done that, and are now trying to work out how to resolve it.  If you are scared of 'failing', just look at a less than satisfactory result as an experiment that didn't work, not the end of the world. Nobody ever died of an un-ironed shirt, or a tasteless meal.

I  solved the problem of having a pile of ironing to do by not ironing a lot of things I previously had. Now I have boobies T-shirts fit more snugly and creases don't show.  Denim and leather  don't need a lot of ironing either.   Washing? just throw it in the washing machine.  Just don't mix white and colour and you'll be fine.  You are a woman, unlike men we can read instruction manuals. 

Cooking a healthy diet? Ditch the frying pan and grill things instead.  Salads are easier than cooking as well as raw veggies being healthier.  Get a simple cook-book and start with the easiest things.  I often do a winter casserole with beef instead of chicken or similar variations.  They work.

If all else fails call on your sisters here. 

Karen.

[Kelly J. P.]

 If they take the pan from your hands, you should ask for it back. Unless they don't want you to leave, they should kindly comply.

Anyway, I know the situation. And I get it. Except for the spoiled part where the kid has money, I'm pretty much in the same spot, except I can, in fact, cook a little.

The leaving thing may or may not be the best choice. If you think it is, then you should go for it... but you really have to think about what is most advantageous to you. If you sour some people and burn some bridges, then chances are you made a poor choice, but if you can keep the people in your life happy while serving your own end, then that's a job well done.

If you can't sleep, then earplugs might help. As for a diet, you don't have to eat what they have - you could just buy your own food, label it "Me", and hope they have the decency to stay away. As for showing yourself as you are... admittedly, that one's impossible without moving out if your environment is unaccepting. It just wouldn't be strategic.

And washing the right clothing... well, my family doesn't usually look through my laundry, so I can't really say what to this one. XD To avoid it, you could do laundry late at night, or early in the morning, and make sure there are guy clothes to put on top of the basket - just in case.

Do what will expedite your transition the most. Do what will help your mind the most. Life is a game of strategy, and our emotions are enemy number two.

[Apples]

Anyway, I know the situation. And I get it. Except for the spoiled part where the kid has money, I'm pretty much in the same spot, except I can, in fact, cook a little.

Let's see how can I explain this. If I were leaving on my own I would need to micromanage my salary to reach the month's end, but being here it was like "You want an ipad? Right now!". The only thing they request from me to stay is that I keep saving money very month. Crap, they even criticise me If do the grocery shopping and pay it myself. I've told them for years that If I am here I could pay for the internet, or part of the electricity bill, but they never want a single thing from me.

But, yes, it's odd. When they leave for holidays and I am on my own it's the most peaceful time I have. And still they don't want me to touch the kitchen. They will leave frozen food to last for weeks, and  chastise me I haven't finished it (they keep trying to force feed me, try to guess why I was overweight). But it's just than on my own, I practically live on salads and  eat only what I need. Heck, Even If I cook basic things by myself and take photographic evidence to demonstrate it, they always say I suck at it. But If I try to cook with them at home, they won't allow me to even fail, they will automatically correct it.

About laundry... They are like a damned scanner of everything I . Trying to do my own laundry will be deemed as water overuse (they don't even want me to shower at home!). Not to mention where to dry it.

I don't really understand it. Other parents want their sons out of their home as soon as possible. With the me, they practically wanted me to stay at home. The never gave me a single responsibility or task. For many times I've tried to tell them to stop doing my chores, and after a few days they go back to it. Basically, the only chores I have at home are:

- Fixing every electronic of mechanical thing, from the TV to the vacuum cleaner.
- Be their teacher when it comes to computers, using the internet or any new technology
- Explain to them how to use anything they get, even the sewing machine!
- Buying them train tickets, holiday packages, getting directions and calculating travel routes.
- Small fixes to the family car

If I ask them "Do you want me to clean the dishes?", the reply is always "No.". So I in the end I stopped asking. Not being able to do anything made me feel useless
Fun fact: Apart from my mother, I am the only one at home that knows how to iron things.

So, to make it short: Leaving is really the best option for myself. They are too overprotective and indulging, and now that I'm aware of it is the best moment, or I will fall on the trap again. As soon as I get to know If keep my job for another four years, I'm outta here.


Edit: Just remeber when the vacumm cleaner broke. They spent 6 hours trying to repair, and I was all the time "can i check it?". "No". When they finally let me have a lot I repaired it in ten minutes.

[JoanneB]

If you are burnt out with Denial, you can always move on to Distractions and Diversions. All add up to what I call the 3Ds, which served me well(?) for 30+ years. The only downside is the underlying problems never leave.

A much wiser person then I came up with the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

A great friend turned me on to a Richard Bach quote:
Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours

Once I started looking back in disgust over the 30 years spent living a basically joyless life, those two affirmations helped to give me the strength to start making small changes and to grow as a person. A person who during these past 2 years is experiencing joys never dreamed of being possible for her.

Dealing with being trans will also mean dealing with making compromises in your life. You give up some things and gain others in return. Only you can assign value to those.

[Beth Andrea]

Congratulations on your self-discovery!

Tip #1: Stop calling yourself names. You are smart and wise to see what you have failed to do, and then to see what needs to be done.

Tip #2: JUST DO IT. You don't need to know how to cook, do laundry, or even wash the toilet. Just get a place, say a one-bedroom apartment...and if you don't know how to do that, just walk into anyplace and ask the first seemingly sane person you see, "Golly, I've lived in my parents basement for my whole life, and want to get my own place. Can you offer me any suggestions?" Or somesuch.

Tip #3: Take it one step at a time:

Then get out there, look for, and get, an apartment, unlock the door and sit down on the floor. Pretty soon the floor will get uncomfortable, and you'll say "Hey! I could use a chair or something!" So go out and get one. Same with your bed. Soon you'll be hungry..."But I don't know how to cook!" Don't need to cook. Know how to boil water? So make Ramen Noodles! Hotdogs! Buy some frozen peas, read the instructions. (Usually the instructions are along the lines of "Measure one cup of peas, place in water in pan. Heat water to boiling, continue for 3-5 minutes." Super easy!)

fwiw, I found Stove Top stuffing to be "stupid-easy" to make...boil water, dump packet contents in, stir, turn off heat, cover...let set for 7 minutes." Damn that was easy!

I encourage you to just go out and do it...being an adult, you don't even need to ask permssion...the only concern is if your parents are depending on your share of the rent to help pay for things...they're big people, they can handle it if you're not there. Or, they're supposed to, anyway.

Good luck!!

[Apples Mk.II]

My therapist is asking me to keep a diary of all my thougths, and...


Everything, absolutely everything seems to be caused by my parents and they control above everything I do. It is not only the dysphoria, but years of hiding everything, since they have never approved anything I have done on my own. If things like buying a videogame or a bike were seen as incredibly wrong, and bad, imagine about changing my gender.


I don't know when was the good time to leave. If I had left in the moment I found a job I'd never been able to save for FFS or emergencies while living on my own. But now is the moment, if having a "normal" life was difficult, now this is too much.


PS: Probably the reason for creating this thread was lilacwoman's abuse and harsh replies on another thread. Reading them now are completely wrong, insulting and unable to understand the situation.

It is not only the new VAT, but the lower than europe prices for everything and the renting scam. The news are saying that more that 55% of people between 30 and 45 years can't leave the parental home anymore thants to the crisis and the president destroying even more the peoples live.



Crap. Yesterday I checked  the adverts on the physical mailbox. "I'm selling everything for as low as 3€ just to be able to pay the providers. I have lost everything to the crisis and I need to keep my home".

[suzifrommd]

In addition to deciding when/whether to move out of your parents' place, should you think about moving your parents out of you?

What I mean by this is that we internalize our parents, we carry them around with us, they tell us things about ourselves even when they're not around because they become part of our self-talk.

Do you find that happening to you?

I wonder if you'd get more peace of mind by recognizing the impact they have on your self-image and self-esteem and try to diminish that impact. Recognize when you find yourself putting down some form of gender expression and think "that was my parents' voice, not mine."

I wonder if, when you've moved in that direction, you'll find your parents have less ability to influence your mood and feelings about yourself, even when they're in the room.

Don't know if this is right for you, but I know that separating my parents' opinions about me from my own was a big part of taking control of my moods and outlook.

Hope this helps.

[Apples Mk.II]

Because it does not work. They are like a virus that try to enter your system, no matter how hard you try to keep them away. They live by "my house, my rules, and I can do whatever I want". Leaving is the only option.


Starting today  I'm muting myself to the maximum and not giving them any information or talking with them but the necesary. Since everything they say to me is met with criticism, I have decided that it is not worth talking to them. If they argue because I won't eat, I am nor replying anymore.

Today I talked to my father. "Tell her to stop harassing me with th laser hair removal. Every time she cathes me alone she keeps pestering and saying that she has investigated me, how much I have paid, what ugly man I am without beard, it is a scam that does not work"... The answer? "Tell that yourself". As If I haven't been doing that for years. Her only commitment is makinf my life miserable.


Really, If I don't leave soon I will kill her. That's my most common fantasy during years. The last time my father hit me was when I said that he was a marionette controlled by her.