A fresh start

[Snowpaw]

So I have been thinking lately(really bad for me to do especially on the weekends) and I have tried to get a fresh start with myself and everything. It seems that in my past I would lash out, or try to be a hero only to get burned badly. It seems like no matter what I do, even if I get a second chance I can't ever forgive myself or forget.

Not only that, I have just got back on my hormones after 5 months of being off. It's just a constant fear that I will screw up and lose them again. I am trying to get my life back on track, in school and what not but everything just feels off. I feel like I don't have a real goal or something to look forward to.

I mean I was sitting in bed last night and I came to a real freaking strange revelation about myself. I tend to take the devil's advocate or say something crass because my biggest fear is just fading away in the background, I am afraid if someone doesn't acknowledge what I say I will lose them as a friend because they will see me for what I am, a completely boring person. I hate myself for it, I hate myself for being so weak, so emotionally fragile that I let myself get to this point. I can't lose my friends, I have lost so many through my stupidity and here I sit, pretty much alone on the weekend wondering where in my life I could pinpoint where it all went wrong.

No this isn't a "I give up" speech, it's the furthest thing from it, I want to get myself back to where I need to be. Out of this pit and become the woman I am. If it means trucking to that point alone then so be it. I just want to be happy. I want friends, I want to stop screwing up so much. I am just so tired of carrying that burden I've adopted for so long.

If it seems like I am rambling I am sorry, it's hard to put these thoughts into words. Also if this is in the wrong spot I do apologize.

[suzifrommd]

Absolutely the right spot, Snowpaw.

Not sure if you're looking for advice, or just to vent (in which case ramble away), but I'll give you what I've got and you can ignore it if it's not what you're looking for.

Can you become your own best friend?

Can you treat yourself the way you'd treat the person you most value on earth? If your nearest dearest longest most cherished friend came to you to ask forgiveness for something she said, you would forgive her quickly, right? After all you've gone through, etc.

Can you do the same thing for yourself? Be your own most cherished friend. Forgive yourself for saying things that you wish you hadn't? Love yourself for who you are, an imperfect but wonderful human being? Can you tell yourself that it's okay to be who you are? That you'll do and say lots of interesting things in your life, and that your true friends will not think you a boring person? That you don't have to change to be likable and interesting, you just need to be you?

And a question for you. What do you mean by "screw up and lose your hormones"? Were hormones withheld from you for something you did or said?

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Snowpaw,

I concur with everything agfrommd has said about learning to love yourself.

In a world of communications, 70% of our feelings are non verbal. So, if you hate yourself for many things, that will transmit itself to others you are speaking to. Which in turn, they will think to themselves; "Do I really want to be friends with this person?"

If you love yourself the same is true, with the exception of the potential friends thoughts being,"I really do want to be friends with this person!"

From the snapshot I sensed of your post, it would appear you may be trying to please everyone you meet. Sort of trying to please 100% of the people, 100% of the time; which is basically impossible.

I've heard it said many a time, to be a good friend, you need to be a good listener. Just listening to someone, without trying to save the world for them, can be a power of good. An added benefit if through your wisdom were able to suggest something that may help them. But for 99% of the time, just listening can have profound friendship benefits.

I know you can get back on track. It's just a simple matter of focusing on what's important, to you.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Snowpaw]

Thank you both. Yeah it's more me venting out extreme frustration. I haven't really been pleasing people though, more me pissing them off with my argumentative attitude. I feel like if I don't have something to say they will see that I really dont have something to say lol. I digress. I need to go to the store :<