I know this guy whose name is Chris.
Chris never really met or knew me until after I went full-time. For me transition was an awkward time full of loneliness and desperation. Chris seemed supportive. Chris has this sort of enthusiasm he can turn on like flipping a switch. He can make it seem like you are a child who just learned a new trick and he is an adoring parent who is so proud of you but what it took me years to learn and understand is Chris is an invalidator.
There are people in this world who will be your "friend" and draw you in just so they can hurt you and Chris is one of those people. He does it over and over and over again. It is who Chris is. Think of it as a sort of Jeckyll and Hyde disorder. Except Chris is always right and you, well you are always wrong. But how else would it be? The most obvious thing Chris would do was go on about how I was all woman and how amazing it was, it was like he was so proud and so amazed with me and what I had done. But then later on Chris would say something like, "You will always be part dude." Then of course when I would bring it up later he would deny it. He would say, "I would never say anything like that." And make it seem like it was my problem. I was remembering things wrong or he would tell me I was too sensitive.
But he did it over and over again. Over a period of eight years Chris has been my greatest ally and my worst enemy.
But Chris has a secret that even Chris doesn't know. You see... Some people are raised up in such a way that they feel obligated to be a certain way. For instance one might grow up in a household where being gay is an abomination and because it is such an abomination it becomes something someone could never be, even when they are. And such a person would go through life over-compensating, trying to be a manly man. Buying a big motorcycle, having a big 4x4. Spending all his free time with manly men, drinking too much. Chris has a penchant for bad boys. His bromance. Chris will never allow himself to be gay. Chris has a best friend who is gay. Well to Chris this person is or was his "best friend". But what would this supposed best friend say about Chris? I know that I was desperate and lonely and so Chris was able to masquerade as my friend and my ally. It didn't take much. It didn't take anything. I filled in all the gaps for him because it was a time when I needed a friend so badly it was easy for Chris to pretend he was my friend. No doubt his gay friend, someone Chris grew up with was in a similar situation to be taken advantage of.
The thing is Chris is gay but like so many over-compensating gay men Chris will never allow himself to be gay. To him it is unthinkable. But Chris can live vicariously through his gay friend or through me. That's why he keeps us around. But there are two sides of Chris. The side of Chris that could never be gay because it was beaten into his childhood head that it is an unthinkable abomination and the side of Chris that is impressed with people who for whatever reason are tired of living up to other people's expectations and go on to live as their true selves.
That is why Chris is able to say ...
"You are all woman now, it's so amazing and your medical past is nobody's business." And, "Part of you will always be a dude." "I could never be with someone like you because I'm not gay."
And of course Dr. Jeckyll always denies the last two sentences in that paragraph. Dr. Jeckyll would never say anything like that, obviously you have some kind of problem because Dr. Jeckyll isn't that kind of a guy.
There are lots of gay men who will never allow themselves to be gay. Chris is one of them. Part of me understands Chris because of my GID condition. When I was little I would act and talk in ways that upset my mother. She tried to change my behavior using fear tactics. Telling me I wouldn't be accepted. Saying I talked and acted like a "queer" and a little "->-bleeped-<-got". I don't know how Chris got conditioned and it doesn't really matter. I know that by the time I was entering my twenties I had convinced myself that I was a heterosexual male. I was unable to realize or accept that I was someone who needed to be female. When you train an animal you beat it so that avoiding a beating becomes more important than anything else. And human beings are special because we take over where our oppressors leave off and we beat ourselves. I had been conditioned to keep myself in line. When I would even think of my need to be female, whenever that need expressed itself I would become overcome with shame and guilt. I would pray to god to forgive me and I would vow to be normal. Just like Chris.
But even though I had fooled myself into thinking I was a man there was always something eating at me. I was always unhappy. Because when you repress the truth there is a consequence. One of the consequences of my act of repressing my true self was hatred. I grew to absolutely hate young happy women, enjoying the lives I had been denied. On the other hand I was confused because I thought I was attracted to women, because I envied them. It was that Jeckyll and Hyde thing, tearing me apart inside.
They say that hatred is a response to fear. I was so desperately afraid of being queer. That was a powerful fear that my own mother put into me as a child. And because of that betrayal by my own mother during such a vulnerable stage in my life, that fear was never dealt with or overcome and it grew up to be a monster. As I grew that fear grew with me and it became my companion, my demon. It was that thing that gave rise to Mr. Hyde and no matter how desperately Dr. Jeckyll tried to repress it, it would always eventually come out.
Can I blame Chris for what he has been doing to me for the last eight years? Not really. But since Chris will probably never overcome his fears I will have to protect myself by avoiding Dr. Jeckyll because you never know when Mr. Hyde is going to come out.
No doubt some of you have met people just like Chris. I recommend cutting them out of your life as much as possible as they are some of the most insidiously toxic people you will ever meet because they know how to subtly destroy you when you are at your weakest and most vulnerable.
