Living a lie...

[Shadowneya]

I have been living a lie... not because I chose to live it... but because I have been forced to live it...

I grew up in the 70's and I was told by a person whom I trusted with my life... That I was a child of satan... evil... a destroyer of homes and a murder of babies... I was broken... I had nowhere to turn... No one would listen except one friend... she was a neighbor but she cared about me... and she even let me do weird stuff like wear her clothes... I wanted to prove I was a girl... I did many things that I tell children not to do today... I feel like a hypocrite... well now... but... I don't know... I am not ready to share who I truly am... I don't know anyone here... but... I am broken.. I am tired of being alone... I am tired of being ashamed... I am tired of the fear of not being wanted because I am different... I am tired of being broken...

... But... I am scared... but... I guess the only way to feel accepted is to let go of my fear... a little... the name of my blog Unis Iterium... means Again... One... It helps me to remember I am not broken... umm... well not broken... i don't know how to say it... maybe it will come to me in time... it's just that my heart is... broken... and I have been alone so long I have accepted it... even though it makes me feel less than nothing... its who I am... I am broken... and have noone else... my wife would never understand... so I lie awake at night crying... I am alone... but I stand resolute... with who I am.. though I am the only one that knows...

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Shadowneya,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7905  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.


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Janet 

[Shadowneya]

I guess I would be a transsexual... by definition... sorry if i sound blase` about it... I'm just trying to figure it out myself... I was born physically a man... but my mind is that of a girl... I prefer girly things... when I was young I owned a lot of My Little Pony... I mean my parents bought me all the "cool" boy toys but... I wasn't into them and only played with them when my male friends were around... my set of My little Ponies and my Cabbage patch dolls were my favorite toys... I liked dress up... even did the little thing where you hide your... maleness while wearing underwear... I would go that way to school... i hated what I had... but one day I told a priest... and my little 5 year old life was shattered... by the time I was 7 years of age I was told I couldn't be helped... that I would burn in Damnation... that I was a f(gay derogatory) and I was a blight on the church... I was crushed... the priest said he wouldn't tell my parents because of his Oath... but he told me never to enter "this Church" again... after that my life was hell... no matter how hard I tried to keep my secret... It caught up to me... and it has ruined my life... most of it is in my aforementioned blog... If I am asked to take it down... I will... I don't want to break any rules... I just want to be someone even if It has to be by myself...

I have never tried or thought to try to get a sex change... I am already an outcast in my society... I don't need it to be worse... well actually I am a citizen of good standings here... but is what i don't tell that makes me the outcast... I know there are many gays in my community... and I have quite a few that are friends... but I am not... umm... well gay... I don't believe you can be gay if god didn't do the job correctly... I mean feeling that I am a girl... well i guess being of a preference of girls while feeling like a girl kinda would make me gay... sorry if i sound confused I am... I mean... i like guys i just prefer the company of women... but... i have always felt ugly because I look like a guy... I just... I don't know... I'm lost... in myself trying to figure out... me...

this is what i know without a doubt...

1) I love girl clothes... I love dress up... course I haven't been able to without fear in 32 years...
2) I love girl toys... Owned My Little Pony, Cabbage Patch dolls... even an American Girl Doll... even went to a couple events as a girl... when I was 9 with my grandmother... I signed in as Pacien Li
3) I hate who I look like... I don't care that I have a little pudgy around the middle... I'm 37 for crying out loud... it's my... maleness...
4) I think like a girl but chat like a girl... but restrain myself because I do not want to give myself away...
5) My grandmother told me one time... that I was not the only one in the family... she could think of at least two others... and she told me... while you cannot will it away you can always pray to god to love you anyway...
6) Some of the things I did as a child between 7-10... I tell children to wait till someone loves you... I feel like a hypocrite... what my mother doesn't know could probably kill her...

I've actually thought about chopping "it" off... becoming a no gender... but I'm not really good with pain... so I never did it...

Sorry... I've kept this bottled up for over 30 years... i know it looks jumbled... its hard to see through tears... I... am tired of feeling evil like my life really has no meaning and that I am going to hell anyway... but... sometimes i felt that... I would be bringing it on myself... since it's my mind and my fault... I can only hope god doesn't hate me... its bad enough that I hate myself... i think... sorry I am a rambler... I use a lot of ellipsis... they help me sometimes to section my thoughts... sometimes I feel so... scatterbrained? I also try to place my emotions... if I say I am crying it means I am... physically... I have a broken heart and I am not gonna hide who I am... at least not here... where I might be appreciated... and not cast to the side... sorry I'm gonna stop for now... I need some time to think... I prolly said more than I should... well I am scared of opening up... but I know... I know I need to open up to someone... I've wanted to... kill myself... but have always found a way to.. open up found someone to talk too.. and I don't want to feel that again so... I will open my soul a little bit... maybe someone will care... I don't expect it... I just want to open up...

[Jamie D]

Hi Shadow.  Welcome from southern California.  You are not alone here.

[Cindy]

Hi Shadow,

I read your blog and your posts and yes you have had a life that no one should. I cannot take away your pain, indeed no one can. But I can offer a future. Here.

Many of us have gone through bad bad experiences, and many of us have broken from the pain and the horror. Many of us have been abused and vilified. That is not to lessen the horrors that have been inflicted upon you, more to let you know that you are no longer alone.

You have a family here that will respect and care for you.
Some, No, many of us have recovered, maybe never completely but enough to face the world with pride and true hearts. Knowing of the evil that pretends to be the good we can brace ourselves against it and together we can start taking a few steps. Funny thing about steps. Each one is so hard, but if you hold on to the hand of a friend, they get easier.

Just so happens I have a spare hand.

I offer it freely.

Keep posting and do read some of the background articles. There is a lot of information from a lot of people. And we will help.

After 15 posts you can start to pm people as well as post on the site. So take your time.

People have tried to break you. You may feel that they did.

They didn't. You are here now with friends.

Love and Hugs

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Hello and welcome.  We are a big family and htere is room for a lot more members. 

Despite people trying to break you, you are still here, so that is a really big plus.  You know who you are, so that puts you ahead of most of the population of this planet.

Karen.

[Devlyn]

Hi Shadowneya, welcome from Boston! We're glad you found the site. Sharing our experiences is what makes us strong. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Shadow ,  *Catherine holding a box of tissues. You may need one*

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking.

You've definitely been through the "mill." But the beauty of it, is you are still here in good shape. Carefree enough to shed your denial and take on who you really are. That's the epitome of liberation.

Take your time and settle in here. I'm sure there is lots you can learn. If time and conditions permit, you may be inclined to find a good gender therapist, who can guide you through the labyrinth of emotions and feelings. In the meantime, keep up the good job you are doing. One step at a time, and you'll be amazed at how far you can go in a week.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Shadowneya]

thank you berry much for the kind words... I wish i could afford a therapist... we do have a PFLAG in my area so I can get a program of some sort going... I am glad that this community and my more local online one has accepted me for me...

I started today with telling 4 of my "friends" i have like 10 friends... so this will be a lot easier... sadly the one that is the least of my friends is the only one that accepted "Christianna" my so called good friends turned their back on me... one called me a "->-bleeped-<-"... I told him if i am gay its because i prefer the company of women... and feel I am a woman... he sneered at me... he had been my bestest friend for 12 years... I come out of the closet and I am trash n his eyes...

I know who I am and I know there is a place for me... I have still been thinking about the SRS... and well I have decided that if I am going to leave my old life behind I can do this for my sanity...

I am broken... or have been... when one is broken they fear everything else... thats me... but I can be healed... it is a slow process... very slow... I am also afraid that my girlfriend of 11 years will reject me as she is of the same mind as my so called bestest friend... I have no means to move so when I do I will be alone again... prolly in some shelter wasting away.. but away from the pain of my current home... the stuff i wrote in my blog... is true... and it pains me to say I am a victim of hate... but... I am alive... not unscathed but I have a new chance to be me... even if I have to be me alone...

The old me is Peter Anthony Rosanova... i have a facebook page... under that name... but thats not who I am inside... its whom I have pretended to be for 33 years...(i am 37) I was talking to a friend and the first thing she... she is a transgender... I accept her for her... cause she is beautiful to me... is to find my name... I told her I have carried it with me for years... I have just never told anyone... she said well stop putting me in suspense... so I told her... and I am telling you... If I am going to be part of a family the family should know the name of their daughter, sister.... lover... friend... my name is Christianna Marie... Li i am part asian hehe... anyway thank you for listening to me ramble... I have a problem with large number of thoughts in my head and its sometimes very hard for me to pin them down... thats why I call myself a scatterbrain... I am also a fledging artis I love to draw even if they dun come out good... they are mine and it helps me to stay sane (dunno if thats spelled right) again thank you all berry much for the welcome i cried while i read... but i feel a little better for knowing

There are many facets of me... if you read my blog post than you know I am not afraid to admit them... it was easier to tell my friends that I am Loli/Cubby... than it has been for me to admit being a transgender... its actually more widely accepted than transgenders where i live... i'm not into the over the top stuff its the cute outfits that grace my laptops... the clothes i could never have... its more about the dreams of lost youth because of my pain... i see the childhood i lost... and the friends i could have had... please don't think i am weird i love to draw so... i do... anyway i will be thumbin around the website...

my grandmother told me this when i was little... but it didn't dawn on me til i heard it told later what it truely meant....

A flower born of adversity, is the most beautiful flower in the garden. I want to be that flower...

I understand that I can be fixed... hmm... how to put that better... I know I am broken... by definition broken people fear what will happen to the point that they hide and regress their feelings... that is me in a nutshell... but thanks to many people that i have met so far in the last few days i have learned that by accepting that i am broken... i can be fixed... i can get help... i just need people that care about me and want me to succeed... don't be sad that i am broken... please be happy that i know i can be fixed...