Support of a parent, need some advice

[mikaellucien]

My dad is a veteran with PTSD.  In the wee hours of the morning I received a call from his husband (Mother) that my dad was in the middle of a flash back & was huddled up under a blanket in the corner, screaming to his troops.  Mother called 911 & the paramedics took him to a psych ward.

Mother called for emotional support primarily, for both of them.  Also, for help navigating the VA system regarding benefits etc.  My husband is also a veteran, so I've had to deal with the VA before.  I gathered the information he will need for medical benefits, etc & passed it along.

I've only recently outed my trans status.  So, my head is a little lost in lala land at the moment.  Plus, my dad and I have some old issues between us.

When I was a kid my dad was a straight, redneck ass hole.  He spent 10 years attempting to physically beat any and all emotion out of me.  Pretty much any offense on my part rendered me black & blue from mid back to the back of my knees.  Unable to sit down or go to school.  I spent a lot of time floating around to family members, as the state intervened.  It was almost like he was attempting to condition his son for military/war.  When it was bad, it was pretty ->-bleeped-<-in' awful.

As an adult I do recognize that he is human and has flaws.  I understand that he was struggling alone with his PTSD.  I understand that he was raging internally about being a closeted homosexual.  I can understand his point of view & while that does not excuse his behavior, by and large I forgive him for it.

However, when I got that call, my mind started building a wall.  I want to be able to help him, to support him, in any way that he may need or that I am able.  I do not deal well with highly emotionally charged situations, especially where he is concerned.  He gave me years of conditioning that says I should build a wall & pretend it doesn't exist till it withers & dies.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can break the chains that bind, allowing myself to offer him the support that he desperately needs, I'm all ears.  Thanks in advance.

[Edge]

Only give him what you have to give him and what you can handle giving him. You'll be doing him no favours if you go above and beyond that and it wouldn't help you any either. You have to accept that there is not much you can do. If he becomes a threat to himself or others, he should be hospitalized. You can encourage him to see his doctor and take his meds (if he has any).

[mikaellucien]

I learned long ago that self care is important.  Not to break myself in any quest to help others, since that renders me useless.

The biggest hurdle for him will be to overcome his own conditioning.  Learning how to give himself permission to actually *feel* his feelings instead of stuffing them.

I guess all I can really do is keep reminding him that he doesn't have to go through this alone, that his loved ones are all here for him.  I passed along a list of providers to Mother that he may find useful, also.

Thanks for the feedback.  It is appreciated.

[Edge]

Yeah. As you probably know, only he will be able to overcome his conditioning. There's only so much others can do. Good luck to all of you.

[Ayden]

I was raised in the military so while my conditioning wasn't nearly as extreme as yours was I can say that my father and I certainly have a hard time socializing if emotions are involved. That being said - he can express emotions with his five younger sons (but couldn't with the only biological female - how weird is that?). My first suggestion would be to take small steps. You may want to be there, but you need to bear in mind how much you can handle. If you have a break down or wall yourself off in the middle, it will affect him as well and potentially make the situation much more difficult. My dealing with the VA is very limited in that I only had to do a few things when them regarding benefits for my brothers when my dad was shipped off to Iraq so if I get this wrong, I apologize. Is your father in any sort of counselling or therapy to deal with PTSD? I know a few people through my father who ended up coming back and needing years of therapy so I assumed the VA covered it.

In the end, just be there and support him. He will have a long road ahead of him (as I'm sure you know far better than I). I hope for the best for you and your family.