4:30 AM and I should be doing homework. Sounds like the same situation last time I posted here.
I'm 21, my relationship history is pretty unhealthy.
I've never had an emotional attachment to men, and never really been captivated by any guys i've met, though the obnoxious part of my brain sure is interested in them. Can't do the latter without the former, though.
I spent 3.5 years in an online relationship, never met her face to face, but it was with her that I was finally able to recognize the gender issues I'd dealt with all my life and deal with the initial craziness that comes from that. Unfortunately neither one of us really knew much about it, and I was young and stupid, but she was very supportive and intrigued by it.
After her, I spent 3 or so months online with a friend. Being a bit of a different girl herself she'd guessed my GID before I told her. We did end up meeting, but it didn't click.
I had a 3 month physical relationship with an extremely close friend who I'd known online for over a year, who I'd never dreamed would be interested in me, nor did I ever imagine she'd even want to talk to me if I told her the truth, yet one cold night I did, and it didn't phase her in the slightest. Again, I think that was from not really understanding it, but we take what we can get.
I'll spare the details about why all of those were incredibly >-bleeped-<ed up, but they were.
I'm currently involved in this grey area with a girl that I met at my college. Her family is giving her a ton of grief for spending time with me because she ended her 1.5 year relationship with her last boyfriend less than a month ago, even though I've met her parents and they apparently love me. Go figure. We talked about it and she said she wouldn't blame me if I didn't want to hang around and deal with all of that crap, but we decided to keep doing what we've been doing, for now, which is a slow process of getting to know each other better. I've had enough relationship experience to know that a kind, giving person who isn't a bitch and who you enjoy spending your time with is ultimately what I want, and that it's worth it to me to be patient for the potential of that. I probably wouldn't have this patience if I weren't the kind of person that I am, and ultimately I don't think it's going to progress the way I want it to, but we have to try, right?
I'm lonely. I'm touch deprived. I want to hug, and cuddle, hold and be held. I want someone to do things with and spend my time with. Sex is hugely on the backburner to that. She seems to be the same way, aside from the family stress factor.
Presently, I feel male sexual attraction to her. In the past, when I've 'fallen' for a woman, the same thing has happened. In fact, I fell for her about the time I made my account here, which happened because I was really at a boiling point on my GID. Without even trying to, it seems like I stonewall it when a woman shows interest in me. Yet from the past, I know it doesn't stay that way. I still have attraction towards them, want to be with them, but... I want to be my true self. Stupid testosterone.
When she first showed interest in me, i was close to making myself sick mulling over what to do about it. I decided to go ahead because I wanted to -try- a healthy, normal relationship for a change. Like I said above, I really don't see it being a long term relationship, so I stopped worrying about that and decided to just see what happens.
From reading here, I know a lot of people with GID have few to no relationships prior to transition, and for some even post. Growing up an only child, who ended up in homeschool, and a terrible computer addict for many years, I need other people around me. I need affection. Healthy affection.
The only way to find the right person seems to be dumb luck or trying to date. The former seems like a lifetime of loneliness hoping for the jackpot, and the latter quite likely a trail of broken hearts. I've already met two people that seemed to be completely right via dumb luck, but they weren't, so I'm not a fan of that option.
Or maybe I'm just thinking about it all too much. I just don't want to be selfish and play with peoples' hearts, yet at the same time, I don't want mine to die.
Random ranting is more productive than Hamlet, I guess.
