Yesterday was interesting.
My mother and I have had huge fights all my life. She's a very emotional person, which complicates things, and I won't even try to justify who's right or wrong since it's neither here, nor there, nor can I be unbiased, and the arguments are almost all stupid anyway.
Yesterday I was counting out our pocket change for some fast food. I wanted her to park while I counted it, and she didn't want to and thought i was being too slow. I lost track because we were bickering, she said I'd counted it 3 or 4 times already when I hadn't finished once, scream, yell, parked the car "to get out so I can count it without her being there." I decided I'd just walk home because the weather was great and I just wanted to be removed from the situation. She wouldn't let me, and I got to listen to all sorts of crap on the way home.
Aside from the usual "CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS JUST NORMAL MOTHER/SON PROGRAMMING FOR THE CHILD TO REJECT THEIR PARENTS" thing she believes as the reason we fight... she forgot the "standard male testosterone ego bull
>-bleeped-<" line that she normally uses, she said a lot of things that made me think.
Basically going on and on and on about how she cares so much for me and how I treat her like
>-bleeped-< and all these things. How she's always been there, wants the best for me, all that. How if there's some reason that I think she's so awful, she'd love to know. Or something more she can do. Not that I actively act like she's so awful, or treat her like
>-bleeped-< intentionally, however...
"Everything I've done was so you wouldn't be gay"
"AT LEAST YOU AREN'T A FAGGOT"The phrases that echo through my mind from a few years ago, things she said to me in random arguments we had. I never brought up sexuality with her (can you blame me?), though at the time I was young and deeply struggling with trying to figure it out. For a teenager, a white/black gay/straight world view is pretty hard, especially when the teen's actually TG.
Her closed minded bigotry has done great things for diminishing my opinion of her. The catholic church is screwed up because of gays (talk about the symptoms, not the cause...) She has the lowest opinion of bi people, and hates lesbians. I've forgotten more hatefilled comments than I remember.
She's an extreme left wing hippy liberal otherwise.
Yeah, it makes no sense.After we got home from the car ride, I went for a long, long walk. Being in texas, there isn't a short walk anywhere. I wanted to go to a nearby sports bar that had a great, cheap menu (found out they no longer do, heh.) Along the way I passed a church that I'd never seen before. All hollywood movie like I decided to go in and see if god would talk to an atheist. it was locked, I laughed.
Eventually, dad called me to ask where I was and I invited him down to play a game of pool. Never done anything like that before, it was kind of nice.
I live with both of my parents again after living in another state for 5 months last year. She's moving out again for a couple of months, hoping that when she comes back things will have "settled down" between us. Because that worked so well the other times she's done that. (edit: and because my 5 months away did so much to help us not fight, too
)
But I thought about her questions. There were others that I've forgotten, but there were answers for pretty much all of them. All of them relating back to my GID.
I had the realization that telling her would, in fact, mean therapy. Either she'd completely blow me away by being supportive, and our relationship would greatly improve, and I'd get the help I need. Or she'd be a complete disgusted
>-bleeped-< about it like I expect her to be, and she'd very much eagerly shove me into treatment. Regardless, I'd get to stop hearing about how we fight because I'm a male
>-bleeped-<. No more frequent bitching about my low weight. No more completely whacked ass random bull
>-bleeped-<-psychology demeaning assessments from her about why we argue. No more pretending, no more pretenses. Finally an answer to whether or not I'm right about her as a person. She can put up and prove what she's said for years, or I can stop wasting her time "loving" me.
Somehow that all seems vastly appealing because I'm as tired of it as she is.
Otherwise, it's going to be several months before I have the means to see doctors on my own, which'll require my dad's insurance/money anyway, and mom and I will continue having huge, stupid, petty fights that result in her screaming to dad about it for a couple of hours.
I haven't spoken to her since the fight nearly 24 hours ago, though I slept most of the day since I've been running a sleep deficit the past month for the play I'm in. I very well understand that it's not the best time, or reason to direct her towards gender resources and such. The fact of the matter is that I don't think there will ever be a good time with her. We fight all the time, and she's not going to be "more accepting" at any one time than another. I don't see much reason for her to keep moving out of her own house to "fix things", when it's a silly waste of time that really won't do anything.
As for my dad... well, I'd like to tell him personally at some point, which seems so hard to do. I've never told a guy about myself before. Either she'd respect my wishes for that, or she'd go screaming to him about it first chance she got. In any case, he's a very intelligent, live and let live kind of person so I'm not worried about him.
Sorry for the disjointed ramblings.
