My Gender Paradox: The Search for the True Me

[David_The_T]

Okay, I'd like to be as honest as possible with this most, for my sake and the sake of those who read it. I want to be a girl. But it doesn't make me happy. I want it so bad but everytime I try I get more deppressed. First comes thinking about it, that makes my life halt to a grinding stop. Then there's the clothes, which doesn't do much for me at all. I've tried hormones twice, both times I ended up flushing them in tears out of how awful they make me feel. The last time this happened I had the slightest of breast development and had started to lactate. This didn't make me happy, it just creeped me out. But I feel so trapped in this feeling of wanting, needing, to be a girl. To have a hot body, to be soft, to be feminine and attractive. To get all the love I feel I never got, and can't get as a man.

When I think about myself as a man, all my energy comes back. My goals, my emotions, everything. I feel alive again. But there is always just a little bug in my guts that bites me in the slightest of ways saying, "come back." But everytime I do, I end up as I am now: deppressed, without motivation, and spending most of my time alternating between self gratification to transsexual forums and eating. I need to break this cycle. I really need to be able to just put this thing behind me, one way or the other. If transitioning made me happy, wouldn't I have done it when I had the chance?

I seem to have no desire to present as female in any other way than a sexual one. When I think about this stuff, my thoughts turn to sex. If I set out to truly investigate what it is I am, for example on these forums, my thoughts still quite quickly turn to sex (as a woman).

Now, I realize a therapist could help me sort out a lot these things, but, I'd really like the opinions of the people here. I'm particularly interested in anyone who has gone through something similar and wishes to share what they did about it.

Facts about me:
age 22
cis male
born with monorchism (one testicle)
HRT attempts: 2 (one of which lasted a bit over 1.5 months)
GID feelings started at: puberty
Has always been a loner, and has very little friends
ring finger is shorter than index finger on both hands
mild case of gynocomestia
has had extreme body image issues from a young age due to being overweight

*To those who replied to my previous thread, I thank you very much, this thread has been re-created due to a certain word being apparently not elligible for discussion here. I will consider re-visiting a therapist, but I am still interested in your personal input. Thanks again.

[JoanneB]

Not quite what I expected but awfully similar to me.

I was on/off HRT twice in my 20's. Both times stopped sort of because of feeling awfull. Awfull in that faking being a guy would be easier and better for me and probably actually work compared to transitioning.

My GID memories date back to being 4-5 and blossomed in early teens as my T levels skyrocketed. They never went away, only got displaced by diversions, distractions and some denial. What I call the 3Ds.

Take away the 3Ds and now I am now facing a paradox. I went back on HRT 3 years ago. About that same time I started looking into some sort of external support, having always dealt with being trans basically alone. Although my wife knew, even supported me, it was not a thing I was proud to talk about with her or anyone else. Eventually I found a TG group. That led to a therapist to help me sort out a lot of bad behaviours, with being trans at the root of many of them.

Today I find that it totally sucks sitting on this fence. One side living a life filled with joy, happiness, emotions, love, and great friends. The other basically grinding away with no joy or purpose. Only duty. That is the male life. I have no desire to present as a male, except to keep my job which allows me to live up to other obligations.

You always have a chance to transition, no matter your age. I am 56, plenty more are older than me. Was in my 20's when I tried HRT the "Right" time for me? No. I knew then and agree now I likely would not have made it. I had and still do tons of self esteem and body image image issues. I had other options and used them. I have some regrets, but I have to believe in my gut and the facts.

Is transition the right option for me now? Maybe. I know which role makes me feel alive and joyous inside now thanks to my part-time experiences out in the real world. None of my obligations, especially financial, will go away. Surely get worse after eventually loosing my job. (spare me the "They can't.. blah blah blah." I was in management, it can always happen) Perhaps loosing my best friend and wife also. Though she has become a lot more open to the possibility of me going full-time.

Sitting on the fence sucks. I often find myself stuffing my face or drinking too much. Curiously, mostly when drab. Sort of another big hint for me. Only time, or another reduction in the work force, will tell 

[Sephirah]

My first thought is that there's a possibility that there are other factors at play here, based on some of the things you've said. Factors which may... hmm... actually I probably shouldn't go any further than that since I don't know you.

I'd like to ask a few questions though, if that's okay.


Firstly, with regard to this:

To have a hot body, to be soft, to be feminine and attractive. To get all the love I feel I never got, and can't get as a man.

Who is it you feel you want to be attractive to?

Why do you feel you can't get love as a man?

What do you think would be different if you were a woman?


Next, about this part:

But there is always just a little bug in my guts that bites me in the slightest of ways saying, "come back."

Have you noticed any specific times in your life when this happens? Any events that trigger it, for example?


Finally, with regard to this:

I seem to have no desire to present as female in any other way than a sexual one. When I think about this stuff, my thoughts turn to sex. If I set out to truly investigate what it is I am, for example on these forums, my thoughts still quite quickly turn to sex (as a woman).

You don't mention in your post, but who are you attracted to? I mean are you gay, straight etc.

(I should mention that this question has nothing to do with gender, insomuch as whether you're internally male or female, it's just something that... well... I think may lead to you being able to think a little more about this in perhaps a different way. Just a feeling I have.)