New and confused about everything

[Qlinik]

Well I'm kind of tired right now and don't want to make an over dramatic and ranting first post and then regret it later on, so I'll give the basics.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere or that I have a purpose in this world. I'm a misanthrope and pretty much hate everybody. People have always treated me like garbage, save the very few who don't. It always felt horrible, like I was somehow cursed. I could never do anything right no matter how hard I tried, I just feel like a failure.

Being a MAAB and not acting manly didn't help matters either. I'll just say I'm not exactly sure what I am- but the words "man" to describe myself just really grates my ears and sits wrong with me, like it doesn't belong. Not sure "woman" would be correct either though. I don't know what would be right. It's just hard when people expect something out of me that I can't even pretend to be.

Also I have undiagnosed mental disorders- well I'm pretty sure I do. I get constant mood swings, constantly attention-seeking, feel like I need to be mean to everyone (that could be a side effect of everyone being mean to me, and then projecting my self-hatred onto everybody). Not being able to afford a therapist (I see one every 2 weeks but he's a dumbass) and living in the US, land of no healthcare, sucks.

So yeah, hello.

[Silent Killer]

You remind me of myself.

[gennee]

Hi and welcome to the forum. You have a lot on your plate. First of all, don't give up on yourself. Look around the site. There are plenty of resources and there are peple here who have similar experience.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Qlinik,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7985  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

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Janet 

[Qlinik]

Thank you. Honestly I just want to be happy, I don't know if it's possible though, or what it would take. I'm afraid of making mistakes, especially ones that cannot be easily fixed. I want to be accepted. I want my bad temper, mood swings, violent thought, etc. to just go away. I'd like to be able to support myself too, which seems hard in this day and age.

[Jamie D]

Hello Qlink.  Are you able to get any services through your county?

Welcome to Susan's.  I hope we can be of help.

[Qlinik]

Are you able to get any services through your county?

I have no idea, I haven't really looked into it.

[Devlyn]

Hi Qlinik, welcome from Boston! You'll meet lots of new friends here! See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[lilacwoman]

what is a MAAB?

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Male Assigned At Birth.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Qlinik,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking.

First of all. Do yourself a favour and get some sleep. The more tired you are, the less chance you have in working through these issues.

Secondly, get your  counselors/therapist working for you, not against you. If it's not working and time/cost/travel is an issue, make them work and tell them how you feel about yourself and you WANT help. If they can't, get them to recommend someone who can.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine