Girls, do you think its preferable not to tell guys we're trans?

[JennX]

I wonder if there are any surveys asking people if they'd actually want to be told.

Now this is a great question. 

In my experience most guys could care less after I have told them. Did some never want to see me again? Sure. But the majority didn't care. Most guys are interested in the overall package, just not a small part of it.

[Kevin Peña]

Well, I still believe that you have to tell those who you are with, but I'm not saying you should just say "I'm trans" the instant someone walks over to talk to you. I'd say JennX has a good method. So long as you come out before any intimacy sets in, you should be good. Make sure you tell the person you're with early and after they've gotten to know you, though, or you'd probably be wasting your time if things go sour.

Now this is a great question. 

In my experience most guys could care less after I have told them. Did some never want to see me again? Sure. But the majority didn't care. Most guys are interested in the overall package, just not a small part of it.

I'm non-op, so I am a bit worried about my chances of finding an accepting person. Are you post-op, pre-op, or non-op? (If you don't mind divulging, of course.)

[lilacwoman]

as lots of men get murderous hate on finding the woman they fancied used to be a man it might be really good to make sure of his attitude before getting serious or telling him.

[JennX]

Well, I still believe that you have to tell those who you are with, but I'm not saying you should just say "I'm trans" the instant someone walks over to talk to you. I'd say JennX has a good method. So long as you come out before any intimacy sets in, you should be good. Make sure you tell the person you're with early and after they've gotten to know you, though, or you'd probably be wasting your time if things go sour.

I'm non-op, so I am a bit worried about my chances of finding an accepting person. Are you post-op, pre-op, or non-op? (If you don't mind divulging, of course.)

Thanks. I'm preop btw. 

[Alainaluvsu]

as lots of men get murderous hate on finding the woman they fancied used to be a man it might be really good to make sure of his attitude before getting serious or telling him.

Which sucks for me... I love those tough guy types and those types are the least willing to "experiment"

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

I had FFS before SRS, at that time my undiagnosed bipolar was acting up, manic wise. I went on a very weird sexual trip, meeting men and women on craigslist and picking up women in bars. (Never met men in bars, even that was too crazy or I should say stupid.) I didn't tell the women, at least not on the first night, I just kept it under wraps) 

I put my pic on craigslist with very provocative, enticing and clever messages. One of my posts got nearly a thousand responses. I did not reveal that I was non-cisgendered in the ads. Nor would I reveal my past in the first couple emails. (I loved the power of toying with these guys.) I also put a BDSM video on youtube and got 100,000 views and guys by the hundreds wanting to be my sex slave.

But the bottom line is, as crazy as I was, I would never think of meeting any of these guys without disclosing first. Again, I was crazy but not stupid.

Post-op, I had another manic spells dating and ->-bleeped-<-ing a lot of guys and I never disclosed to one of them and never had any problems. Luckily, I got sober and got my bi-polar addressed before I got an STD. Or something worse.

Today, I am in a monogamous Lesbian relationship and never plan on dating another man.

[Elena G]

I had FFS before SRS, at that time my undiagnosed bipolar was acting up, manic wise. I went on a very weird sexual trip, meeting men and women on craigslist and picking up women in bars. (Never met men in bars, even that was too crazy or I should say stupid.) I didn't tell the women, at least not on the first night, I just kept it under wraps) 

I put my pic on craigslist with very provocative, enticing and clever messages. One of my posts got nearly a thousand responses. I did not reveal that I was non-cisgendered in the ads. Nor would I reveal my past in the first couple emails. (I loved the power of toying with these guys.) I also put a BDSM video on youtube and got 100,000 views and guys by the hundreds wanting to be my sex slave.

But the bottom line is, as crazy as I was, I would never think of meeting any of these guys without disclosing first. Again, I was crazy but not stupid.

Post-op, I had another manic spells dating and ->-bleeped-<-ing a lot of guys and I never disclosed to one of them and never had any problems. Luckily, I got sober and got my bi-polar addressed before I got an STD. Or something worse.

Today, I am in a monogamous Lesbian relationship and never plan on dating another man.

That's kind of the X-rated version of what we are discussing here!

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

That's kind of the X-rated version of what we are discussing here!

PG13 actually, R at the worst.   

[Kadri]

Wow....If only a guy had given me his number ever! Even though I'm not so interested in them, it would at least have been a nice compliment. I would actually have liked just to have the opportunity to have think on this question at least once in my life.

I think it is pretty obvious what I am to all the guys I meet, that seems to do the disclosure job for me whether i want it or not.

[Julie Wilson]

as lots of men get murderous hate on finding the woman they fancied used to be a man it might be really good to make sure of his attitude before getting serious or telling him.

How many is lots?  I would like to see the statistics.  Knowledge is power.

I don't believe that men get murderous hate on finding out that the woman they fancied used to be a man, I mean I don't believe it's that simple.  There have been some well-publicized murders that everyone remembers but I'm not sure that quantifies as "lots".

I know for a fact that men who have been intimate with me who found out from others that I transitioned or heard rumors from others that I transitioned, men who asked me if the rumors were true, they never reacted with murderous hate but I never confessed to being a man either.

I suppose that if I had confessed to being a man then perhaps something bad might have happened to me.  People like to believe in people.  Some people like to believe in people they have never even seen.  If you tell people that you are a trickster who fooled them into a homosexual act then yes, you might experience murderous hate.  Having a penis and being with a guy who thought you had a vagina is tantamount to deception  in the minds of most Cis men.

Most of the women I know who transitioned will tell you that they have always been female.  In fact the process of transition allows them to 'real-ize' (make real) the fact that they have indeed always been female.  But someone who has sex with a guy and then confesses to not being a woman...  I believe that is where the risk is.  People want to believe in you.  But if you don't believe in you, no one will.

[Julie Wilson]

I think it is pretty obvious what I am to all the guys I meet, that seems to do the disclosure job for me whether i want it or not.

I worked at a job where all the women were spreading rumors that were passed on by a customer who had met me back when I was open about transition.  I came to believe that I couldn't pass as female.  Even now in situations like that it is hard to remember that I do pass because almost no one passes 100% of the time, not even women who were born completely female.

Also, voice is 98% of passing.

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

I want to again applaud Noey for her honesty. Yes, even natal females get misgendered too. Certainly, all my Lesbian friends (those who I have asked) have.   

[Elena G]

I want to again applaud Noey for her honesty. Yes, even natal females get misgendered too. Certainly, all my Lesbian friends (those who I have asked) have.   

You know, I've heard that sometimes, but I can hardly believe it. Specially when voice plays such an important role in gendering.

[Julie Wilson]

But people aren't always talking when they are being gendered and not all women have female sounding voices.

Thanks Berkley, you make me blush.

Does my upper body look massive in that pic?  It kinda does huh?
<----------------------------

[MariaMx]

No. You look great.

[Elena G]

Nah, it doesn't. But I still find it hard to believe. Maybe it's because I've got a pretty good ear, maybe it's because I haven't been in that situation that many times, but still, I find it really hard to see someone misgendering a GG unless she had a REALLY low voice or DEFINITELY masculine features (and I remember two girls in high school that had 'staches bigger than mine!). I'm usually surrounded by many types of girls in daily life (in school), and never I've seen someone that could be misgendered by someone sober. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

[MariaMx]

A woman I know has gotten misgendered on the phone a few times. The voice is a powerful indicator though. There have been times when I was pretty sure someone wasn't female, but then I hear them speak and I changed my mind.

[Julie Wilson]

At the job I mentioned where I used to work, where a customer who knew me when I was open about being trans came in and told all of my coworkers that I was really just a man pretending to be a woman...

There was this guy and he confronted me point blank and told me it was entirely obvious by the size of my chest, shoulders, hips, hands and feet that I was nothing more than a "->-bleeped-<-got" and my coworkers and the bar tender (a woman) just stood around and beamed like, "How you like them apples "->-bleeped-<-"?  I had a lot of experiences like that in the two years I worked at that place.  I only worked there because I didn't believe any other place would hire me.  After work when I got in my car for the long drive home I would fasten my seat belt and throw up because of all the stress.  I kept empty cups in my car for that express purpose.

It's hard not to believe what people say when people are gossiping and talking about you behind your back.  Reality becomes what you fear it is instead of what it is.  Sometimes reality needs to be replaced by taking yourself out of a situation and finding a new one where the rumors haven't circulated.

[Elena G]

What I'm trying to say is that, for me, when you gender someone there has to be a sufficient amount of details to make you think they are male, or female. 99% of the time it's very easy for me to tell for sure who's of what gender (not counting non-binary peeps). I'm not bragging, it's just that I, for one, can't seem to find myself in said situation. I live in a big, multicultural, rather cosmopolitan city: next time I 'hit the streets' I'll probably try to see if I can have trouble doing that. Should be fun.

[Kevin Peña]

At the job I mentioned where I used to work, where a customer who knew me when I was open about being trans came in and told all of my coworkers that I was really just a man pretending to be a woman...

There was this guy and he confronted me point blank and told me it was entirely obvious by the size of my chest, shoulders, hips, hands and feet that I was nothing more than a "->-bleeped-<-got" and my coworkers and the bar tender (a woman) just stood around and beamed like, "How you like them apples "->-bleeped-<-"?  I had a lot of experiences like that in the two years I worked at that place.  I only worked there because I didn't believe any other place would hire me.  After work when I got in my car for the long drive home I would fasten my seat belt and throw up because of all the stress.  I kept empty cups in my car for that express purpose.

It's hard not to believe what people say when people are gossiping and talking about you behind your back.  Reality becomes what you fear it is instead of what it is.  Sometimes reality needs to be replaced by taking yourself out of a situation and finding a new one where the rumors haven't circulated.

I know it won't change anything, but I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I know what it feels like to be bullied like that. Only a select few know I'm trans, but I came out as being attracted to men to everyone, thinking that I would be accepted. In short, I was harassed and referred to as "->-bleeped-<-" by a few people. I know what you went through; I even got assaulted because of my sexuality. Fortunately, I know how to defend myself, so I came out unscathed. I understand that you want to keep your past a secret; I plan on doing the same thing upon transition, at least to people not significant to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but based on your comments in this topic, I'd say you seem to be a bit jaded. Keep your chin up and remember that gossip is unproven hearsay, by definition. There are a few doody-heads out there, but I like to think people are basically good. Bottom line, don't stress over your worries that people are all going to be like those in your past. There are great people out there and you shouldn't be afraid to confide in some of them.