For the most part, all of my friends and family know me as a 25 year old, handsome, nice, and funny Jewish guy who is in his second year of medical school. But for most of my life, I have wished and dreamed I could be a girl. I remember my first cross-dressing experience was when I was in 1st grade and I dressed in my sister's clothes with my baby sitter (my sister was not home) and got caught. While I had no problem acting as a boy, playing sports, or imagining I was a soldier from the future or a hockey player, I remember always seeing girls toys and secretly wishing I could play with them. During Purim (halloween for jews), the boys in the grade above me always would dress as girls for kicks and I remember that I would always tell my mom I wanted to dress as a girl as well. She would always say no and it wasn't until I was in 6th grade, the oldest class in my elementary school that she said I could. That was also the year that our class performed mini sketches and I played cinderella in my group's play. I still remember my teacher brushing the blonde wig I was wearing. We also did a monologue that year and my teacher had given me a female role to play. After that, I loved being a girl, but I was so afraid and ashamed that any photos that were taken, I burned. I hared how much I wanted to be a girl. Over the next couple years, my desire to be female increased, especially because I was a late bloomer. I would sneak into my mom's room and play with her make up and try on my sisters' (she was in college by then) clothing. I got caught a couple of times and I would always tell my mom it was because I felt if I wasn't becoming a man then I might as well be a girl. Once puberty started to hit though, I was so excited because I thought these feelings would go away. But for the past 13 years, they never have. There have been times where my friendshios with other girls has remarked in them in saying "I wish you were a girl," or "You are being such a girl." Whenever that happened, I would get so excited on the inside, while containing my wish to be a girl on the outside. I have come to terms that I will always feel female on the inside, but am hesitant to transition for many reasons. I feel the biggest reason is because of my grandfather.
My Grandfather was a Holocaust survivor and lost all of his family. He, my grandmother, and my Mom eventually moved to the US, but being so poor, they could only afford to take care of one child. My Mom eventually grew up, married her first husband, had my sister, divorced, then met my Dad and had me. I am their only child together and have no other step or half siblings. Therefore, my grandfather took it upon himself to teach me, his only grandson, the laws of the Torah and our rich Jewish heritage. Because my sister was never interested, I carry with me the legacy of my Grandfather as well as the rest of his 200+ family members who never made it out of the camps of Aushwitz or the ghettos of Warsaw. So much of me wants to marry a woman (i am interested in women), have children and continue to pass on the legacy of my family. I would make a great father and a wonderful husband. But I know that my desire to be female is only getting stronger as I get older. I feel if I had had a brother who was taught like me, then this would be easier, but that is not the case. Also, being in medical school, I don't know when or how I would transition should I decide to do it. If I could repress these feelings I would, but I know they will never go away. I know this would crush my Mom who feels I am her only chance of having a grandchild (sister is still single at 36 and my Mom is skeptical) and my Dad (I am his only boy). I feel stuck and not sure what to do or how to do it.
Thank you all!
Sammie
