losing it

[jesse]

its been a while since ive realy been active on these boards i have missed certain people a great deal valerydances cindy james, lord kat, and others who have long since departed. it would appear i am losing my will to keep going on. i am not suicidal so please dont think this is about that as i have expressed to cindy many times i lack the courage to whack myself in a violaent maner i no longer have the ambition to do anything at all including basic needs things have gone from bad to worse and now my attempts to self rescue are half hearted at best i just dont care i have stopped eating i have no feelings toward it it is tasteless and serves no purpose except prolonging my exisistance. i met anouther trans who's life is falling apart as well. my diabetic medications are meant to be taken with food i still take these and it makes my stomach turn inside out and im getting very light headed. ive lost track of were i was going with this so f it
jessi

[Devlyn]

People come and go from this place. But at any given time you'll find a large group here fiercely dedicated to each other. That support is what keeps a lot of us going. Please take care of yourself, Jess. Hugs, Devlyn

[Maegan]

Hi Jesse,

I am so very sorry to hear about the rough patch that you are going through at the moment. I think most of us have been there at some stage. The only difference between us who stick to life and those who quit is willpower. There is certainly always a little flame of hope out there somewhere, isn't there? I have have learnt through the years to always cling to hope, no mater how small it may be. Nurture it, water it, and you will be surprised what can come forth from a positive attitude, no matter how hopeless or useless it may seem currently.

Maybe you have the ability to encourage the other trans person, and in so doing, you will also help yourself.

Now listen to aunty Maegan!! Eat your veggies before taking your meds! 

Never forget that there are still a lot of sisters and brothers here who are willing to help and encourage you. All you have to do is ask.

Hang in there and remember: Never, ever, give up. To do so is to admit defeat. We are a very special and unique breed.

Many huggs

Maegan.

PS. I just saw the caption below your avatar pic. "Live,love, laugh" Stick to that and you will be surprised by what happens!

[JulieC.]

I'm not sure if I have anything to say that will help but just please hang in there Jessi. 

[suzifrommd]

Jesse, please find someone to help you get through this nasty patch. It's too much for you to have to deal with alone.

Whatever you do, please remember one thing:

IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

There is help, there is hope, and there will be a way out.

And please keep posting. We'll miss you if you go away again.

[jesse]

thanks for the encouragement perhaps its time to go back to the va phychiatrist i obviously cant deal with this alone. it takes me forever to get these posts out because i forget what im doing. does anyone else have difficulty connecting to people and when you finally do they vanish without a trace that is how i feel about members i mentioned in the original post. or perhaps its me that vanishes i have a loving wife and grown kids but i cant connect to them either its a reminder of the life i tried to build around being a guy. i guess what im trying to say is i feel so utterly alone out here surly some of you have felt his way. im less moody when im working perhaps if the security company that i applied for can find a post for me ill start to feel better right now im utterly useless and cant even make any progress in transition
jessi

[suzifrommd]

does anyone else have difficulty connecting to people and when you finally do they vanish without a trace that is how i feel about members i mentioned in the original post.

Yes, on a board like this, people do come and go. It's very anonymous and I don't really know the people anyway, just what they want to show me. A few times it's happened that someone seems very interesting so I send them a PM (or someone thinks I'm interesting and sends me one) and I've made a few real friends that way.

im less moody when im working perhaps if the security company that i applied for can find a post for me ill start to feel better right now im utterly useless and cant even make any progress in transition
jessi

Being without a job is one of the toughest things someone can go through. It's so easy to feel useless, like you're talking about.

It's not true thought, really. The day someone gets laid off from their job, they're not any less skilled/interesting/smart/capable than they were the day before, are they? Their abilities and qualities didn't just suddenly leak out of their body. The uselessness is just an illusion.

Not transitioning is stressful. Some people find it helpful to find things that make them feel true to themselves, things that help them appreciate the world. For me it's listening to music, reading and taking walks. It'll probably be different for you, but you if you find things like that, it helps connect you to yourself, and help you put up with the slow progress on transition.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Jesse,

We all go through the tough times.  I am going through a bad patch right now.  No money, no meds.  But I still keep trying to make each day special.

Hang in there,sis.  Go see the VA.  And eat something.

[LordKAT]

Hey Jess,

I haven't left. I've been working and having some health issues.  I think of you quite often still. Matter of fact, you came up in a conversation with my son while driving him home the other day.

Hold on to any gain you have, things will come together yet. Besides, you told me you would show a mountain view, hard to do that if you disappear.

I understand about the old wounds being opened too. I never understood why it has to hurt  before you can heal. I guess it is kind of like having to rebreak a bone that hasn't healed properly, so that it can be healed the right way. The nightmares (and daymares if you're like me) don't really seem worth it.

Thing is, it is worth it. It takes so long to dig yourself out of the dark place that there isn't any light that you can see at the end of the tunnel, but guess what, it is there, just very hard to see it right now.

Ok, I'm getting wordy as well as worried. You can call me you know.

[yasuko14]

You're not alone my friend. I've been feeling down and alone recently as well. I just live each day for a better tomorrow. I don't know why I'm here on this Earth or what my purpose is, but hell, I'm on this damn ride called life so I might as well enjoy it and see how it turns out.

Everyone needs purpose and a reason to live, even if it's coming home to your pet dog that you rescued from the shelter. Things are ->-bleeped-<-ty now, but they can't stay like this forever if you take steps to make a change in something, anything. 

I've been through foster care, interim homes, and half way houses, and rehab centers. I told myself "Iv'e made it this far, I'm going to survive no matter what" and right now those times are years behind me.

Time doesn't stop and everything keeps changing. Things will only remain negative if you yourself are frozen in time unwilling to change. 

[jesse]

hey check this out everyone the IRS levied my wife's check to the tune of 4000 over the last several months we paid the debt but now the payroll company good old walmart uses wont release the levy in spite of being sent three releases to date so today i have the the IRS fax another to them and a copy to me i get the copy and the release has my social security on it really are you kidding me despite telling them that it had to have her social security number on it what the heck has happened to plain common sense is the world getting dumber by the decade
Jessi