Sorry to make a thread for something so trivial....but this is really bugging me

[Jeatyn]

I know this is very petty and nothing in the grand scheme of things but I really would like some opinions on what is going on here....

So basically I have a couple of friends who I am stealth with on an online community, and for some reason I think they know about my background. I have no idea how, we do not interact outside of the website in question and they have no way of knowing who I am outside of what I've told them, no pictures, no voice, no real names, no emails, nothing.

I can't tell if I'm just being paranoid or if somehow they've investigated, I really would like to figure this out so I can take appropriate action. If they have in fact managed to discover who I am outside of the website then something has gone wrong and I need to rectify it, I do not want these people in my actual "real life"

There is one woman in particular who always says "hello ladies" or "goodbye ladies" when talking to a group of us, when I'm included in said group. At first I just playfully said "hey we're not all ladies here " thinking it was an over site on her part...but now she definitely seems to be making a point of calling me a girl and including me in her "ladies" comments. I've been ignoring it lately, wondering if she was only doing it to annoy me, but despite the ignoring, she still does it; and I'm confused.

Then today I received a message from a different person in the group asking me for some graphics stuff making, she used the phrase:

I was told you were the "guy" to ask.

The "guy"?

I cannot think of any possible reason to put "guy" in quote marks other than it being a sly wink to the fact she knows I'm "not really a guy" and I'm not sure how to proceed.

Any opinions would be greatly appreciated...even if they're just to tell me I'm being stupid

[Beverly]

Perhaps you have given yourself away inadvertently? Maybe by referring to stuff that guys generally do not know? I have done stuff like cutting and pasting the wrong stuff into posts because I got mixed up and it has given away information that could lead to me being identified.

Do you use the same 'name' on different websites? I only use 'brc' on this site and if you google it you will not find me anywhere else, but many people use the same name on several sites.

You could either ignore them or (to the second one) say "Why did you put 'guy' in quotes?" and see what kind of reply you get.

[Jeatyn]

My username for that website is very unique to that website only. It's not so much a worry of being outed, I'm not really too bothered about people knowing as long as they're respectful...and I just no longer associate with the ones who aren't. That's not to say I broadcast it to everyone I know but if you google my real name you will find stuff that outs me, in an ideal world that stuff wouldn't be there but it is and I've decided it's not worth the energy worrying about it.

They only know me as a username and a first name basis on that site. Just googling "nick" isn't going to bring anything up. I refuse to even share something like my xbox live username in case they manage to connect the dots. Even if anyone asks where I'm from I just say "england" and leave it at that...I'm very mysterious xD

My worry is that I have in fact somehow let it slip, or let SOMETHING slip that could lead them to finding me on another website. For the life of me I can't figure out what it could be.

I'm afraid to ask directly about the behaviour in case I am just being paranoid and end up opening a can of worms xD I'd like to be sure so I can go and put my foot down.

[MariaMx]

Well, I don't know what kind of online community this is but if it is one that is female dominated and you are the only guy it isn't unthinkable that they are just expressing their inclusion of you as one of their own in their female group. It doesn't necessarily mean they know. Before I transitioned I was permanent member of a girls only clique. They knew nothing of my inner workings but would often jokingly refer to me as "one of the gals". It was just their way of showing I was accepted as a member of their group even though I was the odd one out.

[Jeatyn]

Yeah there are very few guys in the group, they're mostly middle aged women. That thought had crossed my mind, because to some of them I'm like their "gay best friend" and it wouldn't be out of character to include me as one of the girls. There are a handful of other guys that occasionally pop in to chat but not on the same scale as I do and as far as I know I'm the only one who's gay.

It's this second person putting "guy" in quote marks that's really thrown me. I'm trying to think of how a bio-guy would take such a thing but obviously I don't have that experience to guide me

For the minute I'm just ignoring it and responding to her as if nothing was up.

[Andrea J]

Could there have been any mannerisms in your writing style that could have given them the impression that you were not a guy? Then they could have got gossiping about it behind your back.

[Andrea J]

Or perhaps the quotation marks around guy were just some allusion to you being gay? It sounds like the sort of thing that some people do.

[Jeatyn]

Aye that's another thought that's crossed my mind...maybe they're having a little sly dig about me being gay, rather than being trans.

I can't be sure if my writing style could give me away, I'm not really aware of the differences =/ I always have to double check gender markers to make sure I'm getting the pronouns right when I reply to people on any website I'm on, I can't tell just from how they type.

[MariaMx]

For the minute I'm just ignoring it and responding to her as if nothing was up.

That is probably the best thing to do, or you could easily end up with a tar-baby on your hands.

[suzifrommd]

Jeatyn, I have a possible different take. Do they think you're dissembling for some other reason (E.g no guy would ever be on our quilting site. Must be a woman pretending to be a guy)?

[Jeatyn]

I don't think it could be that agfrommd, guys definitely do frequent the site. It just so happens the little clique I chat with are all women. I have a separate clique of mostly guys and none of them have ever made me question if they know.

I would be more specific but I don't want to end up creating a link between that site and this site So I'm sorry to be asking for advice while staying so vague.

[dumb bunny]

It could very easily be the gay thing that is causing it. People see how gays in media behave towards each other and certain things stick in their mind, so they think its ok for them to do the same.

[Stranger]

Does the person who wrote "guy" not usually use slang/informal terms in their speech or writing? Because that seems to be a potential explanation: they're referring to common slang ("the guy to ask") but as they don't usually use that language, they've distanced themselves from the slang part of the phrase ("guy").

Hard to explain, I'm not sure if I did a very good job, but I can see it being possible and not having any deeper meaning.

[Jeatyn]

Does the person who wrote "guy" not usually use slang/informal terms in their speech or writing? Because that seems to be a potential explanation: they're referring to common slang ("the guy to ask") but as they don't usually use that language, they've distanced themselves from the slang part of the phrase ("guy").

Hard to explain, I'm not sure if I did a very good job, but I can see it being possible and not having any deeper meaning.

That is a possibility I didn't think of.

I have been searching my brain for any way that I could have let it slip and I can't come up with anything, so I have to lean more towards either it being because I'm gay, or just an odd use of quote marks. It also occurred to me that it doesn't make sense that someone would ask for my help and in the same sentence give me a dig for being trans, surely that would be counter productive. Unless in their own stupid way they're trying to let me know that they know and it doesn't bother them xD You never know with people sometimes.

[cynthialee]

I think it is a gay thing. Gay guys get called girl and lumped in with the 'ladies' all the time.

[leareed]

I agree with what everyone is saying as well.  Before I started to transition I was always friends with mostly girls so someone would address the group and go "How are you ladies?" and then look at me and go "...and gentlemen?" and I was just laugh because sometimes when people see a manly dominated group of girls they will just address the group as a feminine entity if that makes sense?  I wouldn't worry too much about it though, if things get worse, I would always just politely ask them why.  Hope this helped!