I took the whole week off of Christmas to clean the house, have been cooking most nights, and hosting visitors. It has been wonderful! I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom to be honest, but realizing we need two incomes to support our household, I've tried to push the thought out.
Recently, with my partner being pregnant it has been hitting me more strongly. I already do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning in the house, I also handle all the bills and our family calendar. Additionally my partner has agreed that I should be primarily in charge of the social development of the child, being the naturally more nurturing one. I do all this already which is great, but only AFTER going to work for 9-10 hours a day. It sucks, some days I'm tired, and I don't get nearly as much done as I want to each day. I would REALLY like to stay at home and maintain the home and property while taking care of our children. I have the initiative and creativity to run a home based business if we needed extra income, but I'm afraid it won't be enough.
So today we went to the second trimester sonogram and found out we are having a little girl. My "maternal instinct" went off the charts. If I wanted to be a stay at home mom before, it increased 10 fold today. I told my partner who laughed and said she had absolutely NO desire to stay at home and couldn't see anyone ever wanting to. She hates anything involved with taking care of the home unless it means getting to work outside, like building a fence, or mucking the stables, etc. I told her I didn't want to lose the house, but I worried this would continue to affect me. After all, when I transitioned I expected to be able to raise my children myself. But I realize that since I didn't end up transitioning completely, I won't be able to be a mom and it sucks. Double that with the fact I have to work and its kinda depressing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm SUPER excited about our child! I cannot wait to have her in my life, but with it comes other things I'll have to deal with emotionally. I was called "dad" today and I wanted to claw my ears off. I have to brace myself for a lot more of that to come. In the end, I made my choice and I need to take responsibility for that choice, but I feel like, more than at any other time, that I have truly shut the door on ever being a mom, and there is mourning with that too.
