Feminism and the FTM

[nerdyjamie]

Hey everyone

I'm not sure if anyone's had a similar experience, but I'd love to hear about it if you have.

I'm really, really early into this. As in, I've only recently come out to myself, I've told my husband and while he's supportive he's not exactly informed, and I'm waitlisted for about a million years at the local all genders clinic.

I'm also part of a feminist group; we're volunteers at a rape crisis center on the crisis line, and we meet often and do all sorts of outreach together. I hadn't seen anyone since before I came out to myself, partially because life is hectic and partially because I've been avoiding them. Even in the short time since this all started, I felt so estranged from these women who used to be such a huge part of my life - like I was in the presence of something really amazing happened, and I remember what it feels like, but I just wasn't there with them anymore. I was awkward, out of place, and really just wanted to run out of the room crying.

I don't know what will happen when I come out to them. I know they won't be jerks, but it's a woman-only space. I can connect with them so much about growing up as a girl and how hard that is in a patriarchal culture, but at the same time, suddenly it's like we're on different planets. I feel like I'm deceiving them by being there, as they wouldn't be so open if they knew  a man was present. I don't want to be an ally to my own movement - and feminism has been the most important thing in my life for so long.

It's not that I think men can't be feminists. I'm just so afraid of these women not opening up to me, because like I said, I know what it is to grow up a girl and I carry all the hurt they do around that. I don't know what I'd do without them - it's the only way I know how to survive with memories of rape and feel strong.

This is my biggest fear about transitioning, and it pretty much exploded in my face tonight. Have any FTM's here balanced feminism and manhood? How did you do it?

[Ayden]

I'll take a crack at it! 

First, I balance feminism and being male the same way I balance anything else in my life. Like, being male and bawling my eyes out over Make-A-Wish foundation stories, or balancing being male and still being my little brother's "big sis". It's just another part of my identity. It is what it is. Men can be feminists because feminism isn't about just women. Its about equality at its core. My husband is more of a feminist than I am by far.

I identify as male, but I was raised female and in women's circles and I can still relate when my female friends tell me about their boyfriend problems, the period pains, the worries over women's rights, the fear of strange men. How we were raised and our experiences shape us as people. Just think of it as a chance to be a slightly more learned guy in the world of women. I personally have tried to use my experiences to teach my brothers and my male friends about issues that women face that they wouldn't think of. I cannot be active in those circles anymore personally, but I can encourage other men to take to heart the experiences being female brings to the table.

That being said, I have not belonged to women's only space in a very long time. Some of the women in your group may not okay with it, and some of them may move away from you. Some of them may not understand and feel like you are leaving behind something important. Some of them may not care and still want you to be an active part of their lives. The relationship will change, and the friendship will change because you may have similar experiences but you feel at your core to be something different from them. To use my own experience, my childhood friend is fiercely proud of being a woman, and she is okay with my transition. We still have the same experiences and I understand how she grew up. We are still close, but she and I both know that my experiences in life from here on will be radically different from hers. Our relationship hasn't changed, but our shared experiences will become less and less. For my friend and I, she views it as a change to get the "inside scoop" on the world of men, and while we may be different in what we go through now, we still share our backgrounds.

There will be a time if you chose transition and identify as male, that you will need to step out of the group and respect their women only rule. This doesn't mean that you have to lose those experiences or lose your connection to the group completely. It will change, and it will no longer be what it is. It just means that you are respecting that it is a place for women.