Becoming certain of what I want

[Clarity]

I just got through my first therapy appointment today. The therapist said that I need to be 100% certain that I want to become a girl. I would say I'm getting close to there, but would like some advice on how I can become certain about what I want.

I would say right now that I'm pretty certain of who I am. I'm finding the more I try out being a girl, the more I enjoy it. Right now, I can say that I've never been happier with myself.

At the same time, I still have a couple doubts lingering. My 2 largest doubts are how people are going to treat me and how I'm going to afford this. I know some day I will have to tell my parents, my church, and my work about being trans. My therapist encouraged me to come up with a plan on how I'm going to handle coming out publicly. I can honestly say that I don't know how my parents will react. I know they've had suspicions that there was something different about me in the past. I figure that at the very least, I'm no longer financially dependent on them which means I could survive if they no longer want anything to do with me. As for my church, I think that I need to talk to my pastor in private about this to see what his views are and how he thinks the congregation will react. I've done some research on my denomination (United Methodist) and have found that they have mixed views on LGBT. I've found a website listing LGBT churches in my area, so I think I would just end up changing where I attend if my current church isn't accepting.

On top of that all, I think I've read one too many horror stories about the worst ways that M2F's can be treated. I know these concerns are real, but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

[suzifrommd]

Yukiko, I'm not an expert on all this, but I've heard the same horror stories you have.

I'm someone who has resisted the idea of living as a woman. I'm still daunted by how hard it will be. I've only actually presented female once, and  it was an amazing amount of work.

That said, I can't wait to do it again.

My inclinations toward living as a woman come about for one reason and one reason only:

I can't imagine enjoying continuing to live the way I am. The only way I can imagine going forward is living as a female. Still don't know if I will do it, but if I didn't feel like it was the only way, I would have turned back by now.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Sammiegirl42]

Hey Yukiko!

I actually am almost in the same position as you are. I came out to my Mom last night and while she has accepted me for who I am, she knows that there is a chance that my friends, Dad, Sister, synagogue would not. I haven't gone to see a therapist and I hope they will be able to help me with this, but the idea of losing everyone I am so close to is terrifying. On the other hand, my drive to be female has only grown over the past 10 years. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and perhaps can share your experiences with me in the future! Know that you are not alone though 

Sammie   

[JoanneB]

After a good 50 years I am still not sure myself, so don't feel bad. What I have been finding out is the best way to be certain is to do some testing. I first started out presenting as female only to my TG group meeting once a month. After a while of that I needed to make the next big step, seeing the therapist. From there it expanded to a couple of quick shopping trips afterwards, to an afternoon out, to now living a good part of the time outside of work as a female.

I am a lot more sure than I used to be. Still plenty of reasons against a full transition. But if I won big in the lottery most to all those reasons disappear and I know for sure I would make the change.

I did try this "test" twice before in my early twenties when I knew the course of my life would not become set. I wasn't up to the challenges ahead if I did transition and bailed after a few months. I don't regret that decision. What I do regret is not being able to appreciate the amazing things I accomplished in my life since it was all a big lie. Fortunately, comming to accept myself for who I am has helped in all areas, not just for the being trans part.

The biggest plus to just trying to see who you are, is comming to completely accept who you are. No matter what the outcome ultimately is, you will come through it is a more self-assured person.

[gennee]

You're concerns are legitimate, Yukiko. Being sure that you want to transition is a life changing decision. How your parents and church reacts is a mixed bag. You seem to be prepared for what may happen. 

[grrl1nside]

Honestly, I always get wound up any time someone says someone must be a 100% certain of anything. To the extent that I am certain it is what my brain registers rather than what my body is.

I too have similar fears about others, will I be able to pass, what will I look like after HRT, how much will it cost if I have to have FFS, will I have bricks thrown at my windows by some crazy person, etc. If I want, I could focus on all these things, but in the end they won't stop me from having the rather dysphoric thoughts that I do get. I know that I feel better when I allow myself to be the person that I am.

Slowly, I have been focusing on being who I am and building a positive, forward looking life. That being said, I also think about all those risks too, but I put them in their place based on just how important they are to me and the degree to which they too would take away something so intrisic to myself that I couldn't be happy either transitioning or not transitioning (then I compare the results). I also try my best to create a plan to deal for each of these lingering doubts and fears. Although I have my doubts and fears, they really pale in comparison for me compared to finally being me.

I can appreciate how overwhelming all these thoughts can be. They still bother me at times, I hope that you can find the answers you are looking for. In the meantime, I wish you much peace and send a few hugs your way.

[nerdyjamie]

I'm glad you're not trying to rush things. In my limited experience, I've realised that these things refuse to be rushed anyways.

I'm also glad to hear that you're giving your congregation a chance to be supportive. Not many people would do that. But just think of how great it would be if you had a big group of people to draw support from, and a chance to practice your spirituality while you transition. Not to mention all new ways of practicing being a girl within your church!

Cheers

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

All of us have had those doubts.  They kept me from transitioning 20 some years ago.  This time round,  I remember the words of FDR

... the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

Doubt holds us back from our true joy and our true selves.

One step at a time is how a journey is concluded.

[lilacwoman]

I really don't get this business about a therapist saying 'you need to be 100% certain you want to become a girl'.
I mean what other options are there?

The first therapist I saw spent chatting to saw me dressed as a woman with appropriate body language and wrote things like 'appearnce and mannerism of a woman and I will support her in her need to achieve sex change' - but then I do think that thats what a MtF TS will be like.

[justmeinoz]

With an anime avatar and name like Yukiko can I suggest a somewhat Zen-like approach and just be in the moment, and be the woman you are at that time and place.  You know who you are ,so as it is early days, just being mindful of what is happening can be enough.

Karen.

[Clarity]

Looking back at this, I think I am getting closer to deciding what I want. As was pointed out, I have already thought about the worst that can happen when coming out and have come up with a plan for how to handle being rejected. I know that I have close friends that will always love me no matter what decision I make which makes me feel a lot better about going through with transition. As for the finances, I figure now I will put them out of mind until the day that I have decided with my therapist that I am going to transition. I'm an intelligent person, so I figure that when the time comes I'll find a way to work out finances.

The therapist said that I meet most of the classic criteria for gender identity disorder. The main one he mentioned that he didn't see in me is the desire to be a girl since childhood. I don't think this is too big of concern because he was asking me to remember stuff from 14+ years ago which I may not have a completely accurate memory of.

[suzifrommd]

The therapist said that I meet most of the classic criteria for gender identity disorder. The main one he mentioned that he didn't see in me is the desire to be a girl since childhood.

This troubles me too. Could I have been a female all along and not known it?

I think I've come to the conclusion that it's where I am now that matters, but I envy those MtF's who have early moments of knowledge that they were female, bringing with it a certainty that eludes me.

[Natalie-pink]

you sound very smart yukiko! you have a plan and your doing great just keep it up! i think u will get your chance to become a girl. -hugs-                Natalie                                                                                                                                                           

[Sephirah]

The main one he mentioned that he didn't see in me is the desire to be a girl since childhood.

I tend to be wary of this as any sort of definitive indicator. People have different upbringings and different levels of gender assertion placed on them during their childhood. Some parents might be constantly trying to reinforce that their little one is a boy or a girl - buying them the 'appropriate' things and creating stereotypical gender activities to go along with this and firmly plant the idea that they're supposed to be a certain gender. Whereby it's reasonably easy to see how the natural inclination to feel that they aren't that gender may show from an early age.

However, some parents might not be like that, and their child just sort of develops in a neutral environment where they're free to do the things they want and act the way they want without having to associate the way they are with whether they're a boy or a girl. In such a situation, it's reasonable to assume that the desire to 'be' one or the other is lessened since there's not really as much frame of reference for either, and they aren't forced into a particular box to rebel against. In some situations, feeling that something isn't right, and knowing what that is, are entirely different things.

[Clarity]

I spent this last weekend as a girl while visiting people that I know to be supportive. I'm being told that I seem quite a bit happier than normal, but I still seem uncomfortable. I went out into public with them as a girl and was mostly worried about getting trouble from some random person. I survived the trip just fine, but I do realize that worrying about what others think of me has been a lifelong problem extending beyond just my gender identity. I feel that I need to work these issues out first and then I'll be ready to transition.

[justmeinoz]

It is a bit hard to want things as a child when they have been ground out of you, and repressed because of fear of the consequences of speaking about them.

[JoanneB]

I'm being told that I seem quite a bit happier than normal....

Same thing happened my first times out. These days I not only appear happier, I feel tons happier then "normal" when I am out as Joanne

I do realize that worrying about what others think of me has been a lifelong problem extending beyond just my gender identity. I feel that I need to work these issues out first and then I'll be ready to transition.

Always been my problem since 5 or so. I was an easy target of ridicule for many reasons, the trans part was totally unknown to others. When I first started therapy it was only to work out the issues/behaviours I had, some of which were indirectly due to being trans

[Clarity]

Today I have decided that I need to start living a life that I'm happy with. I worry too much about pleasing others and living up to their expectations instead of being who I want to be. Also, when I think about it, it seems likely that the desires to be a girl have been with me longer than I acknowledge. It is highly likely that these desires were present as a child, I just always wrote off the idea of being a girl as impossible since I never heard the term transgender until I was in middle school. Basically, my reaction to when I first heard of transgender was "They can do that?"

I've also come up with a goal for my transition. I decided that a good time to start HRT would be right after the new years. I feel that gives me plenty of time to work out any issues and doubts that need to be overcome before I start. I also feel that waiting until after the holidays are past would be best for coming out to my parents. Lastly, a new year seems like the perfect time for a new beginning.

[Natalie-pink]

thats right yukiko u should be who u want to be and have the life u want u will feel happier and better. your so smart it impresses me! and ive been told im brilliant. dont care so much what people think and pleasing them you have a plan and just try to care about whats important to u a little more. take care and good luck. -hugs-          Natalie. :3