Letting go of 'non binary' gender

[saint]

I have identified as non-binary (in various guises) for quite a while now; and doing so has been really helpful for me.  Opting out of the male/female binary has helped me recognise and let go of a lot of gender 'rules' I had been socialised into accepting regarding clothing, ways of moving and expressing, sexuality etc etc, has helped me become more accepting and loving towards myself and more genuine and rounded as a person.

But I have reached a stage now where I am thinking of letting the non-binary label go.  I now feel more like it is not ME that is non-binary, it is GENDER that is non-binary.  I am male bodied and that has never been an issue for me.  I think I have had unconscious social programming in my head telling me "you sometimes act in ways that are not socially acceptable for men; therefore you are not a man".  I now see and feel more clearly that this is nonsense; I am a male-bodied person who loves skirts and nail polish and is quiet and gentle.  I feel proud (well, I am making progress on this at least!) to reclaim these attributes as attributes suitable for male-bodied people.  (Although of course concepts such as "man" and "male-bodied" are equally as socially constructed as "non-binary gender").  Also, I think I have a lot that I can learn (and teach?) through being in certain 'male' environments that I have excluded myself from on grounds of being non-binary.

This is how I feel today anyway - if my experiences around gender have taught me anything it is that it can change with the wind, and usually does.

Please note I am not trying to devalue the experience of other people who identify as non-binary/androgyne, or to devalue those identities in themselves; just sharing some of my thoughts cuz it helps and maybe some of you will relate or find it useful in some way.

saint x

[Padma]

Good for you, keep things permeable .

It's fascinating, isn't it, how tricky it can be to separate self from cultural conditioning - like looking at light through a prism, and agreeing where "red" ends and "orange" begins, and all that.

I find myself yoyo-ing between seeing myself more as androgyne (but female in form - or I will be!) on the one hand, and woman but not feminine on the other - and then realising it's still a cultural imposition to assume those are the only available options. we keep having to imagine ourselves against a cultural backdrop that's not very analogue, that wants us to click into digital slots.

Being ourselves may take some explaining from time to time, but there's no need for us to be wedded to a particular label.

[Glubert]

I think we would be better off as a species if the idea of gender had never been conceptualized. All it does is alienate people who are reluctant to pick and feel they would be demonized for choosing both.

[justmeinoz]

The march of the Gender Dissidents is unstoppable!  Solidarity Rules!! Down with the USSRGender Order!!

[Padma]

We are the agenda-benders .

[foosnark]

I feel much the same, though not exactly. 

Thinking about rejecting the social order of gender is what led me to also consider myself agendered as well as nonbinary.  As in, "I'm not gendered; society is."

But I still have these peacefully coexisting factions that insist on femininity (not womanhood) or manhood (not masculinity), jumbled together.  So I am gendered after all, but not in an easily definable way or one that is well served by external definitions of gender.

[saint]

I think we would be better off as a species if the idea of gender had never been conceptualized.

Hear Hear! 

Being ourselves may take some explaining from time to time, but there's no need for us to be wedded to a particular label.

True!  At times since identifying as non-binary I have caught myself forcing into a more androgynous presentation to prove some kind of point to myself; even when I actually really want to be more traditionally male-presenting on that day!     Labels is best for tins I reckon.

But I still have these peacefully coexisting factions that insist on femininity (not womanhood) or manhood (not masculinity), jumbled together.  So I am gendered after all, but not in an easily definable way or one that is well served by external definitions of gender.

Yeah I can relate to that!

[Metroland]

That's a great post.  I feel that you are reaching a good place.  I have similar feelings to yours however unfortunately I am not happy with my male body.  For some reason I don't relate to it a lot.  This causes me a lot of stress and I don't know how to deal with these physical issues.

It is great that you have reached a place where you are making good sense of things.

How do you feel now that you feel that you have reached this point?  Where do you go from here?  Do you keep on visiting androgyne forums such as this one?  Or is it that gender now just as insignificant as any other attribute such as emotion or eye colour?

[saint]

That's a great post.  I feel that you are reaching a good place.  I have similar feelings to yours however unfortunately I am not happy with my male body.  For some reason I don't relate to it a lot.  This causes me a lot of stress and I don't know how to deal with these physical issues.

It is great that you have reached a place where you are making good sense of things.

How do you feel now that you feel that you have reached this point?  Where do you go from here?  Do you keep on visiting androgyne forums such as this one?  Or is it that gender now just as insignificant as any other attribute such as emotion or eye colour?

Hi Metroland, yes things make more sense to me than they have done.  Although I still battle loads with self acceptance, and with giving myself permission to dress and express how I feel.  I plan to still hang around places such as here as I believe I still share a lot of experiences with others here, I just feel that the non-binary label is not as useful to me as it once was.  I also want to really own my experience of being socialised as male, and having a male body, and how those social constructs have limited and damaged me (as well as giving me privelige).  I guess I want to identify as male at the same time as completely transcending that label   (god that sounds pretentious, I dunno how else to say it though really!)

I have had issues with feeling dissociated in the past, what has really helped me feel IN my body is meditation and especially 5rhythms dance meditation.  Basically, mostly freeform expressive dance classes focusing on your own experience of your body and emotions.  You don't need any dance skills or anything to take part.  It is amazing stuff, really powerful and I think anyone would benefit from it but it is particularly helpful for issues around the body.  PM me if you (or anyone else) are interested, other wise I will rant on here about it for ages

http://www.gabrielleroth.com/