Lost without direction

[Pretend]

Before I get on topic I would like to say a few things.  First off, this is mainly a rant/ramble (I think) and I am not expecting many responses.  Secondly, to those that actually read this I would like to thank you for your time.  Finally, forgive me if this is in the wrong area.  I couldn't find a place for confused babbling.

Before I wander too far off topic I will start.

I have posted at these forums before.  Yes, it was just a hurried intro post but I have.  I don't think I've made any progress since then.  Well, maybe a little.  I'm not freaking out as I post this.  If anything I think I've gotten more confused.

As I said before, I used to love dressing.  It was kind of  release.  I could act how I wanted, move how I wanted, be who I wanted.  Over the last couple weeks I started thinking though... was that really it?  I did get a slight bit of sexual arousement out of it when I first started and the idea still arouses me in a way.  What part of it arouses me though?  Sometimes I think that it's just a fantasy aspect, I've always loved the taboo.  Other times though I can recollect feelings then and I can manage to delve deeper into my current desires and I just don't know.  I remember the feel of the clothes against my skin the first while and how amazing it felt.  I remember that after I got over the sensual I was so comfortable, not the clothes... it was when I looked in the mirror.  I may never have been passable, and may never be... but the woman that stared back at me was my Shallow Hal (you know, ugly as sin but still beautiful.)  I always found myself wanting more to make me more feminen; breasts, a butt, makeup, smoothness, etc.  I would be a woman for the day but only in the confines of my closed up apartment and it was so amazing.

I dispise my body.  I can't tell why though.  I don't know if it's because I am 5'6" with small everything and a curse to always have man boobs and fight the gut or something else.  I've never hated my penis (well, not just because it's a penis I don't think) but I frequently fantasize about having a vagina.  What it would feel like, how great it would be.  Whhen I think about sex I have no desire to be in charge.  I want to be the submissive (not BDSM submissive in this use of the word) receiver of it.  I often fantasize about somebody treating me like a woman in bed and had it happen once in a foray of mine and it was amazing.  But therein lies more confusion, I am attracted to attraction.  I find men and women attractive and even pre-operative transgender people.  Problem is that the fact that I find men attractive disgusts me.  The fact that I am aroused by the sex-labeled "->-bleeped-<-s" disgusts me.  But I still am.  Is this fear of disgrace or genuine disgust? 

I can't say that I act dominately female normally though some things I have to focus not to.  I have interests in many predominately male activities like sports, hunting, fishing, etc. but also enjoy predominately female activities.  I have been told numerous times that I do certain things like I am gay or a woman even though I don't see it.

For as long as I can remember I have fantasized about, in one way or another, becoming a woman but I have also strived to be masculine (pretty hard to visually put off the persona when you're small and cursed to forever be small.)  Doesn't help that apparently I am a "pretty boy."  I never realized that caring about how you looked was a bad thing.  I will say this though, I was blessed with some amazing hair.  I sometimes wonder if my fantasies factor in my lack of motivation in building muscle mass.  I do enjoy yoga and some other typically female exercises and not just because of the workout itself... I like the fact that they don't make me huge and, essentially, masculine.

Anyway, I realize that this post kind of lost direction and I apologize.  I had it all worked out in myhead but got sidetracked a few times.  I guess that's what happens whe you're doing it at work.  I know it probably makes no sense but it's hard to write something that makes sense when it doesn't in your head in the first place.  All I know is that I still haven't overcome my fear of talking to someone face to face but the fact I was calm and well composed here this time makes me kind of happy.

Thanks again to those tht read this.

[justmeinoz]

All I can suggest is finding an experienced Gender therapist to help you work through these issues.  Doing it yourself without outside info just causes you to go around in circles.

[JoanneB]

All those things flying through your head are not uncommon. Where you appear in the broad sprectrum of GID takes a lot of honest thought and hard emotional work to sort out. This is where a good gender therapist to talk to is a good place to start. The sooner you can fully understand and then accept youself the happier your life will be. If you've been lurking for a while you've already seen the many regrets over not doing or starting the process of understanding much earlier in their lives.

Oh yes, these conclusions are not etched in stone. We are talking people and emotions here. Both are fluid and can change over time as we grow.

[MadelineB]

Hi Pretend,
It sounds like you've made a good start at figuring yourself out. I recommend talking with a good therapist about some of your self-image issues. It sounds to me that like so many of us, you've absorbed a lot of negative messages in your life about gender, about sexuality, etc. There is nothing disgusting about being attracted to men, attracted to women, or attracted in particular to transmen or trans women, any more than there is anything disgusting about being masculine, feminine, mixed, or agender in one's expressions or one's identity. A lot of people have to overcome their own internalized homophobia, transphobia, and fear/self loathing regarding gender non-conformance before they can accept the beautiful truths about themselves and their feelings for other people.

By the way, I understand the context in which you used it, but "->-bleeped-<-" is pretty much always considered offensive so I would recommend learning better terms when referring to people or a type of people. It's ok to use when referring, in quotes, to a specific kind of porn or a specific transphobic image held by society, but it still can offend some folks who have been deeply hurt by it being used as part of harassment.

Anyways, Pretend, you are welcome here at Susans. There's no way for you to know, until you know, whether you will always be a male-identified crossdresser or may eventually decide on other ways to describe yourself and your life, but what you describe is pretty normal and nothing to be ashamed of, and you are welcome here just the way you are.

I hope you find answers, confidence, and better feelings about yourself.
Hugs,
Madeline

[Pretend]

Madeline,

I apologize if my choice of words offending anyone but it was chosen deliberately.  I hate the label (and many more used to describe many people) and if I were to follow this path then I very well maybe subject to said labeling and discrimination.  I think I have come to realize that the major influence of not talking is fear.  Fear of rejection, criticism, harassment, and discrimination.  Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if my wife had never come back.  I would have nobody to worry about hurting.

I definitely wish that I had been raised in a much more open family.  I got the old school everything is bad upbringing and it has taken years to fully erase what I have.

Anyway, thank you again to those that replied.  I think you all understand how much a little support and understanding can go. 

[JoanneB]

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
        Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

Sadly rejection, criticism, harrassment, etc. comes with the territory, especially if you feel that you need to go full-time. Only you can make that decision. There is no rule boog that says thou shall go full-time if you are trans. I've ben able to "deal" with my gender issues for over 40 years between distractions, diversions, and some denial, with the occassional few hours spent cross-dressed to get by... when life was running relatively smoothly. My wife was always aware of my needs and was mostly OK with it.

[MadelineB]

Madeline,

I apologize if my choice of words offending anyone but it was chosen deliberately.  I hate the label (and many more used to describe many people) and if I were to follow this path then I very well maybe subject to said labeling and discrimination.  I think I have come to realize that the major influence of not talking is fear.  Fear of rejection, criticism, harassment, and discrimination.  Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if my wife had never come back.  I would have nobody to worry about hurting.

I definitely wish that I had been raised in a much more open family.  I got the old school everything is bad upbringing and it has taken years to fully erase what I have.

Anyway, thank you again to those that replied.  I think you all understand how much a little support and understanding can go.

Thanks Pretend. I'm glad you are here and glad you are talking. Those of us raised in the old school understand how radical, and how liberating, talking freely at last can feel, and being understood... that is just golden.

[Pretend]

After a few days of thinking about everything in my head, everything that has been said here, and various other things around the web I am feeling slightly better... I think.

I think I have finally come to accept the fact that I need help figuring this out and I have done nothing but cause anguish and wasted time trying by myself.  I would love to go talk to somebody now.

Will I actually seek out the help I need?  Probably not any time soon.  However, it feels amazing not denying that I need help.

Sorry, I felt like sharing because I really do feel less strained in some ways and, with everything on my plate, every little bit helps.

[AbraCadabra]

No one other than yourself will know "direction" - NO ONE!

Listen to your gut-feeling - and LISTEN WELL.
All else shall follow... in due course.

Axx

[gennee]

Pretend, I've experienced many of the things you expressed. Figuring out and accepting who you ae goes a long in your self discovery. Therapy can help also.

I came out over seen years ago at age fifty-six. I'm now 64 and have never been happier. I began cross dressing but found that my feelings ran much deeper than clothing. Today I am a happy transgender woman. Embracing whatever came has been wonderful.

Pretend,you seems to be coming to terms with some things and that's great. Negativity from others and ourselves comes with the territory. I don't let that stop me from being Gennee. 

[JoanneB]

I think I have finally come to accept the fact that I need help figuring this out and I have done nothing but cause anguish and wasted time trying by myself.  I would love to go talk to somebody now.

Sorry, I felt like sharing because I really do feel less strained in some ways and, with everything on my plate, every little bit helps.

I spent probably a good 40+ years trying to figure this out; or totally avoiding it through distractions, diversions, and a touch of denials. When the excrement finally hit the air-handler for me I sought out support which came in the form of a TG group.

No matter how much I thought I knew was no comparison to being in room of other people just like me. By the end of that first meeting I knew I'd be back again next month, if only just to see if those feelings were still valid. By the end of that meeting I knew I needed to be there for many more to come.

Please, do not apologize for sharing! That is what this forum is intended for! You aren't the first to be feeling lost and confused. You aint goin to be the last. Most of us that have been there cannot stand to see someone needlessly suffer as we have and are glad to help any way we can

[Rising_Angel]

*hugs* I know what you're wrestling with, Pretend, I'm still just starting on the road to me, and though we don't have the same history, we have the same shadows looming over us.  I have, on quite a few occasions, felt like this was all just something I was telling myself to compensate for this or that, an easy defense why I was faltering with this or that.

When that happens, I close my eyes, and just think about me .... standing in front of a mirror on a perfect day (which for me is totally a cool northern fall morning).  As the sun comes in from the window beside me I look at myself, in the perfect clothes for me, with the perfect me in the mirror.

When I see me staring back at myself, I understand my path.  You can as well, regardless of the man or woman in the mirror.  The Buddha says, "You yourself, as much as anyone else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

I'll be here if you ever need to talk, cry, scream, vent, or (most importantly) laugh.

Joanne ... I have spoken with a lot of you here, and your words and encouragement have meant a lot to me, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't make an effort to go to groups as well.  My therapist encourages face to face encounters, I'm worried about the trip into the city (I have an allergy to city driving ... especially downtown dallas).  You said it helped you greatly ... would you say that it was the physical contact or the comfort of a peer group?

[JoanneB]

Joanne ... I have spoken with a lot of you here, and your words and encouragement have meant a lot to me, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't make an effort to go to groups as well.  My therapist encourages face to face encounters, I'm worried about the trip into the city (I have an allergy to city driving ... especially downtown dallas).  You said it helped you greatly ... would you say that it was the physical contact or the comfort of a peer group?

It is both physical as well as emotional comfort for me. Initially by far it was emotional comfort. I couldn't get over, during my long drive home, just how shocked to my roots I was being in that living room filled with so many incredible, brave, and strong people that I could only hope to emulate some day. Over a few months time as I felt more at ease more physical as they are really my only friends nearby. And that is 90 miles away!

However I am in a bit of unique social situation. I recently relocated to rural West Virginia from across the river from NYC. Beside the culture shock, the only acquaintances I have are coworkers, spread out over a 40+ mile radius. I tend to be a loner and living here exasperates it.

I now get some other face-face contact simply by being me, the real and true me. When I am out presenting as Joanne I actually have no problems at all talking to complete strangers as I go about my day. Getting to that point has taken time as well a few tears from two worlds colliding

[Pretend]

"When the excrement finally hit the air-handler"  Love that line!

It is amazing to know that there are people out there for me when most of the people I know in real life would just turn their backs.

I have learned so much in the short time that I've been frequenting these forums and, in it's own way, Susan's is its own support group.  I never would've gotten to the point I am I don't think without all of you amazing people.

I just feel odd sharing still.  Like I'm vying for attention or just a pitiful person.  I don't know, another thing I must overcome.  So much to do and, for once, so much time to do it.

I'm horrible at responding to some of these tjings so, thank you.  I read every one of your posts and I do take your words to heart... I just suck at this tupe of conversation.  lol