Having a hard time finding love...

[janisjoplin]

First I'd like to note that I am all female.

I've been wearing my hair quite short now for a year and I have totally adopted this androgynic apperance which has made me feel like I am no longer living a lie trying to be as femme as possible when I've always felt like I had this other side to me.

The problem is that I no longer get hit on by men, just women occastional but I am not interested in dating women. I can't seem to meet any men that I think would feel confortable with me being an androgyne.

Any & all help/suggesstions would be greatly appreciated.



Janis

[Emerald]

Dear Janis-
The question you need to ask yourself is: "What do I desire in a male partner?" Then dress accordingly.
Your appearance is currently attracting the unwanted attention of women.
Yes, clothing is a form of self-expression.
It is also a form of advertising for a mate.
Try a T-shirt and jeans for a casual, friendly look. Add a scarf or hat or something that is 'you'!
Be yourself, and smile at all the guys too! 
There are male Androgynes out there that would love to meet a female Androgyne.

Good luck!
-Emerald 

[Laurry]

Hi Janis...welcome to Susan's.

Love is hard enough to find when we don't fall outside of society's gender norms, and much more difficult to find when we do.

Your post confused me on a couple of points...it started out by saying you are "all female" but then later stated that you had adopted an "androgynic apperance which has made me feel like I am no longer living a lie trying to be as femme as possible when I've always felt like I had this other side to me."  My guess is that you are saying that you feel (gender-wise) as if you were both female and male (or possible neither male nor female), but that from an orientation point of view, you were attracted to men, is this right?  If not, then I'm missing something as "all female" and "other side to me" don't seem to match.

Since you stated that you are not interested in dating women, then the question would be, "what kind of man are you interested in dating?"  Big burly hairy macho guys? Small effeminate sensitive guys?  Big burly effeminate sensitive macho guys?  Or are you just looking for that special person to spend your life with, regardless of their outside appearance? 

Emerald is correct is suggesting that you dress according to the partner you are trying to attract.  You can still be true to yourself and express that "other side" while displaying your "mating plumage".  A man is still a man, whether he dresses in dirty jeans with holes and a ratty t-shirt or a 3 piece suit and tie, but his appearance will appeal to a completely different type of person.  Same with a woman.  She is still every bit as much of a woman whether she is dressed in sweat pants and t-shirt or a frilly uber-feminine skirt and blouse.  In the advertising (and dating) world, the packaging is very important.

All that said, no better advice has ever been given than "be yourself".  If you are comfortable with yourself, and open for others to approach you, then people will respond.  If the "vibes" you are sending are that you are troubled, unhappy or just plain strange, then people will respond to that too, but generally by avoiding you.  So, understand what you want and then act/dress accordingly.

Emerald was also right when she said there are "male" androgynes that would love to meet you.  You would just have to accept their need to express their "other side" too. 

......Laurie

[Kendall]

Hi Janis,
Yes I think knowing some major details, would help greatly help target then "weed out" what your looking for. I am no dating expert, but I will add some tips with or in addition to emerald's and laurie's. I will use the who, what, when, where, how questions method.

Who you are
1.) The "plumbing" your looking for is male, as you said. Your gender expression and identiy is androgynous, from what you wrote. A few more details such as social, political, and religious stances may also be important to you

What your attracted to and desire
2.) Your androgynic personality and gender is important in any relationship. You would have to look into defining what you would expect or desire; gender role, possibly family offspring wise, aggression vs submission. And what type of partner would fit you best.
3.) I think there are more bisexual/lesbian/gay persons then there are transgender, so having many is to be expected.
4.) I do believe for every personality/gender/orientation there is a type of person (maybe not in the same location) there is a good matching personality type.

When you are looking for someone
5.) The amount of time and chances that you take to meet someone can affect what your chances to meet someone are. If its seldom looking or trying, one would guess that by increasing your searching methods can help. Increase the number of opportunities and advertising, can help.

Where you meet or look
6.) I think finding Where the targets/candidates with such attributes as to be compatible to you are most numerous, is also important. Like the expression goes, "looking for love in all the wrong places." Hunt and find the "right places". Androgynous music (music stores, concerts, dance clubs), art (gallaries, classes), manga (bookstores or library), gothic, tg clubs and groups, college (more gender variant people likely to be public)
7.) The size of your town, city, and type of people that predominately live around you can help or hinder meeting others too. And finding, visiting, or communicating in additional places can help. (taking a trip to the city if live in rural area)

How you look for someone
8.) Similar likes/dislikes/hobbies/activities I think are also vital. So maybe developing or learning a new hobby, joining new social groups, or trying new things that are more likely to attract those you would enjoy can also help. (Take a class, spend some money on trying or going someplace, visit new places)
9.) And I think even enlisting Friends to be on the lookout for a type person that you would love to meet can help to. Telling them "I would love to meet a person that is ..X...Y...Z can help get you set up into something potentially fun and matching.

Well thats my dating and hunting advice. There are androynous boys/men/androgynes out there like emerald and laurie says, searching for likewise girls. Ones that would fit your personality, communication style, and partnership roles.

Although we cant advertise your details and help you find someone here (there are plenty of other sites for that) as per rule 14, we can give you some good advice, sympathy, and share similar experiences.

KK

[Wendy]

If the "vibes" you are sending are that you are troubled, unhappy or just plain strange, then people will respond to that too, but generally by avoiding you.  So, understand what you want and then act/dress accordingly.

Hi Janis,

Glad you posted.

Laurie's comments hit home.  You do not have to be dating to send people packing.

However you do need to look for someone you might find interesting and then you need to "smile" at that person.  If you like school or some hobby sign-up for those activities.  You now have an opportunity to talk with guys that have an interest in something that you like.  Many times that grows into a "date".

Good luck!

W