Question about going out as Myself...

[EmilyMI]

I struggle with this A LOT (it is major wall for me) I have only been out in public as 'Emily" only a few small times.  I know that for me to progress more into my transition I NEED to get the courage to just go out as myself.  I don't think I pass in public so I guess that is my biggest hurdle right now.   I am not saying that my goal right now is to be totally stealth because I know that is not a reality for me right now.  As I am out normally as a guy (sigh)  I don't get Ma'am'd at all, so that is frustrating for me so it makes me question my overall pass-ability. What have you done to over time this fear?  Thank You.

-Emily

[MariaMx]

Hi EmilyMI

What I did was to introduce my new self one small step at a time. I didn't go all out at once because I felt I wouldn't be able to pull it off both mentally and physically. The light-switch transition never made any sense to me. It's much easier to overcome the fear of one small thing at a time than do them all at once, and over time they will all come together to produce the full "Emily" without any awkwardness and anxiety. I started out dressing a little more androgyny, took better care of my skin, grew my hair, some very subtle makeup. After about 6 months of baby steps I presented in a way I could only have dreamed of when I first started out and I felt completely comfortable with it.

[EmilyMI]

Hi EmilyMI

What I did was to introduce my new self one small step at a time. I didn't go all out at once because I felt I wouldn't be able to pull it off both mentally and physically. The light-switch transition never made any sense to me. It's much easier to overcome the fear of one small thing at a time than do them all at once, and over time they will all come together to produce the full "Emily" without any awkwardness and anxiety. I started out dressing a little more androgyny, took better care of my skin, grew my hair, some very subtle makeup. After about 6 months of baby steps I presented in a way I could only have dreamed of when I first started out and I felt completely comfortable with it.

My hair is pretty long actually (past my shoulders) so that helps, my skin I REALLY need to do more with though.  I have always had bad skin (dry, cracked looking) and I have been doing a lot to work more with that to help keep my skin better looking.  I am using Mary Kay products right now for Moisturizing, and skin repair but so far it is not helping that much honestly.  I had laser resurfacing done as well to help with my over all complexion; which did help but I think I have a long ways to go still before I have skin that I can be proud of. 

[Beverly]

I took much the same approach as MariaMx, starting with longer hair, then clear polish on my nails, then pale pink polish, then neater eyebrows, then a switch to ladies jeans, etc, etc, all over a period 6 to 12 months.

My biggest boost was when I realized that I no longer cared what other people thought about me and that for most people, most of the time, I would never ever see them again. Their opinion of me was irrelevant so I could dress as I please. Once I had that figured out it all started getting easier and dark nail polish made an appearance. So did make up. Ear piercing was soooo good as was starting to wear a bracelet and a necklace. Perfume is a nuisance until you find your own scent that suits you and then it is heavenly.

I love feeling lipstick on my lips and it helps moisturise them because I did not appreciate how much hormones would dry my skin out. Male skin is a lot more oily and sweaty than female skin. Moisturiser and exfoliating can make a huge difference to your skin quality as can laser hair removal or electrolysis.

Now, about 18 months after starting with painted toe nails I am fulltime and comfortable with it.

Just push a little bit each week/month and you get there eventually. It is not  a race after all.....

[MariaMx]

My hair is pretty long actually (past my shoulders) so that helps, my skin I REALLY need to do more with though.  I have always had bad skin (dry, cracked looking) and I have been doing a lot to work more with that to help keep my skin better looking.  I am using Mary Kay products right now for Moisturizing, and skin repair but so far it is not helping that much honestly.  I had laser resurfacing done as well to help with my over all complexion; which did help but I think I have a long ways to go still before I have skin that I can be proud of.

Well, I was only listing the things that I did. Which steps and what route you might take yourself is up to you to define. Alls I know is that going the whole distance in one huge step wouldn't have worked for me at all. Maybe if I had waited for hrt to do it's thing for a year or two it would have been doable, but I still think it would have been very tough to pull it off in one giant leap.

You don't really mention how far along you are in your transition. Getting to the point where you pass and blend may take quiet some time. It did not happen over night for me.

[MariaMx]

My biggest boost was when I realized that I no longer cared what other people thought about me and that for most people, most of the time, I would never ever see them again. Their opinion of me was irrelevant so I could dress as I please.

I totally agree with this. I remember how I once turned around and ran back home having only made it about 50 meters down the street, and I only looked gay at best. After a while I realized that other people weren't the problem, I was. I was the one that felt ashamed of myself. Unless one dresses up in a completely ridiculous getup others will likely not care or not even take notice. Once one is comfortable and carries oneself with confidence one is merely seen as any other person going about their daily life. It's all about getting to the comfort zone.

[Beverly]

I totally agree with this. I remember how I once turned around and ran back home having only made it about 50 meters down the street, and I only looked gay at best.

Once when I first dressed, I sat and looked out the window for nearly an hour, sprinted to the car, drove somewhere quiet and sat in the car terrified to get out . So I drove back home and was too scared to get out of the car and walk back to the house. I was convinced that I would stick out like a sore thumb and I was probably correct.

After a while I realized that other people weren't the problem, I was.

Bingo!

Unless one dresses up in a completely ridiculous getup others will likely not care or not even take notice. Once one is comfortable and carries oneself with confidence one is merely seen as any other person going about their daily life. It's all about getting to the comfort zone.

Yes. I will be going out shortly to a busy mall to get the food shopping and I will be wearing ankle boots, flared jeans, a size 12 blouse and a fine-knit cardigan. Necklace, earrings and a bracelet to complete the look and I am ony half-transitioned but I do not care.

[EmilyMI]

Well, I was only listing the things that I did. Which steps and what route you might take yourself is up to you to define. Alls I know is that going the whole distance in one huge step wouldn't have worked for me at all. Maybe if I had waited for hrt to do it's thing for a year or two it would have been doable, but I still think it would have been very tough to pull it off in one giant leap.

You don't really mention how far along you are in your transition. Getting to the point where you pass and blend may take quiet some time. It did not happen over night for me.

I have been on HRT for close to three years.  Honestly HRT has not done a lot for me; at least I do not think so. The only real noticeable change I have seen is with my breast growth.   I am seriously looking at FFS early next year; honestly though I wish HRT did a lot more for me then what it has done. 

[MariaMx]

I have been on HRT for close to three years.  Honestly HRT has not done a lot for me; at least I do not think so. The only real noticeable change I have seen is with my breast growth.   I am seriously looking at FFS early next year; honestly though I wish HRT did a lot more for me then what it has done.

Hmm, I don't know then. I had some bone-issues that hrt didn't take care of but had it sorted out with ffs. It's a bit hard to say where the hrt ended and the ffs began but I went from passing what seemed to me to be some of the time to people that knew me prior to transition thinking I was just a new cis-female friend whenever they would run into me (one even thought I was my own sister). I had only been on hrt for 16 months when I had ffs so I don't know if the bulk changes of hrt were all done. Either way, ffs was extremely effective, so that may very well be your solution.

[MariaMx]

Btw, behind you in your avatar picture, is that a Holmes HASF2120 Floor Fan?

[EmilyMI]

Hmm, I don't know then. I had some bone-issues that hrt didn't take care of but had it sorted out with ffs. It's a bit hard to say where the hrt ended and the ffs began but I went from passing what seemed to me to be some of the time to people that knew me prior to transition thinking I was just a new cis-female friend whenever they would run into me (one even thought I was my own sister). I had only been on hrt for 16 months when I had ffs so I don't know if the bulk changes of hrt were all done. Either way, ffs was extremely effective, so that may very well be your solution.

Honestly I think that is my solution right now for being able to pass successfully, if not being too personal but may I ask what FFS Doctor you want to? How was our experience? Pre/Post surgery? I already had my consultation with a few Doctors, so far I think that Di. DiMaggio is my best but I am still researching. 

Not sure about the fan behind me? The picture was taken at my friends cousins house.  Sorry

[MariaMx]

Honestly I think that is my solution right now for being able to pass successfully, if not being too personal but may I ask what FFS Doctor you want to? How was our experience? Pre/Post surgery? I already had my consultation with a few Doctors, so far I think that Di. DiMaggio is my best but I am still researching. 

I went to Suporn. The experience was great. It was my first surgery and the rush of a lifetime. Recovering from ffs was not bad at all pain wise. The operation lasted almost 11 hours so I was pretty out of it the first few days (migraines and vomiting mostly). As usual though the best part was being prepped in the OR. Recovering in the hotel for the next 3 weeks bored me to death. Luckily a friend of mine came all the way from Norway to Thailand to keep me company the second week of my recovery. We went to Pattaya where I ate crocodile meat and scarfed down Bacardi Breezers and Tramadol till I passed out in the hotel room. Good times

It's been almost 8 years since I had ffs and haven't paid much attention to the subject since so don't know much about the surgeons available these days. Back then there really just 3 who would do aggressive forehead bone work.

Not sure about the fan behind me? The picture was taken at my friends cousins house.  Sorry[/font]

Oh don't worry about it. I just assumed a lot of people ask you about the guitar and whether it is a Fender. I just thought I'd try to be different

[EmilyMI]

I went to Suporn. The experience was great. It was my first surgery and the rush of a lifetime. Recovering from ffs was not bad at all pain wise. The operation lasted almost 11 hours so I was pretty out of it the first few days (migraines and vomiting mostly). As usual though the best part was being prepped in the OR. Recovering in the hotel for the next 3 weeks bored me to death. Luckily a friend of mine came all the way from Norway to Thailand to keep me company the second week of my recovery. We went to Pattaya where I ate crocodile meat and scarfed down Bacardi Breezers and Tramadol till I passed out in the hotel room. Good times

It's been almost 8 years since I had ffs and haven't paid much attention to the subject since so don't know much about the surgeons available these days. Back then there really just 3 who would do aggressive forehead bone work.
Oh don't worry about it. I just assumed a lot of people ask you about the guitar and whether it is a Fender. I just thought I'd try to be different

Actually I am awaiting a FFS consultation from Dr. Suporn still, I had to fill out some health information and also sent him some PICS so hopefully within the next week or so I will get something back form him? He seemed optimistic about the results initially but will wait to see what I am needing? From Dr. DiMaggio I need a full FFS so I am sure that the estimate from Dr. Suporn will be pretty similar? 

I had a few people ask about the guitar, asking about what I like to play and what not.  I WISH I can play, but I am so musically 'challenged' that I don't see me playing guitar anytime soon.  So yes nice change up about asking about the fan! 

P.S. You look stunning in your picture, very feminine and naturally looking. 

[MariaMx]

Actually I am awaiting a FFS consultation from Dr. DiMaggio still, I had to fill out some health information and also sent him some PICS so hopefully within the next week or so I will get something back form him? He seemed optimistic about the results initially but will wait to see what I am needing? From Dr. DiMaggio I need a full FFS so I am sure that the estimate from Dr. Suporn will be pretty similar? 

I'm not familiar with Dr. DiMaggio and don't know what Suporn's rates are these days so I really can't say.

P.S. You look stunning in your picture, very feminine and naturally looking.  [/font]

Thank you. (The picture is old and purposely obfuscated so I do look a bit different in real life)

[Arike]

Back to question at the topic start

Quite an interesting question, Emily

After a lot of thought ... How did I do it? I realized, I just did

I went shopping in the largest malls of the major cities near by and I tried to care as less as possible regarding my appearance. And that worked for me.

[EmilyMI]

Back to question at the topic start

Quite an interesting question, Emily

After a lot of thought ... How did I do it? I realized, I just did

I went shopping in the largest malls of the major cities near by and I tried to care as less as possible regarding my appearance. And that worked for me.

So pretty much use that famous Nike saying "Just do it" 

[JennX]

So pretty much use that famous Nike saying "Just do it" 

This. I was going to post "just do it" but someone already beat me to it. There's only so much HRT, FFS, etc will do to change your appearance. It won't give you the courage or impetus to leave the house and present yourself how you like to the world. Too many people rely on these and other measures, but when the rubber hits the road, it's down to you getting out there and and simply living.

[JoanneB]

From your pic I cannot see what problem you have going out and passing.

If it is an issue of nerves, that I can totally relate to. I first started going out to my therapist presenting as female. Well, not exactly my first, 30 years earlier I also considered transitioning. From there it was a short trip to be anonymous in a mall. Later it was going into stores and actually shopping. From there more pedestrian outings.

I had to muster up a LOT of courage the first few times and was hyper vigilant. After a while I began to relax. Even at 6ft tall nobody was paying attention to me. In other words, I was just like any other woman 

[Reagan]

Hey Emily

I just wanted to chime in here. I wanted to tell you how I started and maybe this can help. I started meeting some trans girls here locally all at varying stages of transition. Some who where just coming out as I was and some girls who have been out for a very long time. I found that being around girls who have been there done that have been able to help me and give me tips and just give me that confidence that I needed.

I remember the very first time I ever went out presenting as a woman. God I was so nervous. I thought the whole world was looking at me and could tell, but after awhile you get less and less nervous and self conscious. I remember the fist thing when I got out of the car was this guy and his wife walked up to me and my friends and asked me for directions. I freaked I didn't know what to do. He had no idea but his wife totally clocked me.Probably because she saw the panic look on my face. Looking back it's quite amusing. I just took a deep breath and gave him directions and he thanked me and went about his business.

It takes practice and patience and after a while you really don't care who is looking at you. I would suggest going some places that are more progressive at first. Places where you would fit in no matter how you present. Just to get the hang of it. Also go and hangout with friends if you can. They will help take your mind off the obvious. It helps really.

I want to say something that I hope doesn't come off the wrong way. I have been able to present and be pretty much passable from day one. The more and more I transition the better I get at it. That being said I get looked at a lot and some times people(well men) stare at women and this can give you a false complex. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you dress to blend in, you blend in. For me I'm very stylish and love to dress very nice. Sometimes this works to my disadvantage. People like to look at pretty women. BTW you look fabulous. Try not to be very hard on yourself. If you lived near me I would totally hang out with ya.

[Arike]

From your pic I cannot see what problem you have going out and passing.

(...)

Even at 6ft tall nobody was paying attention to me. In other words, I was just like any other woman 

6ft isn't that tall, even wearing 3" heels I don't get any unusual attention.

And indeed, Emily, you really have good looks, so don't worry!