My Mom is Driving Me Crazy and I Could Use some Advice

[SarahM777]

Setting the scenario,I live with my mom and I am the primary caregiver and I have no one else at this point to help. She doesn't drive,can still get around fairly well,my problem I can't get away from her. She doesn't want to leave the house unless I take her and she doesn't like having people over. I would be more than willing to take her to one of her friends house for the day,if she would be willing to do so,but she doesn't want to. It just makes it really hard for me to try to have some sort of life outside the home. I am open to any suggestions because I am at a stalemate and I just can't see the next step.

[Shantel]

Aging parents can become a real burden, and though you love them they seem to morph into a huge pain-in-the-butt because they become so childish and emotionally dependent. You haven't told us her age or whether she's sick, healthy, physically or mentally incapacitated or what? Are you the only family member she can count on or do you have siblings that need to become involved?

[SarahM777]

Aging parents can become a real burden, and though you love them they seem to morph into a huge pain-in-the-butt because they become so childish and emotionally dependent. You haven't told us her age or whether she's sick, healthy, physically or mentally incapacitated or what? Are you the only family member she can count on or do you have siblings that need to become involved?

Your right I should have given more information.

I've been doing this for almost 5 years so far,going back to when my father got really bad,he was a royal pain in the behind to deal with. He could not stand me. I do realize that is a factor because I still have not recovered from that even though he passed on over 2 years ago.

She just turned 79 this past month,she has high blood pressure,is over weight,and is blind in one eye,and does have some knee problems. She's not sick at this point,but she is walking a whole lot slower,to let her keep up I find I have to almost come to a very very slow pace,and even then she can't keep up with me. Mentally I see her slowly starting to become more forgetful,right now it's not too bad,I just have to double check some things.

What complicates things is this,I work at home,but to keep her active she also helps with my work,I just let her work on what she wants to do so it keeps her busy. The problem comes in that we are both in the same room because that is where the computers are and where most of the work is done. In the winter we spend 12-14 hours a day in the very same rooms.

Out of my four surviving siblings three want nothing to do with her and are to far away. My other brother if he would get his bony rear over it would help,but him and my mom are in a bit of a snit with each other and will not work it out. He has offered to take her out but she comes up with excuses as to why she doesn't want to go out. With him helping out it may become a moot point as he is looking for work elsewhere.

As far as her going out or having friends over has been that way as long as I can remember,we weren't allowed to have friends over and my parents didn't either,and we went on vacation we went to the same place year after year after year,which was my father's parents cabin and we stayed in the pop up camper. It is not going to be easy trying to change things but even if it;s a little thing it couldn't hurt.

[Brooke777]

My mother takes care of her mother. After a few years, my mom finally hired someone to come by a few days a week and take care of my grandmother. For the first few months my mom had to be there because my grandma would freak out about having a "stranger" around. Now it has been a few years since the caretaker was hired, and my grandmother pretty much considers her family. It might be worth a try, and if your mom does not have a lot of medical issues (which from your description is the case), you don't even need to hire a nurse. It can be anyone who you think could handle your mom.

[Shantel]

What complicates things is this,I work at home,but to keep her active she also helps with my work,I just let her work on what she wants to do so it keeps her busy. The problem comes in that we are both in the same room because that is where the computers are and where most of the work is done. In the winter we spend 12-14 hours a day in the very same rooms.

That sort of situation is more than most people could bear. I know of marriages and partnerships that have dissolved over one or the other working out of the home!

Out of my four surviving siblings three want nothing to do with her and are to far away. My other brother if he would get his bony rear over it would help,but him and my mom are in a bit of a snit with each other and will not work it out. He has offered to take her out but she comes up with excuses as to why she doesn't want to go out. With him helping out it may become a moot point as he is looking for work elsewhere.

You need to put the onus on them to come up with a plan of how they will divide up the expense of getting some adult day care outside the home for your mother. They are taking unfair advantage of you, after all shouldn't you have some quality of personal life too? Don't be a wuss about it either, because these people are dumping all over you. I've seen this happen before and it's usually the youngest female who gets stuck with the whole ball of wax and it's not fair. You're going to have to get really assertive and don't take any excuses for an answer.

[SarahM777]

That sort of situation is more than most people could bear. I know of marriages and partnerships that have dissolved over one or the other working out of the home!

You need to put the onus on them to come up with a plan of how they will divide up the expense of getting some adult day care outside the home for your mother. They are taking unfair advantage of you, after all shouldn't you have some quality of personal life too? Don't be a wuss about it either, because these people are dumping all over you. I've seen this happen before and it's usually the youngest female who gets stuck with the whole ball of wax and it's not fair. You're going to have to get really assertive and don't take any excuses for an answer.

I'm the oldest. 

They want nothing to do with mom and even less with me. Every single one of them is flat broke but have all the toys,but no assets at all. One wants to have everyone else provide for her,and doesn't want to work,(she's not married). For all I know two of them could be dead. If I could afford to do it myself it wouldn't be a problem. Business has been so bad I can barely squeeze $10
a week out for fun,for an outing for about an hour with one of my friends. I can leave her for a few hours,that's not a problem,during the day,it's just during the evening and at night. The last times i have been able to go without the parents,last movie I saw in the Theatre was "The Return of the King", in the last 5 years I have been able to go to two concerts,two years ago it was Third Day and last year was Casting Crowns. Each of those two breaks gave me enough to go the entire year. Outside of that NADA. All I need to figure out is a some way of getting just enough of a break to recharge the batteries. I don't need much.
a few time breaks

[Incarnadine]

Is your church able to get involved and help?

[Amazon D]

Yepper i i know all about it.. Been taking care of my mom since 2006 and finally in 2010 i saved up enough to buy my farm and my 6 siblings let me take her there because they didn't want her. She still goes to the door at 89 and yells out for me and i have to stop what i am doing and answer her. She does help financially so that helps me to afford to get things done here. Thankfully she has lost her memory and so she thinks she has always lived here. I call her hillbilly helen.

Can you move or sell etc etc

OH for 2006 to 2008 i got involved in politics (Obama) when i use to live at her retirement home, which my sister rents out to a friend of hers, now.

damn i am glad to be in the country..

Hey at least you have a bathroom i use chamber pots here so far.. but next yr i will build that bathroom yeaaa

[Amazon D]

LOTS of us TS take care of our parents.. maybe there is another TS sister or brother nearby to trade off on the help..

[SarahM777]

Is your church able to get involved and help?

All of her friends are they maybe I can broach the subject about maybe involving her outside the house.

[SarahM777]

Yepper i i know all about it.. Been taking care of my mom since 2006 and finally in 2010 i saved up enough to buy my farm and my 6 siblings let me take her there because they didn't want her. She still goes to the door at 89 and yells out for me and i have to stop what i am doing and answer her. She does help financially so that helps me to afford to get things done here. Thankfully she has lost her memory and so she thinks she has always lived here. I call her hillbilly helen.

Can you move or sell etc etc

OH for 2006 to 2008 i got involved in politics (Obama) when i use to live at her retirement home, which my sister rents out to a friend of hers, now.

damn i am glad to be in the country..

Hey at least you have a bathroom i use chamber pots here so far.. but next yr i will build that bathroom yeaaa

Doesn't it feel kind of weird speaking of coming from large families these days?

Mom does something similar,she will be working on something and will call me over,and I have to drop what I am doing only to find out she wants to ask my opinion about a $2 item. (Mom you are asking me about a$2 item,could you just please deal with it,I really don't need to know every detail)
The crazy part is that will be the one thing I will miss about her.

Moving or selling the house will have to be her idea and right now she is OK here. I just have to get the rest of the basement,garage and yard cleaned up. And I am kind of hoping that she doesn't want to for a while as I would like to put in little larger garden and more berries.

I would prefer being a bit further into the country than where I am at. But still three+ acres is hard enough to take care of at this point.

One of the blessing of indoor plumbing. One of the disadvantages to an outhouse and chamber pots. I know you are quite capable of finishing that bathroom.

[SarahM777]

LOTS of us TS take care of our parents.. maybe there is another TS sister or brother nearby to trade off on the help..

I don't know of any TS sister or brother near here 

[Amazon D]

Doesn't it feel kind of weird speaking of coming from large families these days?

Mom does something similar,she will be working on something and will call me over,and I have to drop what I am doing only to find out she wants to ask my opinion about a $2 item. (Mom you are asking me about a$2 item,could you just please deal with it,I really don't need to know every detail)
The crazy part is that will be the one thing I will miss about her.

Moving or selling the house will have to be her idea and right now she is OK here. I just have to get the rest of the basement,garage and yard cleaned up. And I am kind of hoping that she doesn't want to for a while as I would like to put in little larger garden and more berries.

I would prefer being a bit further into the country than where I am at. But still three+ acres is hard enough to take care of at this point.

One of the blessing of indoor plumbing. One of the disadvantages to an outhouse and chamber pots. I know you are quite capable of finishing that bathroom.

The problem with a bathroom is i have to have a septic system for the poo and pee to go to    

That can cost a fortune but i think i have that solved with this flat i made with 12 dump truck loads of soil i had hauled in. The septic inspector will be told i put it in 2 yrs ago and that might be good enough for him and then the addition has to have an inspector and a building permit.. everything else didn't.. Plus there is the added taxes i will have to pay damn.. mine is just below 600.00 a yr too

[Amazon D]

I don't know of any TS sister or brother near here 

where are you?   there has to be lots near you

[SarahM777]

The problem with a bathroom is i have to have a septic system for the poo and pee to go to    

That can cost a fortune but i think i have that solved with this flat i made with 12 dump truck loads of soil i had hauled in. The septic inspector will be told i put it in 2 yrs ago and that might be good enough for him and then the addition has to have an inspector and a building permit.. everything else didn't.. Plus there is the added taxes i will have to pay damn.. mine is just below 600.00 a yr too

Plus the added expense to have the septic tank pumped out. Most of the people here have to pump them out every other year but because of the age of the house we don't have to and with two people that only do 3 loads of laundry every week and half  it doesn't fill up very fast.  The property taxes here are 3,600 a year. (One of the down sides to living in WI)

[SarahM777]

I am about midway between Madison and Milwaukee,WI. So about an hour or so drive each way and I have a harder time driving at night near the city because of the headlights. And with the home life the past few years just haven't had much time for myself.

[Shantel]

Gee Sarah, wish I had some viable answers for you dear! I think the Amazon's idea of checking out the local church for a few volunteers to watch mom for awhile each week so you can take a break might be your best bet.

Amazon, perhaps you can cultivate a friend with a backhoe and get a ditch and a hole dug for starters. Bet there are some good hearted types that would give you a hand with it. I dug out 28 cubic yards of hardpan with two five gallon buckets, a pick and shovel and small rototiller over a two year period and now have a beautiful 6000 gallon Koi pond along with a 4000 gph pump and waterfall. It takes a little money scrapped together and a lot of sweat and determination. Hope to hear about your completed septic system eventually! BTW - Met an old engineer who says that when the septic stops perking, put a small amount of very lean meat in the shed somewhere to rot and when it's good and nasty flush it down the toilet, he claims it beats all the store bought remedies.

[SarahM777]

Gee Sarah, wish I had some viable answers for you dear! I think the Amazon's idea of checking out the local church for a few volunteers to watch mom for awhile each week so you can take a break might be your best bet.

I am going to talk to a couple of her friends and maybe they may just be willing to take her out for a bit,it can't hurt. I just hadn't thought of it before so...