As I recover from my implosion, I've been thinking long and hard about some things. I thought I'd share some of that here.
Have you ever seen that episode of Friends with Freddy Prinze Jr.? He played Emma's manny, Sandy. I remember watching that episode and thinking he could go a couple of different ways. Maybe he's just a soft guy, maybe he's an androgynous male, or maybe he's an androgyne or genderqueer. If I asked him what he is (please ignore the rude factor there) and he said he was one of those three, I would have just been "oh, OK". I wouldn't have even had a doubt to consider whether I should express or not.
And that has me thinking. From the outside, they're so similar you really can't tell. So you really have to go with the inside to "pick one". But how do you pick one? Let's switch gears a moment.
Politically, I'm more in the Democrat/liberal/left camp. I don't feel comfortable calling myself a Democrat since there's just enough of a difference that I'd be saying "yeah, but". Even liberal feels a little off. Given the choice of calling myself a Democrat, liberal or "person on the left", I'd happily go with "person on the left". It's understood that there's a difference, however slight, between the three, so I'd be comfortable with my choice.
Can it be that my choice of identity is also a simple matter of internal comfort being the deciding factor in choosing between three identities that look similar from the outside? I guess I keep looking for delineations between the three. Maybe the difference is more subtle, more ephemeral? Can it really be as simple as knowing which one feels the most comfortable, makes me hedge the least if at all?
I know I'm still trying to find the "right" answer. Unfortunately that still means choosing the answer that other people think is the correct one so I'm not wrong. Wrong means I have a different answer. OK, let's be honest. Wrong means I have a different opinion.
Maybe I can't find the answer if I'm looking for an answer. Answers are correct, incorrect, or partially incorrect. (No, I haven't forgotten about partially correct. In a case like this, partially correct doesn't exist. Partially correct is correctly called partially incorrect.) So rather than an answer, maybe I'm looking for an opinion. Opinions just are. Answers are immutable; opinions can always be changed or altered without reproach or repercussion. An opinion isn't a soft-pedalled answer presented to avoid being told you're wrong. An opinion is a view of certain facts. An answer is a fact that dovetails with certain presented facts. An answer is delineated; an opinion is felt based on certain facts.
(Sorry for going off on a tangent there. That line of thought came to me as I was typing, and I followed it. I was thinking out loud just there.)
I know (opinion) I'm not a soft guy because I'd have to hedge that answer to make room for certain thoughts and desires (facts). So that seems (opinion) to leave me with androgynous male and male-bodied androgyne. Which one feels more comfortable?
Unless I'm full of crap and just trying to make myself feel better about coming up with the right answer. (Bad small voice. Go to your room.

)