Is it simply a matter of your comfortability?

[Casey]

As I recover from my implosion, I've been thinking long and hard about some things. I thought I'd share some of that here.

Have you ever seen that episode of Friends with Freddy Prinze Jr.? He played Emma's manny, Sandy. I remember watching that episode and thinking he could go a couple of different ways. Maybe he's just a soft guy, maybe he's an androgynous male, or maybe he's an androgyne or genderqueer. If I asked him what he is (please ignore the rude factor there) and he said he was one of those three, I would have just been "oh, OK". I wouldn't have even had a doubt to consider whether I should express or not.

And that has me thinking. From the outside, they're so similar you really can't tell. So you really have to go with the inside to "pick one". But how do you pick one? Let's switch gears a moment.

Politically, I'm more in the Democrat/liberal/left camp. I don't feel comfortable calling myself a Democrat since there's just enough of a difference that I'd be saying "yeah, but". Even liberal feels a little off. Given the choice of calling myself a Democrat, liberal or "person on the left", I'd happily go with "person on the left". It's understood that there's a difference, however slight, between the three, so I'd be comfortable with my choice.

Can it be that my choice of identity is also a simple matter of internal comfort being the deciding factor in choosing between three identities that look similar from the outside? I guess I keep looking for delineations between the three. Maybe the difference is more subtle, more ephemeral? Can it really be as simple as knowing which one feels the most comfortable, makes me hedge the least if at all?

I know I'm still trying to find the "right" answer. Unfortunately that still means choosing the answer that other people think is the correct one so I'm not wrong. Wrong means I have a different answer. OK, let's be honest. Wrong means I have a different opinion.

Maybe I can't find the answer if I'm looking for an answer. Answers are correct, incorrect, or partially incorrect. (No, I haven't forgotten about partially correct. In a case like this, partially correct doesn't exist. Partially correct is correctly called partially incorrect.) So rather than an answer, maybe I'm looking for an opinion. Opinions just are. Answers are immutable; opinions can always be changed or altered without reproach or repercussion. An opinion isn't a soft-pedalled answer presented to avoid being told you're wrong. An opinion is a view of certain facts. An answer is a fact that dovetails with certain presented facts. An answer is delineated; an opinion is felt based on certain facts.

(Sorry for going off on a tangent there. That line of thought came to me as I was typing, and I followed it. I was thinking out loud just there.)

I know (opinion) I'm not a soft guy because I'd have to hedge that answer to make room for certain thoughts and desires (facts). So that seems (opinion) to leave me with androgynous male and male-bodied androgyne. Which one feels more comfortable?

Unless I'm full of crap and just trying to make myself feel better about coming up with the right answer. (Bad small voice. Go to your room. )

[shawnael]

First off, I'm going to get the "You don't need a label, just be yourself," answer out of the way. Now we can move on.

If your confusion is your actual feelings about these labels, then you need some thought-time with someone who is on the same page as you. There is no right or wrong answer, because you are always free to change your mind. Think of it like trying on clothes. You see a few styles you think you like, but aren't sure. So you try one style out. At first it feels ok, but after a while, you realise it's just not the style for you. So you try out another style, and this one feels way better than the first. You don't have to "pick one" immediately. Just see where your comfort zone is.

I was confused about how to define myself at first because I wasn't sure what the labels entailed (which may be your confusion, I can't tell by your set-up). Now I'm fine with being able to say that I am bi-gender. I think that you're going to find different definitions with everyone you talk to. If that's the case, only you can decide what to call yourself. Hell, make up a new name for it. Like splunge. Splunge just about covers everything.

[Intertween]

Could it be a matter of how much you identify with the gender itself, Casey?

In my case, I think I'd say I'm a female-born androgyne rather than androgynous female because the latter emphasizes female more than I'd like. If society or the media were to portray something female, chances are I would not see myself in it. (And if they were to portray something male, chances are I would not see myself in it.) I don't find in myself the traits of female (or male) generally presented by society. So I try to stay away from terms that imply femaleness (or maleness).

-- Sue

[Pica Pica]

First of all, I got to say that i love your definition odf opinion, that an opinion is a solid thing, at least based on the facts and not some airy whimsy. It is nice to hear that said. So that being said, here is my opinion.

The difference between an androgynous male and a male adrogyne seem to be that an androgynous male (from the inside) is a male and (from the outside) a male with heavily female characteristics. The samle could be said of a tom boy or a soft male.  A male androgyne on the otherhand is neither male or female, or both male and female, or male and female (from the inside) and a male (from the outside). So I suppose you can get get masculine adrogynes, or appear to be mostly man, but feel a much closer dynamic inside them. I suppose as well there are androgynous adrogynes, who both appear and feel ...erm... androgynous.

That would mean your answer about yourself would be based on certain 'facts'. The fact of how you appeared to the outside, and the fact of what you see inside. I would say I am a slightly feminine male adrogyne, at least this evening I would.