Stealth Question

[BeverlyAnn]

I have a friend, or as it appears now had a friend, with whom I spent many hours talking on the phone and in person before her surgery.  We're talking run the battery down on your cell phone type of hours.  And I don't mean chatting about the weather, I mean talking about how her ex-wife had said something nasty that made her cry, how she lost a business with a low six figure income, life in general, etc.  Since her surgery over a year ago, I've talked to her once right after she returned and I saw her last fall for a few seconds but it was as if she couldn't get away from me fast enough.  The last couple of times that I've tried to call her, she hasn't answered her phone (she doesn't work) and after I leave a message, it's her partner that calls me back.  About three weeks ago, I called her to let her know some very important information and same thing, her partner returned the call.  However this time, there were some things her partner said while we were talking that made me think that she really didn't want to talk to me, that she is cutting off all contact with anyone she knew in the past. 

Now I understand the desire in people to go stealth in their lives after surgery but isn't refusing to even talk to someone on the phone going a little far?  It kind of makes me feel like the wrapper on a quarter pounder.  After you get all the goody out of it, you just wad it up and throw it in the trash.

A very disappointed,
Beverly

[Sarah Louise]

It is a shame when that happens.  You shouldn't treat friends like that.

Sarah L.

[Melissa]

Yeah, at least giving an explanation would have been the considerate thing to do.  I can see myself going stealth in the future, but that won't be until I feel I could really blend into society well.  It may or may not include FFS and a BA as prerequisites, but I'll know when I am there.  When I do, I will at least give an explanation to my friends who have been there for me.

[katia]

stealth = witness protection program on my book.  no contact with your [past] life at all.  i can perfectly relate to your acquaintance, yet im saddened for the [loss of your friend]. 

[seldom]

stealth = witness protection program on my book.  no contact with your [past] life at all.  i can perfectly relate to your acquaintance, yet im saddened for the [loss of your friend]. 

That is deep stealth.

A bit different than just stealth.  Stealth itself does not necessarily mean breaking all past ties. 

[Wendy]

Beverly,

Sometimes when you are real sad you go "stealth" because you do not want to talk to anyone.

You can ask the "partner" if you old friend is O.K.

W

[jeri]

IMHO, that kind of "stealth" is just rude. if you turn your back on a friend, you aren't one. i think of myself first as a woman, actually a rather average woman. i suppose one analogy might be an apple is after all an apple. but there are different kinds of apples, too. let's just say that transsexual women are like macintosh apples, all red and pretty. do i want to forget that i am a macintosh, too? i will be, no matter how much i try to tell myself i am not - that instead i am just the plain old green variety instead. the whole concept is soooo sad. it is denying your entire life. i understand trying to forget the pain that you are finally able to leave behind, but should you also try to forget the good? i just don't think it is wise.

i spent the first part of my life in denial, lying to myself and to others, and playing the role of a man. i don't want to spend the rest of my life living another lie, and pretending and making up a past that never existed. the whole idea of transition was to become whole, so that i could be honest. i don't believe that being a transsexual woman is being any less of a woman than those women who did not have my struggle, did not have our struggle. G_D doesn't make mistakes. i am a better and stronger person, in spite of all of the pain that the ts condition wreaked on my life. i am not sure that would be true if i was willing to turn my back on my life, or my friends....

[Ms Bev]

Hiya Bev!

Hey, don't let it get to you.  I lost a friend that way too, a very close friend, and I simply could not understand why she was treating me that way.  I went through an actual grieving process, heartbroken, tearful, thinking about it all the time, wondering what I did, not her, and at one point before letting go, felt a great deal of anger toward her.
Let it go, hon.  It doesn't make sense to the recipient of such shameful behavior, never will. 
It's not you, it's her.  Let go.

Understanding Hugs,

Bev

[BeverlyAnn]

i understand trying to forget the pain that you are finally able to leave behind, but should you also try to forget the good?

And she did have a lot of pain.  Her ex beat her up psychologically leaving a lot of emotional scars.  Even before HRT, she was beautiful and more so after the hormones started working but yet she didn't think so.  She really didn't need FFS but she did it anyway simply because she didn't have a good self image.

Also, don't get me wrong as I don't feel that she owes me anything, even an explanation.  The time I spent with her was freely given.  I guess what I'm saying is it's sad for those friends that get left behind when this happens.

Wendy, I did ask about how she was doing and her partner said that she is happy and I'm happy for her.

Bev, no anger here as I do understand her motives.  I am letting it go and any future contact will have to come from her.

Beverly

[Cindi Jones]

Who knows what is going on in her mind.  Some of us just have to grow up. 

I did something similar to a very dear friend many years ago. I learned my folly and she was gracious enough to forgive me.  We've continued our friendship to this very day.  I can call her about anything.  What a fool I would have been not to keep up our friendship.

Bev, it may be that you were simply used.  It may be that she's scared to be discovered... it may be that she's just imature.  You are right to let it slide.  Perhaps someday, she'll ask for your forgiveness and turn out to be a very best friend.  And sadly, perhaps not.

Cindi

[BeverlyAnn]

Bev, it may be that you were simply used.  It may be that she's scared to be discovered...

Thanks Cindi.  I really think it's the second since, as I mentioned, she doesn't have a great self image which is a shame as she really is absolutely gorgeous.  Something I didn't add is that when she joined our church, as an elder I presented her to the congregation for baptism and Dee & I gave her a Bible, the first she had ever owned.  She used to tell me that Bible was on her nightstand and that she thought of us whenever she read it.  That's another thing she did was move her membership to another church about 20-30 miles away where no one knows anything about her.

Perhaps someday, she'll ask for your forgiveness and turn out to be a very best friend.  And sadly, perhaps not.

The memorial service for our friend who committed suicide a few weeks ago is May 12 and if she's there, I'll see how she acts towards people she knows.  I doubt though that she will be there.

Beverly

[Maebh]

Hi Bev.
I am really sorry about her ingratitude and the way she treats you. But in a sense it is for her that I feel the more sorry. How scared, confused or just plain stupid she must be to give up your friendship and all what she could still share with you. People like you are very rare and your gifts should be treasured and appreciated. Unfortunately she is now in an other type of denial, denial of her past, her struggle, your support, her achievement. It must be very hurtfull to you to see her going down this path and isolating herself. How can she ever be whole if she keeps running away and hide? I only hope that some day she will be able to integrate all her experiences and see how important your relationship was and can still be to the fullfilment of her true happyness. For both your sakes I hope that eventually she'll come to realise her mistake, make amend and appreciate with gratitude the freely given gifts of your friendship.
Hope, Light, Love and buckets full of Respect.
Maebh

Maebh

[LostInTime]

Sorry to read that but I am like your friend. I routinely cut all ties and disappear and I will do it again. Makes for having only a small circle of friends but that is usually for the best (for me).

Hugs,
LIT

[Lisbeth]

Heh.  It reminds me of a couple weeks ago sitting down with my oldest (not in age) friend, Katrina, over a beer talking about my upcoming name change.  (She's going to be one of my witnesses at the hearing.)  In the middle of talking about stuff, she said, "Don't you go disappearing on me, now.  You hear me?"

It happens far more than it should.

[BeverlyAnn]

Somehow, I just can't see you disappearing.  But if you do, I'll know how to hunt you down.  LOL

Lisbeth, you probably have more an idea of my history than most people here and you have some idea of the number of people I've "set on course" so to speak.  While I considered them acquaintances, most I didn't consider as friends and quite a few of those have disappeared over the years so yes, it does happen more than it should.

Beverly

[Wendy]

While I considered them acquaintances, most I didn't consider as friends and quite a few of those have disappeared over the years so yes, it does happen more than it should.

Beverly,

I guess I would qualify for a person that lives in stealth; however, I do chat with my friends/ acquaintances if they call.

Another side of the equation is I have called people that I would classify as "friends" and they would not call me back because it would not be politically correct to be seen with me.  I have put my job on the line a number of times supporting people that were wronged.  Sometimes you will exit with the people you tried to help and your "friends" that stay behind and will not even talk to you.

If people do not tell you what they are thinking you will not know.  "Friends" can leave from fear, love, hate, jealousy, anxiety, depression, too busy, or life events changed.   

W

[Maebh]

The disappearing act is such a masculine trait!  (See Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus) Having been raised a Corsican Male I know so well that inbred need to retreat to the cave. I must confess I've done it more than a few time myself. Luckily the more I integrate my feminine side the more I am aware of how hurtful it can be to others. And the more I express that feminine side the least I tend to.

Yeap life is rich and full of surprises!

HLLL&R

Maebh