Lack of Confidence

[TheBattler]

Who find depression ensures they lack confidence.

I find my confidence at work conpletely shattered. Now some of it is to do with the current work situation. When I try and project my life forward and or I can see is depression through trying to keep male or transistioning into an unknown life as a female. This has rely knocked my confidence as I can see two options in the future and I do not want to pick them as I want a third choice. I also hated when I thought about suicide and that period of my life hauntes me every day.


Tell me I am not alone in this - I want to keep my job as they are so understanding but I need to pick up my performance soon.

Alice

[HelenW]

I think any intense period of self-examination can hinder confidence, especially if you are still not sure what you are looking at, Alice.  And being transgendered can play hell on self-esteem too.

Just remember that you were able to get the job done before so you can still get it done now.

hugs & smiles
helen

[debbiej]

Alice,

You are certainly not alone in this.

Let's keep each other in our thoughts and prayers.

Debbie

[tinkerbell]

IMO depression means being tired of it all.  And yes, it can affect your work performance, for you tend not to be alert when you are depressed.  I think it is normal to feel sad from time to time or when new drama appears in our lives  , but if the depression continues for months without any specific reason, then, of course, psychiatric help should be considered.  In my experience, my depressive episodes are more sporadic with medication.  I tend to go into these phases of depression and euphoria.  Without medication, I am in a constant depressive mood, and the euphoric episodes disappear completely.  Therefore, I'd rather be on medication than without it.

tink

[Jillieann Rose]

Alice,
Hang in there. I know that better days are ahead for you.

This has rely knocked my confidence as I can see two options in the future and I do not want to pick them as I want a third choice. I also hated when I thought about suicide and that period of my life haunts me every day.

Me to, but I would like my choice of become a women if it wasn't for the fact that I will most certainly would lose my SO and the rest of my family.
And my wanting to end it all is in the past but I still, when I get depressed, it haunts me, but I have no problem rejecting those thoughts. Because I want to enjoy each day I have left no mater what happens. It is a decision that I have made.
We will make it through this together Alice.
Hugs,
Jillieann

[TheBattler]

Aww - thanks all

Alice,

You are certainly not alone in this.

Let's keep each other in our thoughts and prayers.

Debbie

I will be sure to remember you Debbie.

IMO depression means being tired of it all.  And yes, it can affect your work performance, for you tend not to be alert when you are depressed.  I think it is normal to feel sad from time to time or when new drama appears in our lives  , but if the depression continues for months without any specific reason, then, of course, psychiatric help should be considered.  In my experience, my depressive episodes are more sporadic with medication.  I tend to go into these phases of depression and euphoria.  Without medication, I am in a constant depressive mood, and the euphoric episodes disappear completely.  Therefore, I'd rather be on medication than without it.

tink

I do want to come of my deperssion meds sooner or late as they are making me tired and I do not do much after work except sleep. However I am scared to try and come of them as I remember what I was thinking in January - it showed I needed them.

Alice,
Hang in there. I know that better days are ahead for you.

This has rely knocked my confidence as I can see two options in the future and I do not want to pick them as I want a third choice. I also hated when I thought about suicide and that period of my life haunts me every day.

Me to, but I would like my choice of become a women if it wasn't for the fact that I will most certainly would lose my SO and the rest of my family.
And my wanting to end it all is in the past but I still, when I get depressed, it haunts me, but I have no problem rejecting those thoughts. Because I want to enjoy each day I have left no mater what happens. It is a decision that I have made.
We will make it through this together Alice.
Hugs,
Jillieann

I still somehow feel I am female - I wish I knew where the feeling comes from. Maybe in a the future I will relise it was always meant to be and I will want to transistion. But for now I am just scared by the process and having to tell everyone I am in fact female.

Alice

[TheBattler]

Later on, we discovered that my depression is associated with a chronic chemical imbalance which has to be controlled by medication for life.  My dosages have to be adjusted from time to time as well, so as you can see my dear Alice, we cannot play doctor with these kinds of things.

tink

Tink,

How was it discovered you have this is balance - did you do any medical test - what did they show.

The reson why I so so dissapointed with my shrink appoiont is she said I am depression - told me to totaly accept male and female side and up the dose. I will be sure to ask more question at my next appointment but the only thing Ihave to go on is the vague idea of totaly accepting myself with no idea of how to fully do this.

OK - Now I think I am female - that idea was hidden for a long time. Do I need to fully acept that I only had a small male side and in the context of how I am now I should to and rid yself of any notion I had a male side?

Alice

To many question for my muddles mind        .

Alice

[Suzy]

Alice,

I so understand what you are going through.  But do know that there is another day coming, and the sun will shine again.

Those of us who take meds for depression would all like to come off of them.  I finally discovered that my quality of life was better with them than without.  I finally decided it was not a sign of weakness to recognize my need for help and to get it.  Rather, it was a sign of wisdom.  There are lots of meds out there now, so be sure to have your doc try different ones until you find the one that works best for you.  It sounds like you have not found it yet.

Hang in there, sister!

Kristi

[Cindi Jones]

Indeed! There is no shame in taking the meds if they help you!

Alice, you need to focus on your work. Do anything you have to so that you can keep up your job.  It sounds like you have a very understanding manager. Make him look good. Just put it in your mind that doing well in you job is part of solving your problem. It is ... you know it.

Cindi

[Melissa]

Alice, I think I understand your dichotomy.  Tell me if I am pretty close.  You see the choices as either living as male, which you know you don't want, or living as a transsexual (somebody who may forever be labeled a freak).  You see no happiness in the male life and you are avoiding transition because you do not want this stigma forever attached to you along with the loss you know you would likely endure.  You would like a 3rd option, which is to simply be a female, but you don't see that happening, nor anyway to achieve that.

Why do I see this?  Because I see the same dichotomy in my life and I know that living as male is not even an option.  I'm 100% sure of that.  However, I don't want all the bad things that go along with being TS either.  I hate when I start contemplating this since I tend to get quite depressed and occasionally suicide.  I feel like I was forced along this path (not by a person, but just by the condition), and that feeling of no good options can really get me down.  However, when I am thinking logically, I know that I am actually happy with my life when I live more in the moment, rather than looking years ahead at an unknown and uncertain future.

Alice, I can honestly say that the good things in my life that I gained by transitioning far outweigh the bad things, but that's because transition was right for me.  If it is right for you, it won't be as bad as it seems.

[TheBattler]

You are very close Melissa,

I think if I tried to live as a male I would just get depressed. If I had a choice of being male without the depression I would take that in a heart beat (the 3rd option I wanted). However since it was my identify that got me depressed (I wanted to do girly things - why did I have to do them) I know it is not possible to just walk away from all od this. I am starting to recognise that my actions indicated I am female (or part there of).


On the TS/Girl side of things you are correct. I have always said I do not want to be on medications for the rest of my life - and here am I thinking of transistioning. It is not far having to be on all of those pillls - when I was at my best I never took any pills. I am starting to think I am extending my natural life by taking the pills (yeap - without this place and the pills I would of ended it all in shame a year ago). So I may be up for the transistioning challege (everyone says I would look like a natural girl). I first need to ensure that I do recognise  I am female. That feeling started last week (see https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,12545.0.html) and I not trying to push it away as I would of done previously.

Alice

[Kimberly]

I have always said I do not want to be on medications for the rest of my life

Well, You are certainly not the only one like that. I avoid asprin. Heck, I avoided vitamins half of the time. I do not like foreign substances, and yet, every damn day. ^*shrug* Oh well. The feel is better WITH than with out, so ^*shrug* my body is just a big biological mess that needs adjustment. It annoys me greatly that it takes an outside influence but, ^*shrug*, oh well.



I do have advice on the suicide thoughts front; If those thoughts bother you, then stop thinking about them. It is, honestly as simple as that. (an believe me I do NOT want to be alive; I have some idea of what I am talking about.); There are always multiple solutions to any problem. The garbage of life is no expectation to this.


So, you know, smile... it does a heart good

[TheBattler]

I do have advice on the suicide thoughts front; If those thoughts bother you, then stop thinking about them. It is, honestly as simple as that. (an believe me I do NOT want to be alive; I have some idea of what I am talking about.); There are always multiple solutions to any problem. The garbage of life is no expectation to this.


So, you know, smile... it does a heart good

Great - I can forget I was ever suicidal and stop my Meds  .

You are a great Friend Kimberly - get out and enjoy - I am sure you have lots to live for.

Alice

[Kimberly]

It is not so much forgetting you were ever suicidal (I would not advise that), but realise you do not have to be. No requirements, that sort of thing. Your thoughts DO NOT HAVE to go there if you do not want to.
That is more of my point.

Oh and regarding confidence; I find confidence is like what everyone says about energy; It's not there until you get out and do it. Personally that is not how energy works for me, but that is similar to confidence. You MAKE confidence. Believe in yourself. ^{*tilts head* *smiles*} That sort of thing.

An you know what dear Alice? I BELIEVE in YOU.

[Ms.Behavin]

Hi Alice,

Like cindy said,  First and foremost try to do your best at work.  Everyone makes mistakes somedays, but for the moment just go with it.  I had a guy side at one time, but it's long gone.  I'm in the same boat, I'm full time, and have the support of management, but I also feel that I need to be proactive, so the one guy  who has issues with me, will hopefully come around.  I try to do the best, but it is not always easy.  Every day I meet either new people, clients or reps at work and well those that knew the guy, well sometimes it's  a bit interesting.

Hang in there dear Alice,  I do know what your going through.  We're all in this together. 

Beni