how to let go of being a ->-bleeped-<-?

[oZma]

ummm, I can't seem to let myself off the hook,  I'm terribly hard on myself although I pass 100%.  I even asked a guy I went on a date with a hypothetical question on whether he would date a ->-bleeped-<- and when he asked why, I used the 'oh, I have a friend excuse'.  he believed me... granted he said no he wouldn't date a girl like me.

regardless, I live alone with my dog in a new city since I went full time and have a few acquaintances but no friends.  I feet severe social anxiety, mostly because I think everyone looks at me and I think they think about what a ugly ->-bleeped-<- I am or patronize me by saying I look/ sound feminine.  I can't stop being mean to myself, I feel fat, think I sound like a boy, have huge broad shoulders, a wide waist, small  butt, man hands, giant feet? I'm exhausted being mean to myself!

here is my face


however, I'm probably just looking for attention for some reason although I know nothing anybody says will ever name me feel better.  I feel so dam alone and don't know what to do!

[Nicolette]

Been there done that, still doing some of that. But it does get better.

You look lovely. I can't see the manly figure you paint, seriously! And I'm very picky.

[Stranger]

I'm exhausted being mean to myself!

Then take a rest! You're an obviously attractive woman who by her own admission can pass 100% of the time.

How long have you been full time for? Perhaps it's just a matter of time. Nobody anywhere can hope to be truly free of anxieties and insecurities, but time often brings self-acceptance, which is the nearest thing. And I don't mean this purely as a trans observation, but of life generally. I've been around, and I've always found that the best approach to difficult times is to be calm, be kind to yourself (because if you won't be, who will!), and remember to set aside moments just to relax. It puts your problems into perspective.

[EmmaM]

Stop thinking of yourself as being a ->-bleeped-<- (those have gears). Fall in love, find a job, be good at it, make friends, go shopping with them, go bar hopping, find an excellent salon, girl talk, OCCUPY yourself. That's how.

[oZma]

I get scared of people because of the potential they will hate me or be disgusted by me without even knowing me.  I tend to avoid people all the time.

how do you let people get close to you? with the potential they will be disgusted, or hate you for just being honest with yourself?  i  don't want to talk about my genitals because lately I really don't like them in general, but I don't want to be dishonest? I get so confused, then I get mad, then I regret transition,

I hate this life

I hate having a penis, I would want a vag but I don't want surgery.  I want to feel 'ok' with myself if I do decide to get a vvag but I don't know how to do it.  F

oh and I've been fulltime since April but had FFS then so I've been healing the last 5 months

I have a good job, I'm good at it, I went shopping yesterday (which usually stresses me out) and went out this past weekend with a friend-ish girl and got my first tattoo... I don't (or I'm trying not to) drink and be in situations where there is drinking

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Very easy.  You are not a ->-bleeped-<-, you are a woman.  Pure and simply.


Woman




->-bleeped-<-

[EmmaM]

I get scared of people because of the potential they will hate me or be disgusted by me without even knowing me.  I tend to avoid people all the time.

This is a simple reality of everyday "normal people" life. Some people just won't like you, that's how it is.

how do you let people get close to you? with the potential they will be disgusted, or hate you for just being honest with yourself?

In my experience, more people are disgusted with others who are "fake," you're being honest, living in a genuine manner, aren't you?

i  don't want to talk about my genitals because lately I really don't like them in general, but I don't want to be dishonest? I get so confused, then I get mad, then I regret transition,

I hate this life

I hate having a penis, I would want a vag but I don't want surgery.  I want to feel 'ok' with myself if I do decide to get a vvag but I don't know how to do it.  F

Then don't talk about what's in your pants. It is not exactly a normal topic of conversation.

oh and I've been fulltime since April but had FFS then so I've been healing the last 5 months

I have a good job, I'm good at it, I went shopping yesterday (which usually stresses me out) and went out this past weekend with a friend-ish girl and got my first tattoo... I don't (or I'm trying not to) drink and be in situations where there is drinking

Good. People like others with a good head on their shoulders. Let me tell you a secret about shopping: go with nothing in mind. Just go to a clothing store or makeup store and wander around, explore your many options, devise color schemes, try on a freakin' dress for goodness sakes. Even if people read you, more than likely they will regard it as some precious secret for them to have. People are fun that way.

[Isabelle]

Exchange the word "transsexual" for any other medical condition and try to train yourself to see the absurdity of it.
For example...
"I can't let myself of the hook for being a diabetic"
"ugh... No one wants to date me, I'm secretly a hemophiliac!"
"FML.... I was born with an......appendix!"
And so on, and so forth

[Sephirah]

One thing to think about, hon, is who is in control of your life. It sounds from your posts that what you think other people will think of you, or say about you, puts them firmly in control of what you do and don't do. And your decisions are made around that. Kind of like "I have to do this because other people will think this or that, or they might say this or that."

One step you can take is to try and put yourself back in control of your life. If you do something or don't do something, make it because it's what you want. It's often easy to lose sight of why we do all this in the first place; namely to be able to live our lives the way we want to. If you put others in control of how you live then the changes may have been made but you're still not really living your own life, you know? Labels are things other people stick on you. To let go of it, you have to put yourself back in charge of who you are.

Letting people get close to you is largely a trust issue, and that can be very hard to overcome, speaking from personal experience. Two things I found which help are to make the effort to remember times where people were genuinely nice to you, and friendly, and didn't act the way you think they would. And coupled with that is to try to accept that you cannot control how other people think, and what they think. All you can control is how you yourself think, and how you live your life. Take it slowly, find common interests so you have a starting point, and take it from there. It's hard sometimes, I know, but if someone hates... that says more about them than it does about you. That doesn't mean everyone will be the same way. Sometimes you have to chip away quite a few chunks of rock before you get to the diamond in the rough.

Is it worth it? Yes, in my opinion.

*big hugs*

[oZma]

nobody does want to date me maybe do sex with me or ->-bleeped-<- Chase me... date me? nope (or maybe my standards are to hi)... I'm working on ways to accept being alone... why the heck do people feel the need to share things?  its so hard to be alone.  its so hard to paint a picture and not feel the need to show it to others.  damn evolutionary programming

[EmmaM]

Is that what you're worried over? Ending up alone, forever? I remember a conversation I had with my father, he looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I was okay with the possibility of never having another date, never finding another partner that was accepting. I looked him dead in the eye and deadpanned a "yes." I said it, though I always held out hope. A year later I ended up in the most amazing relationship of all time (called it!). In this way the only thing in your way is you. Keep your chin up and hold on to some hope, you're not exactly radioactive, ya know?

[JoanneB]

Not wanting to be alone in life is an ailment that crosses all gender boundaries. Again, it is the human condition. We are pack animals and need to be around other people.

This old romantic defines dating as a means to get to know another person. It is not a primary means to get laid. So what is inside your panties is inmaterial. If, by the time you get to really know the other person and your gut says they will have a fit finding out that you are a transsexual (I'll spare you the don't denegrate yourself "->-bleeped-<-" lecture as well as the need to educate others lecture if the opportunity arises). Then there is no need to tell them and no need to go take things to the "next step"

My wife, who was pre-op for a good 10 years, had been out on many dates. Some relationships never got past #2 or #3 for that very reason. Some progressed. Many eventually ended after the b/f needed confirmation from a third party. Then there was me who basically dropped her twice as my own TG issues and desire for a "normal" life (house, picket fence, 2.3 kids...) got in the way of persuing a life with the most amazing person I've ever met. (It still took her about 8 years to actually say yes to getting married on our third, and final, go around)

[tantra86]

what ever problems you have you can let them go because when i look at you i see a glowing radiating soul who is very blissful just being. you know it.

[pretty]

Find some support. I have all those concerns (and being very early on HRT still they actually have some basis in reality) but personally my bad anxiety got a lot better when I went FT because I had my bf there to ground me. You need to stop going around in a cycle of negative thoughts inside your head, cause you're affirming your negative beliefs. 

[Kevin Peña]

Ok, I'll give you the same advice my sister told one of her friends in a similar lack-of-confidence situation. "Dammit, woman, you're fine! Stop denigrating yourself, you lovely lady!"

Honestly, you look fine and it seems like you are actively looking for ways to bag on yourself. I'm sure that the only thing repelling a potential date from you is a lack of confidence. I have lots of guy friends, and they don't like the self-deprecating thing. It sounds as annoying as a nagging wife to them.

Thus, in conclusion, stop thinking so much. Over-analyzing tiny details is more trouble than it's worth.

[Julie Wilson]

Whatever you focus on, you get more of.

If you focus on what you don't want, you will get more of it.

If you focus on what you do want, you will get more of that.

Being trans, forums and being in trans head-space (in my humble experience) becomes an addiction.  And more than that...  A long time ago I was going through a very painful breakup and I just couldn't let go of my ex.  We kept getting back together and when were apart I pined for her and was miserable all the time (She was pre-op trans btw, not that it matters a whole lot).

But anyway...

My friend explained to me that If I couldn't let go of my ex there would be no space created in my life for a new person to fill.  So the new person might simply pass me by, being I had not created a space for him (realized I am not lesbian).

Anyway...

I believe that by coming here and getting in trans space I am not creating a space in my life for a normal life.  So no matter how empty it feels (like hunger pains) I need to avoid this place and stop coming back here in order to make the space necessary for my new life.  So that is what I am going to try to do.  Wish me luck O_o ...

That may not work for you but in my situation, this is my solution for letting go of being a "->-bleeped-<-".  I should also probably cut contact with my friends who are trans.  I guess I will have to take it one step at a time, just like I took transition it self.

Cheers

[Stephe]

Whatever you focus on, you get more of.

This is true of almost everything about being a human. You can almost make a body part hurt by focusing on it. I've learned to focus on my feet (wiggle my toes) at the dentist and hardly feel any pain. Focus on your past and you will never escape it.

I don't think about my being anything other than a woman now and really not even about that, I know I am one so I just am. It's like being self conscious, no one is looking at you until you focus on yourself and/or your faults. I could "panic" about being this almost 6ft woman and usually am about 6'1" when I wear even lowish heels. So what, I am super woman!

Also I know a group of trans people who seem to only hang out with other trans people, they go to support groups every week, eat lunch etc with trans people. They have been doing this for years now. They ask me to join them and the couple of times I have gone to lunch it's just weird to me.  I have to think this isn't good as then it becomes being trans is like a "lifestyle" and has become a focal point of their lives life. I rarely think about the fact I am a trans person anymore.

I guess my point is I am not going to deny I am transgendered, but that just is a minor detail of my existence now. I do enjoy posting what my experience was to people who haven't been there yet, going full time is a scary thing to do without knowing it can be done and what to expect.

[oZma]

the most amazing relationship of all time

sounds nice

[oZma]

because I had my bf

awwwww

[Joelene9]

Very easy.  You are not a ->-bleeped-<-, you are a woman.  Pure and simply.


Woman




->-bleeped-<-

Mrs. O'Brien, I love it! ROFL!
  Joelene