I so much want to go foward but I am very scared,still!

[kathy bottoms]

Shawn:  I was raised in a strict religious family, and have since become and athiest, but I remember those teachings very well.  I see no reason to disrespect you or your faith, but I do ask you to understand that I was told every sunday to believe in God, and Jesus Christ as my savior.  If I did that, and only that, I would be saved.  So if you genuinely believe in God your gender expression should have nothing to do with that faith, and there is no reason why you can't keep that faith forever.  And likewise, a church or religion should have nothing to do with your maintaining that faith.

Love, Kathy.

[ashrock]

Well, we have somewhat similar backgrounds including state of origin, religion, want to be a male sometimes, even feel shame at my intimate desires of wanting to be more femme.  I havent moved forward with these thoughts yet, am trying to let them calm before taking drastic action.  I crossdressed when I was younger, and my mom reacted exactly like yours to me (family was not accepting at all), so when I grew up I separated myself from them.  I do still miss my dad, brother, and sister, havent missed my mom much yet.  Its very selfish of her to think that a pastor can "straighten" you out when you dont feel all that broken deep down.  If she is encouraging you to take t and "man up" (Dear Jesus, I HATE that phrase) she doesnt really understand what it is to be a man, or even a woman for that matter.  I personally am taking this slowly, and I would recommend the same to you.  I feel like even if I woke up a woman tomorrow with everyone hunky dory with it, I would still have problems.  Personally, it just sounds like she is pressuring you to be what she wants.  Maybe you should tell her that it is driving a wedge between you.  If she wants to force you into something, you might just end up having to do what I did.  OMG, I am sooooo much happier today than I was with all that over my head.  People have a taught notion of what it is to be a man, you MUST fit into their category or are rejected because they dont want to understand as it would force them to think without their learned shortcuts and stereotypes (I think that classifying someone is really just lazy thinking), it is OK to be a man who is effiminate.  If during your process, you want to get rid of other male characteristics, that is ok too.  Trust me though, t will not make you feel better (it made me feel insane, foggy, hyper, and not more than a little bipolar).  I wouldnt do voice surgery, it is kinda fun to be able to do both voices (for me anyway).  Also, personal advice, dont reject what you learned, but dont rely too heavily on it either.  You are not the only one around here dealing with this particular struggle.  What part of Texas BTW, I come from the deserts of the west, not a tolerable place geographically or sociologically.  I respect the fact that a lot of people here get the oft missed point that religion and spirituality are 2 completely different things (even if a few are atheist, lol).

[JoanneB]

Two simple questions:
1) Do you believe in an all knowing, all powerfull God?
2) If yes, then why do you believe God makes mistakes?
(I'll pass on the Duck-Billed Platypus joke hanging out there  )

OK 3 questions, kinda - sorry
3) If God doesn't make mistakes then........?

[translora]

Shawn,

I feel for you. I really do.

You've been taught a lot of things which are hurtful, brutal, demeaning and damaging. You have had your "salvation" held hostage by people who want something from you -- namely to be someone you may not be, to conform, to not make anyone uncomfortable, to not push unfamiliar boundaries. Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that the pain you feel is real, deep, and cannot be healed quickly. You have my deepest compassion.

But it's time for you to get out from under this needless oppression and live your life. I can't say it more plainly or sincerely. Shake that crap off. It is crap. You are being manipulated, plain and simple. That is why many people leave the church, and I get it. When that's what you know of religion, why the hell would you put up with it?

Fortunately, I know faith in a different way.

I am employed in a Lutheran church and married to a pastor. I study the Bible as part of my job and have received extensive training in theology and the music of the church (while also deciding that being a pastor wasn't right for me). What you are being taught is not about God, it's about humanity -- more specifically: control. Unfortunately, there are large swaths of Christianity which are not very Christ-like. They are run by those who abuse the power that parishioners -- seekers -- grant to them. These communities often sell hatred, judgment and intolerance, while holding up the name of one who was all about love, acceptance and radical inclusivity. (Who did Jesus love, accept and eat with? Everyone, and with a special emphasis on those who the society would marginalize and dismiss.)

But let's set that aside. This isn't even about Jesus. It's about how you have been taught to understand God -- namely, as some all-powerful sky-guy who will judge you harshly, rule ferociously, and cast you out of his (and it's always "HIS") presence should you cross him.

It's just not true, and it's hardly the story the Bible tells about God (at least not when taken in its totality; yes, there are verses and stories which tell it that way). And frankly, I don't know why ANYONE would believe in such a God. It's a horrible way to be a human -- with this implied threat of banishment hanging over your entire life. To many people, the Bible is the only source of information about God. To me, it's just a starting place, and some of it simply must be understood metaphorically, or according to the context in which it was written, or even completely set aside as archaic. (Shellfish, anyone?)

You've also been taught that certain people understand God better than you and have some sort of authority over you because of that. To anyone who tells you they know something about YOUR salvation, you should say, "Get behind me, Satan." Your relationship with God is yours and yours alone. Tell those who would judge you to f**k off. (Use nicer words than that.)

But rather than rail on here, I would just ask that you consider this:

Everything you have, God (or whatever you want to call it) gave you. In fact, that's about the only thing we can actually say with some certainty about our existence. It's now pretty well-established (by twins-raised-apart studies) that most of what you got, you got at birth in either your DNA or your circumstance. Even the latter ("nurture" if you will) is largely determined by things beyond your control such as where you were born, into what socioeconomic situation, and with what type of adult and peer influences.

All of this was present at your birth. Repeat that to yourself a few times. Believe it. It's true and deeply freeing.

God (or the Universe or whatever you want to call it) created you just as you are. Take that and run with it. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself. Even the God of Christianity as seen through the Gospels wants that for you more than just about anything else.

Your internal gender feelings are beyond your control. They were part of your life from conception. They cannot be denied. They will not go away. For people who see the world through the lens of religion, this is a sure sign that God was at work within you before you were born. For others, replace the word "God" with "genetics" or "DNA" or "conditions in the womb" or "destiny". It's all the same stuff just with different names.

My advice to you, Shawn, is to release your fears about "salvation", forge your own personal relationship with God (or not), and get on with the business of being who you were created to be. If that means becoming a woman, so be it.

Lora
http://translora.wordpress.com

[Carlita]

well the problem also for me is, I have not always felt bad about having a male body, and yet often more than not i do feel bad about having a male body.

Here are the things that I know are true about me and will never change regardless:

I hate facial hair
I hate body hair
I wish i looked even softer and smoother
I like womens clothes
I like painting my nails and my face
I am very emotional and moody
I like sensitive and soft and things of a feminine nature

My only male side would be:
My voice which I considered voice surgery but would loose my ability to go from low to high in voice impressions.
The fact that I still dream as male and did grow up mostly like a boy and for the longest time did accept myself as male, even though the female side was getting stronger as i got older.

My mom just sent me some money and wants me to go back to Texas, forget about all LGBT people and pretend I am a conservative again and go back in the closet essentially and reject what i learned. She wants to send me to a pastor who she things will straighten me out.
A male pastor of course, she feels I need a male role model to fix me. 

I sometimes still feel male but it wavers all day long back and forth this power struggle for my identity. I dream of what I could become but I also fear what I may loose.

My mom even wants me to take testosterone and try to man up as it were and then i would feel better she says 

I don't know too much about the kind of Christianity practiced in the Bible-belt, except that it doesn't seem to have much to do with the kind I learned at school. But I do know this, from personal experience ...

You can stuff yourself full of testosterone and it won't make a damn bit of difference.

You can have all the therapy you like and the only thing it can ever do for you - if it's conducted with any kind of professional integrity - is to help you know yourself, accept yourself and deal with your situation. It cannot change you, and no reputable practitioner will tell you it can.

You said it yourself: 'Here are the things that I know are true about me and will never change' ...

So, that being the case, you have to accept that and decide how to proceed. But that decision has to be about what's best for you, not for anyone else.

I am personally unable to believe in God, but I respect those who do. What I cannot respect, however, are people who use the idea of God, of heaven and of hell as tools with which to frighten and oppress others. That's not true religion, just a sick power trip.

If God exists, if God is all-knowing, if God loves mankind why would that God want you to be unhappy? Why would God want you to be untrue to yourself? Why would that God have given mankind the ability to transition from one sex to another?

You are who you are. And if God made you that way there must have been a purpose. So live our ife according to that purpose ... and don't for one second be held back by Bible belt bigotry, ignorance and shame.

[Shawn Sunshine]

Thanks for all your input everyone, it has been most helpful. I will take everything with a grain of salt, add some pepper and give it a little kick of spice.


I will stay here in San Francisco still and continue on my journey and keep going to my gid psych and hopefully in time I can understand myself better and make good choices.