GID sucks - not for everybody

[Stephe]

I undestand what you mean, but I don't want anything of that, I don't even want to be a woman... I just want my old life back, being completely oblivious and ignorant.

Well I highly doubt this will go away, which is why I agree it sucks. It's like being a diabetic, wishing it to go away and return to a time when you didn't bother you isn't going to happen. That I can assure you.

I think the big conflict I am seeing is you say you have GID, it is eating you from the inside out yet then say "I don't even want to be a woman"?? Not wanting to deal with transition is understandable, it sucks. But how can one have gender issues yet -not- want to be the other gender? Maybe you wish you were "A normal man" but we aren't. It's the hand we were dealt. I can think of far worse things than being trans, this is a solvable problem and too many people have done it to try to claim that somehow your case is special and it can't be done.

I can promise you that in my case all my GID feelings disappeared once I starting living full time as the correct gender. Sure there are details of my life as a woman I am still working on but that "eating me from the inside" disappeared.

[Apples Mk.II]

I don't think that any of us ever wanted this. The key to what I said in my previous post in this thread is indeed that this is VERY hard. Like I said, I would have like to have been able to stay 'male' and live a normal life, not having to deal with any of the issues.

And this is the moment when I really understood why GID was that bad. Because there is no escape from it, and whoever can easily bail out and be happy... Probably does not have it. Now I can see there is a difference between somebody that would do it for fun, or thinking it is cool (and possibly be rejected if he/she tried to take  the legal route) for hormonation, and somebody that has to do it and endure because there is no other way around.


It makes me wish I only wanted to do this for fun, and not the other way around... I first I thought it was great, like the bit lottery prize. Something that would make me feel better, improve a bit my personal life, stop hating myself, kickstart my life into doing the things I had never done in my life... Until with time I understood that this is more like walking over broken glass. It is hard, difficult, and unless you are a masochist, you only walk over the glass shards because there is no other way around. You can try to stand there, with the shards getting deeper inside your feet, or try to advance in hopes of the glass ends several kilometers later.

yet then say "I don't even want to be a woman"?? Not wanting to deal with transition is understandable, it sucks. But how can one have gender issues yet -not- want to be the other gender? Maybe you wish you were "A normal man"

That's more or less the truth. I "don't want it" because "I don't want to deal with all the hardships it means". I have always been a coward that always bailed out in the moment an obstacle appear in the way. I never put effort on anything. And this needs all the possible effort. "Keep being a man" would be the easiest and best path in life... If the choice existed. I thought you took a decision to transition, but it is the opposite. You do it because there is no other way around.

[eli77]

I should need another painkiller, but I don't want to get hooked to those things... Anti depressants already scare me enough, the last time they turned me into an overweight drooling and shivering mountain of meat. And I almost forgot. I had to develop muscle to properly support my back and knees, so losing muscle mass to HRT can't be a good idea. I don't want this.

I'm rationed. I get 45 Oxycocet every 2 months. Usually I end up burning through that in the first month and then living on hope and fumes for the second. But it keeps me from getting addicted at least. I'm supposed to stop taking them at least 2 weeks before I get my refill anyway.

I've been on them for 9 years. I don't think there are really words to express how much it sucks to wake up and go to sleep in pain every day. And to know that you are going to keep doing that for the rest of your life. So, ya. I'm sorry. It's awful. I feel you.

The feeling worthless and broken and all that. Ya. I hated my body on so many levels. Swore at myself in the mirror, cried hysterically, cut up, starved, refused to sleep... If it was going to hurt me, I could ->-bleeped-<-ing hurt it back just as well. So dissociated from myself that I felt like I was shambling around in a body that didn't belong to me. Like could I please return this one? It's defective.

It took me 6 years after finding out about the option of transition to do anything about it. Because I was terrified. Terrified that I'd never be okay. That it would just make things worse. That I'd turn into a monster. That I wouldn't be able to cope with it and I'd just kill myself. Actually killing myself was kind of my first reaction to finding out about the option. I thought I was too weak and pathetic to ever do this huge scary thing.

I'm not sure how I got over it exactly. I guess I decided that how things were was untenable, and that transition was worth a shot and if it didn't work out I could kill myself anyway. I wasn't really in a super good place in my head at the time.

So that was bleak. Sorry. All that to say that, well, I'm pretty okay now. I mean, I still have the pain condition, and that sucks and all, but I don't hate myself anymore. The tipping point was really just discovering that I could FIX things. That I could make these choices and that my body would actually change and that was amazing and wonderful. That I could fight for my body rather than against it.

Because honestly, the worst thing about the pain condition and the dysphoria and that ->-bleeped-<-ed up combination is that you feel like you've got no control. Like you are totally helpless and your body just does these insane things without your permission and it's terrible all the time. And transition, that is all about control. About making your body your own. Reshaping it to your will.

So me, I'd say fight. Try the hormones and see how it makes you feel about yourself. Send the pics to VirtualFFS and get a sane outside perspective of what can be done for you. You hate your voice? Stop screwing around with discs then and see a voice therapist who is going to do some customized training for you and get that fixed. Because when you discover you can really do that, that you can really change things, that feels so, so good. And it is so worth living for that.

Personally I found, when I finally started this thing, that transition, compared to what I'd survived before, was really easy. I mean, hun, you're fighting all this stuff right now that is SO HARD and you are still breathing. That doesn't make you weak. That makes you tough as all hell. I know on the inside it doesn't feel like that at all, but your inside is lying to you. You are strong, you are a survivor, you just haven't had a chance to see it yet.

[Stephe]

That's more or less the truth. I "don't want it" because "I don't want to deal with all the hardships it means". I have always been a coward that always bailed out in the moment an obstacle appear in the way. I never put effort on anything. And this needs all the possible effort. "Keep being a man" would be the easiest and best path in life...

Honestly the hardships are what happens in your life per-transition. The years I lived as a man were the hard ones. You are going to have to either put some serious effort, pull yourself together and move forward or else be miserable and hate yourself for being too much of a coward to face this. "Keep being a man" is NOT the best path for a transgendered person, it's what we do when we are scared into paralysis and make up every excuse imaginable to not do this. And you will have not problem making up a long list (you posted some of it here), everyone one of us has.

As far as "Keep being a man" being the easiest solution, that just isn't the truth or even close to it. What you are dealing with right now is MUCH harder than any part of transition and continuing to live as a man will mean the rest of your life will be full of torment and anguish. That doesn't sound like the easy path to me.

[Jamie D]

Apples, if you get so far down that you see no way out, I want you to consider these numbers:


International

Go to www.befrienders.org and choose "International." A drop-down menu allows you to choose your country and find a helpline. In the United States, you get a further drop-down menu that allows you to choose by state.

Or go to http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html and scroll down until you find your country's link.
[/quote]

[Apples Mk.II]

Because honestly, the worst thing about the pain condition and the dysphoria and that ->-bleeped-<-ed up combination is that you feel like you've got no control. Like you are totally helpless and your body just does these insane things without your permission and it's terrible all the time. And transition, that is all about control. About making your body your own. Reshaping it to your will.

Stop screwing around with discs then and see a voice therapist who is going to do some customized training for you and get that fixed. Because when you discover you can really do that, that you can really change things, that feels so, so good. And it is so worth living for that.

I don't know. The more I try to overcome, the more I feel broken. One of my facial muscles on my mouth does not even work properly (guess why I don't smile). Talking like a man is difficult, but modulating the voice when one part of the mouth tries to close since something I can't pull it correctly.

In any thing I tried to improve, I only found more defects. The more defects and problems I find in my body, the more depressed I get. I lose hope, I abandon, I try to do it again, and I get stuck in the barrier that already stopped me the first time. Remembering the problem that left me stuck the first time kills my hope again. Please, I only want to die and stop the suffering. Or to have enough guts to actually do it. I just can't see anything good to keep going on, and I don't even want to find a reason to keep moving.


I am already a expired product. My laser eye surgery left me with a bad case of ptosis that has made myself a mockery. I don't know why one clavicle started moving awkwardly after waking up from anesthesia in another surgery (again told that it was only in my head). I can't breathe properly. I'm quicly going bad. A messy back and weird looking body. Walking is difficult. Social security doctors pay no attention and tell you to leave unless you are dying. I don't have friends, I hate my family, economically I am ->-bleeped-<-*d. I can't find reasons to continue.

[Cindy]

There are times when it is too much. I've been there. So have many on this site, and many I have talked to who are not on this site.

The 'it is too difficult for me because'  fill in the excuse, I've heard all of them. Is a comment that comes up regularly. I used it pretty extensively as people know. And for a long time that people do not know.

I can find an excuse to do nothing very easily.  I have a job in which I HAVE to make decisions. I cannot pass them on. There is no one to pass them too. They come back to me with greater urgency and greater pressure. I would say that most, at least 70% of the decisions I HAVE to make ruin a persons dreams, life, health and in a significant portion, leads to their early death.

Guess why they come back to me. The chalice isn't full of sour wine, it's full of s***.

But I make them and I move on.

What about you?

Just because something is hard doesn't mean saying no. Just because the outcome isn't optimal doesn't mean no. Just because it is painful and has to deal with unpalatable feelings and decisions and thoughts, doesn't mean no.

Just because you think you'll look like a clown, doesn't mean no.

What it does mean is belief. Believe in your self. Believe you can do it. I've seen people who have had most of their face removed courtesy of a shotgun or a windscreen. They show me pictures of a beautiful woman and I look  to a horror that a special,effects expert couldn't create. They want to live. They are still wanting to try.

And you give up?

I'm sorry Ms Bloggs, you have failed three stem cell transplants and there is no more therapy we can give. Make sure your Will etc is in order, let me know if you need pain relief. (etc). But Cindy I want to keep going, you said you would never let me down.

F***. Hit the phones there must be a clinical trial somewhere for something new.

But you would give up?

In the end the decision is yours. And I realise and appreciate that.

But don't say that you are giving up because it is too hard.

That you are flat and feeling nasty and feeling like cr** can be used to give yourself strength. 

I have tried to give up. I've been damn close to the final curtain. People here know that, they have helped me.

I have won.

I have won because I didn't give up and my friends and family here at Susan's kept me going.

I have no intention on giving up on you.

Hugs

Cindy

[Apples Mk.II]

The only thing I have tried to do is contact with two different surgeons in hopes of fixing the ptosis for now. The only ones that do it here are the ones responsible for causing the condition on the first place, So I can't trust them.

Dr Pat from Tokai Clinic says that he can do it without scars, and not needing to remove skin in order to conserve it for future FFS. Currently looking for local solutions for price comparison. But still not fixing the rest of problems... The last time something like this happened I had to start again, but I now feel lost. Maybe nothing is as bad as I want to believe and I am only putting a lens on top of everything, making every bad thing worse, but...


Something to keep me busy. The more you think about a problem, the bigger it gets. But sh*t. I looked at the mirror while talking. My mouth turns into the most strangest thing, due to only one side working properly. I can't take mor of this. Prior to the GID, I was oblivious of all my physical quirks, and I was not that bad. Now, it is awful. No matter where I look, everything is wrong.

[Wild Flower]

Same here!

I don't want to be some ugly transsexual. So I figure the best alternative to that is being a beautiful feminine man. I just need to feel feminine. I just need to act feminine (when I'm alone). And just feel pretty. I want a boyfriend who thinks of me as feminine, I tell guys up front. So there.

My family won't disown me because of that.

I'm alright with my choices so far.

But suicide is never the answer. That's just stupidity.

[Apples Mk.II]

Great. I just was called in private by my senior.

In 5 days I'll be called to an interview to keep my post, and I have been told that as I am now, I won't last even a minute against the other candidates. "Compared to when I left during the summer, you look, walk and move like a corpse. You can't even keep the posture. You were always smiling. Everybody has noticed that you are less than a ghost now. I need you to at least put a fake smile during the interview. I can pass you all the questions and prepare you, but I need the person you were before, always helpful and exploding with energy. You have to at least fake that".


I don't know. I just want to say "Pick the other guy" in the interview. I was always afraid of losing my job, that after that I would enter another depression and end completely nuts. Now, I just don't care what happens. I only ask myself if this will end soon.



Update: Called by my boss to explain me the interview procedure, and I had a breakdown there crying non stop. Tried to explain a few things and how this is impacting my job and life, but keeping to me what's the problem. He has his suspicions, but won't ask for further explanations. He only asked if the therapy could be done earlier just to improve me a bit.

I don't know what to do. I only have four days to fake a "happier than if I was on drugs" aspect and keep it during the interview. i don't know how I can prepare for it if I can't keep a minimum level of mental integrity on anything.


BTW, looks like I am starting to know what really happens with my face: It is a deviated jaw. It is causing the weird mouth, odd facial expressions, a bit of difficulty speaking and bent teeth. I'm going to check it with a surgeon. I could need ortognatic surgery and that will possibli mean forgettin about lower face facial surgery, but it does not matter, I was OK with my jawline.

Sh*t, 9000-15000 €? Ok, I give up. I'm not transitioning, it is making it bad already. It only serves to remind me why I stopped looking at the mirror years ago. I am an ugly monster and I will always be. I was ridiculed during my whole childhood, called monster. Maybe I a am. But for a man, it is easier being like that. I should be dead. I don't want this, and it is not for me. I'm not transitioning. I'll stop with the laser sessions. All of this was an error. If I can't accept myself as I am now, it does not matter. No matter how much I change, the problem is not with my gender, it is with me. and I can't.

[Apples Mk.II]

Damn, I thought it would go away, but is is becoming even worse. I thought I had it under control, but I am back to seeing myself as a malformed monster. I don't know if it is BDD or what, but I'm back to the suicidal ideations and obsession with deformity and looking for surgeries.

It was so easy before the GID. A Pathetic life, but at least I did not notice it. And the suicidal delusions back again.

[Stephe]

Damn, I thought it would go away, but is is becoming even worse. I thought I had it under control, but I am back to seeing myself as a malformed monster. I don't know if it is BDD or what, but I'm back to the suicidal ideations and obsession with deformity and looking for surgeries.

It was so easy before the GID. A Pathetic life, but at least I did not notice it. And the suicidal delusions back again.

I normally don't say this but, I don't believe you are being helped posting here and there are other bigger issues at play than GID. You really need to find a good therapist.

[Apples Mk.II]

I normally don't say this but, I don't believe you are being helped posting here and there are other bigger issues at play than GID. You really need to find a good therapist.

Absolute truth. Here goes my last message. This is the synopsis of everything so far, as sincere as I could be. I will probably print a copy of this and bring it to the therapy.

I started visiting a general therapist in July, and after all of these months, I think we have accomplished nothing, just made things worse. Apart from random talking,  the only thing she has managed to achieve is to destroy my relationship with my family. I just told her that I wanted to improve my confidence and be able to have normal social life, and lose my fear of friends and relationships.

Ever since everything started all my hidden things started to pile up. The BDD about problems I believe as real is managing to cut me away from everything



The mechanism goes like this. Okay, I had the GID for years and grw up slowly, but I did not care a lot. I though it was ok just being a bit strange, but never feel the need to really do something until this year. When I actually wanted to give the first steps, the first thing was coming here and be assured that it was OK and I was not crazy.  I booked a date for GD therapy that would take place several months later (Next Month). After that I asked myself:" Ok, What can I do in the meantime? I could learn make up. I can try to walk. I can work on my voice". When I tried the make up I'd start seeing all sort of facial problems. A weird angled jaw, a deformed mouth, an eyelid problem, wrinkles and bad skin everywhere... I knew that I hated my manly face but now I had made exam after exam of it. I knew every corner of it and was terrified about how everything was bad. Not bad like "The forehead sucks but it can be corrected or I can get a better nose". I was (and am now) terrified of physical defects that probably can't be corrected with surgery, such as the different facial muscles, the angled jaw that could only be repaired by fixing the bones... Now I am aware of everything. If I move the eyes I feel the droopy eyelid. If I close my mouth I feel the teeh not connecting properly and the jaw nor moving perfectly. If I try to smile I feel the lower lip contorting and trembling. It is terrifying and I need to tell myself that some things need to be accepted, but I can't take those things away from my head.

When I tried to walk and adopt mannerisms, I saw that my body could not move properly. There was a birth defect on a leg and my posture was really bad thanks to it. The leg was improperly angled, I lost balance easily and I had a lot of back pain. and the pelvis and hips were displaced and misaligned. I was so depressed that I visited a traumatologist just to tell me that my bones were OK and with a bit of physiotherapy I could solve it. The osteopath saw me on last thursday and he was quite worried. He inspected all my body and said that everything was out of place, and it had happened over many years, uncorrected and degenerating. He started pressing few things, but did not want to tell me how long would it take of if a full repair could be achieved. Now I can't get my neck straight, as if he had changed something and left it worse.

Well, the voice... I don't want to think about that, it is the first thing that terrified me and just decided to leave it until I could repair those other things.


In the end, I was feeling down more and more. I could not look to the future and say "it will take time but I will walk again", and even if I could, my face would come to haunt me. Body Dysmorphic disorder, or maybe hypocondriac... It has taken over me. Now the things for me are like this:

- I have lost all the concentration at work and lowered my productivity to a minimum.
- I rarely go out of home
- I don't clean or care for anything around me.
- I have lost my routines of exercise, cleaning, cooking... If I am let alone I will probably starve to death mostly because I don't care
- I don't see my last friends anymore. Every time I try to meet them, I back away at the last minute. The last time I actually meet them I only wanted to leave, the sadness would not go away even with them around.
- I only fight with my family
- I panic every time I see a mirror
- I keep having mood swings, worse than ever, I break things, don't listen to anybody...
- I break down constantly at home or work, enclosing myself in the bathrooms to cry.
- I just lie in bed hoping that if I fall asleep no thoughts will happen for some time, and I don't want to leave.
- I only shout at my family when I can't hide my panic, and even they are getting depressed about my pitiful state
- I have lost the interest about every thing that helped me cope with the day to day life.

And the worst one. I don't know how to face the future, or if I have a future like this. I don't know if I can have a happy life once and for all, or if I will keep suffering year after year until I die. I don't have any strenght to continue, and it just makes me apathetic, waiting for the next weekly session of therapy as a small fix.

But they don't work. On the therapy I look calm as if I had fixed the problem on my own, I mention that it is illogical and stupid and with an unfounded basis. I already did that 12 years ago in the last depression. I almost never was asked about what depressed me, they just stuffed me with meds until my parents decided it was enough. The truth is, I never healed from what caused me that depressive disorder and it would come back to depress me for weeks from time to time, when I was low.


Maybe the story repeats itself. As I said, I always thought I could live with the GID and be happy without even having to fight or transition. But it got me in a depressed moment when other things from life were exercising a lot of pressure over me. After wanting to finally accept it, all the other unresolved issues decided to go back. They had been waiting in a dark corner and now they are roaming free again. The GID was an easy thing to accept and that was solved a long time ago. I had no fears about transitioning, my life after it, passability, etc. The other disorders turned into real behemoths. They were things chained to a wall. Take a brief look at them and go back to my objectives: make friends, get my own home, find love, be happy on life. Those were my directives, what helped me push forward in the day to day. Not they have been eaten by the chained disorders.

So, I don't know if that therapist is working well with me, or if I am not willing to be sincere with her about what's eating my from inside. Most of the time it feels as a small dose of drug to make me feel better and later despair until the next session starts, but they feel as if they only wanted to drain money for me. I tell her my issues, what has happened during the weel, we evaluate them, but in the end they remain there. We don't do anything to cope with them, I don't get any solution, and the therapy session only gives me a fake sense of peace until the next one. The topic changes every day, or I change it. I don't know if the therapist is bad, or if I am lying to her and faking my appearance of security.

Yes, my time here ended a long time ago. I got all the orientation I needed, all the support that could be offered. I Know what needs to be done, but now I am left with the other disorders making my life miserable. I need help to overcome all of this, and I won't be getting it here. I need more therapy, but maybe a psychiatrist more than a psicologist? My therapy sessions so far feel like trying to put off a fire with a water gun. I don't want to acknowledge that I may even need antidepressants to work through all of this, but it is probably is the truth. I can only whink of "How long until the next bad episode"? and "will I do anything I may lament?"

[Stephe]

I have no idea how old you are but I lived fairly happily for 40 years as a guy. Some people never have to be full time living as a woman to be happy. And there isn't a time table for this either.

I don't think a gender therapist is who you should be talking to. But someone who can help uncover why as you admit yourself, you have become obsessed with these details etc. Why you are allowing yourself to make these problems so huge and unmanageable.  You should IMHO but this GID stuff on the back burner till you sort out this other stuff.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope your life finds some sunny places in it

[Apples Mk.II]

Stephe. Sorry, I'd better clarify this.. I'm not yet visiting a GD therapist (that's for the next month). I'm visiting a normal therapist for all of these issues unrelated to GID that are being uncovered now and causing me the worst depressive episodes I have had in my life. Trying to advance in a new direction in a life has forced me to confront all the underlying problems, and they have managed to take me down. The title of the thread is wrong. I blamed that not everybody could do it, but I could not see that there was something else to it. I could not listen to people telling me it was just my negativity. There was something bigger down there, that has managed to take me down.

I can see it as this: All the bad things and disorders, etc set limitations for my life, like invisible walls of spikes. I learned to move between what they allowed me, try to make my life ok between those limits. But when I tried to transition and move past these walls, I ended impaled of them. I never had the power to jump through these walls, and now they are causing me depression.

Next week I'm asking for psychiatric therapy. Depression is going to kill me if I don't get help with it and what's causing it...

[JoanneB]

I tend to agree with Stephe. With a laundry list of issues that you posted, GID is the last thing you need to worry about. In fact, an arguement can be made from your postings that you see or saw transition as the means to bring joy into your life. Unfortunately not all of us can be Super Models. (Though there are a few that came close). Jumping into transition as a cure-all is a sure recipee for disaster.

After you work through many of the other issues you are confronting the dysmorphia may not be anywhere near as severe as it is now. Or, it may be worse as you get out of the dark place you are currently in. I tend to vacillate between the two. It's a vicious cycle that I am constantly fighting to balance.

The underlaying issues need to be addressed before you can even know, much less find, the happiness and joy you desire.

[Apples Mk.II]

It is like that. The first thing I thought of was "I am not ready. I need to fix the other underlying issues first or this will only make things more difficult. Mind needs to be in perfect shape before doing this", and started going to a therapist. The truth? As we delved deeper the list of issues was bigger than I believed, and no more under strict control. I thought I only had problems with social anxiety and fear, until a lot of other things arised, probably as the roots of the problems I could accept I had. My motto for years has been "thinking too much is bad. Avoid", as if I knew I had to keep everything sleeping (to the point of forgetting). Now I have a Pandora's box open with everything I had locked inside wide spread again.

And it is true. GID now is my last worry on the list. At the beginning of accepting it I believed it was only a matter of solving a small issues. Now... I found the big ones, and are making my life more and more miserable. Body dysmorphia is the worst one, and to what levels. I can't get close to a mirror without saying "ugly monster" and switching off the lights. No wonder why all of these years I shied away from cameras, mirrors, appearing in photos... The worst part is that I try to tell myself: "It is in your head. You are the only one one that can see it. There are even people that wish they could be in your body and have told it to you. The people that have real physical issues are quite pissed about you. ". But it keeps coming back, along with other issues. I won't say it is the only one, but there are lots of unattended things growing over the years because I was to afraid of accepting I needed help. They just needed a weakened state of mind to become a real problem again.

I have already called for support and next tuesday I will explain it to my doc so he can put me in touch with the psych care services. Two weeks ago I believed I could keep it under control, but as I can see, it is stronger than me. Damn childhood traumas... I don't understand, as we remembered all I went through childhood in therapy, everything started to come, from the beatings to the constant insults and teasing about my physical appearance and my face. I even have nightmares about it now, and I had forgotten, locked and suppressed all of that years ago. I can hear the insults again inside my head and believe them. Every time I try to smile to a mirror I can hear somebody laughing about myself from the distance. makes me wonder why I never cared about my appearance.