Changing feelings

[translora]

I could forget about the need to transition when I was with people, at times, but when left alone it haunted my mind constantly.

I've noticed this pattern in myself also, and haven't heard it mentioned a lot on this board.

Basically, I've built a successful masculine persona which is fully functional and kicks in whenever I'm with other people. The dysphoria is temporarily forgotten, and I am able to function (if somewhat dishonestly) in the world.

As soon as I'm alone again the dysphoria returns, now with regrets over macho things I may have said or done to protect my secret, or opportunities missed to integrate my two selves.

When I'm in public, transition sometimes seems silly, pointless and misguided: "I can't ever be a woman, so why would I want to go through all that work? After all, I've finally figured out how to function as a man, so why disrupt that? What's really the difference anyway? I'll still be the same person, but my relationship to the world will be so much more complicated."

When I'm in private, I long to never need that masculine overlay again, and I have answers to all of those issues: "Being a woman is inside, and I can be whatever I want inside. Being able to 'function' as a man pales in comparison to 'thriving' as a woman. The difference is all in point of view, and being able to genuinely and emotionally connect with everything. I'll be a better person, and what the world thinks doesn't much matter."

When I move from private to public space, the shift is so automatic that it seems almost beyond my control. The only time it doesn't happen, is when I go out presenting as a transwoman -- which is just wonderful, but logistically risky right now (until I am fully out).

I don't think there's a question about whether I'm experiencing actual gender dysphoria, but I vacillate back and forth on how or if it should be treated. And I vacillate on whether the costs outweigh the benefits -- which is hard to do without deeply understanding either side of that equation.

Lora
http://translora.wordpress.com

[Christine]

Has your stress level changed recently?   Sometimes mine would go up and down with changes in stress levels but I don't remember it ever disappearing totally. It always remained in the background.

[Rita]

Sometimes a bit of a front is neccesary for our safety.  I just call it survival mode~  Its all a part of our journey to hopefully be full time.

Its unfortunate but as we all know the world aint peaches and rainbows.

[Nathine]

That's why there is need for a therapist. That's why there are frustrating guidelines. Once you transition, there is no going back, or at least not the way you were originally.

[Rita]

Well transitioning is a volatile period where you are stuck between 2 worlds and 1 truth.

Who you once were, who you will become, and who you really are.

[Kevin Peña]

Honestly, I know I want to go through transition, but when I have hangups about it being too difficult, I get pissed off that I would be thinking like that. I know for sure I want to transition; I don't need a therapist for that. I will say, though, that accepting yourself is a huge step and ever since I accepted myself, my tension over transition dropped immensely because I know it will be coming eventually. The closest I've ever come to doubt was questioning whether or not I should transition because I don't feel that I would kill myself without it, almost like I don't want it enough. I've always had this sort of problem that I would never worry over what is certain. Given my behavior, it seems like I am currently almost neutral about transition, even though I know I wish to go through with it. Although I have come to grips that I will never be a woman, from a purely technical, biological standpoint. From a philosophical, social standpoint I could be. I never wanted to transition to be a woman, though. I just want to live and be treated as one.

Just my $0.02.

[JoanneB]

I've never been all in on transition. Even back in my 20's when it was a lot easier, I ran tests. Tried part time, HRT, tried dating guys, etc.. Both times falling back onto it was easier and safer to try being a guy. Now some 30 years later I am again, and even more seriously looking at transitioning. Especially now that I see it is a very real possibility. I do live part time, I seem to pass, I seem to be accepted as a woman. So far no hassles at all in hillbilly country. Tons easier than 30 years ago just 2 miles from NYC.

Yet, while my RLE has been in somewhat controlled situations I think, perhaps I can someday. As I think more and more about it suddenly now it is "WTF ARE YOU THINKING!" Followed by the long litany of reasons, some very valid, and excuses why not. I go into a self denial,. Essentially going back to the tried and true faking being a guy. THese episodes usually come on the heels of some realization like "Hey, I am really actually passing!" which makes transition much more than some pipe dream. The other times it is a direct result of events on the home front.

As a few others noted, being alone with your own thoughts is the worse. Being out and around others, playing the role of a guy is easy. I've been been a chemeleon for a good 50 years. My dysphoria hit its peak 3 years ago after having to move out of state in order to be gainfully employed. Some 350 miles away I left a semi-invalid wife, a house, a mortgage, a...... a lot. This same semi-seperation has also afforded me the freedom to once again confront my demon head on. And it is a very scary demon. When I am back home on weekends or vaca (having giant honey-do lists to attend to) my mind never wanders towards my trans issues. Perhaps thanks to the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial. Much of my 5 plus hour drive to my other home, alone, is with tear filled eyes.

I have great valid reasons to move forward, I have just as many great valid reasons to kick myself in the ass for being a self-deluded idiot. The choice ultimately comes down to where will I achieve the most joy and happiness in my life. Sadly, I don't feel I deserve any between being trans, a fake, living a life of lies, and especially hurting the one person whose love, support and friendship means more to me than anything else.

And yes, she knows, mostly supports me. Her main concern is for my safety followed by my happiness.

[Carlita]

I've never been all in on transition. Even back in my 20's when it was a lot easier, I ran tests. Tried part time, HRT, tried dating guys, etc.. Both times falling back onto it was easier and safer to try being a guy. Now some 30 years later I am again, and even more seriously looking at transitioning. Especially now that I see it is a very real possibility. I do live part time, I seem to pass, I seem to be accepted as a woman. So far no hassles at all in hillbilly country. Tons easier than 30 years ago just 2 miles from NYC.

Yet, while my RLE has been in somewhat controlled situations I think, perhaps I can someday. As I think more and more about it suddenly now it is "WTF ARE YOU THINKING!" Followed by the long litany of reasons, some very valid, and excuses why not. I go into a self denial,. Essentially going back to the tried and true faking being a guy. THese episodes usually come on the heels of some realization like "Hey, I am really actually passing!" which makes transition much more than some pipe dream. The other times it is a direct result of events on the home front.

As a few others noted, being alone with your own thoughts is the worse. Being out and around others, playing the role of a guy is easy. I've been been a chemeleon for a good 50 years. My dysphoria hit its peak 3 years ago after having to move out of state in order to be gainfully employed. Some 350 miles away I left a semi-invalid wife, a house, a mortgage, a...... a lot. This same semi-seperation has also afforded me the freedom to once again confront my demon head on. And it is a very scary demon. When I am back home on weekends or vaca (having giant honey-do lists to attend to) my mind never wanders towards my trans issues. Perhaps thanks to the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial. Much of my 5 plus hour drive to my other home, alone, is with tear filled eyes.

I have great valid reasons to move forward, I have just as many great valid reasons to kick myself in the ass for being a self-deluded idiot. The choice ultimately comes down to where will I achieve the most joy and happiness in my life. Sadly, I don't feel I deserve any between being trans, a fake, living a life of lies, and especially hurting the one person whose love, support and friendship means more to me than anything else.

And yes, she knows, mostly supports me. Her main concern is for my safety followed by my happiness.

Thank you, thank you, thank you ... I could relate to every word, and it's posts like this that make me realise I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. And that is a HUGE help x

[Tanya]

I too can very much relate to this.  I also know that I would not pass due to my height, so the idea of never really fitting in is a tough one to deal with. 
I am  on E and have been for a while, which makes me feel better.   I run better on E than on T but still present as male.  Its tough, but I am getting to accept myself more and more.

I've never been all in on transition. Even back in my 20's when it was a lot easier, I ran tests. Tried part time, HRT, tried dating guys, etc.. Both times falling back onto it was easier and safer to try being a guy. Now some 30 years later I am again, and even more seriously looking at transitioning. Especially now that I see it is a very real possibility. I do live part time, I seem to pass, I seem to be accepted as a woman. So far no hassles at all in hillbilly country. Tons easier than 30 years ago just 2 miles from NYC.

Yet, while my RLE has been in somewhat controlled situations I think, perhaps I can someday. As I think more and more about it suddenly now it is "WTF ARE YOU THINKING!" Followed by the long litany of reasons, some very valid, and excuses why not. I go into a self denial,. Essentially going back to the tried and true faking being a guy. THese episodes usually come on the heels of some realization like "Hey, I am really actually passing!" which makes transition much more than some pipe dream. The other times it is a direct result of events on the home front.

As a few others noted, being alone with your own thoughts is the worse. Being out and around others, playing the role of a guy is easy. I've been been a chemeleon for a good 50 years. My dysphoria hit its peak 3 years ago after having to move out of state in order to be gainfully employed. Some 350 miles away I left a semi-invalid wife, a house, a mortgage, a...... a lot. This same semi-seperation has also afforded me the freedom to once again confront my demon head on. And it is a very scary demon. When I am back home on weekends or vaca (having giant honey-do lists to attend to) my mind never wanders towards my trans issues. Perhaps thanks to the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial. Much of my 5 plus hour drive to my other home, alone, is with tear filled eyes.

I have great valid reasons to move forward, I have just as many great valid reasons to kick myself in the ass for being a self-deluded idiot. The choice ultimately comes down to where will I achieve the most joy and happiness in my life. Sadly, I don't feel I deserve any between being trans, a fake, living a life of lies, and especially hurting the one person whose love, support and friendship means more to me than anything else.

And yes, she knows, mostly supports me. Her main concern is for my safety followed by my happiness.

[Nathine]

In the long run, if you don't take care of yourself first, then nothing else really matters. Depression, frustration, and ideation become increasing frequent as the need seems to grow, and eventually you either do it or end up a statistic. Usually it takes a major incident in life to say, now is the time. Most who are in transition have had this experience, of loss, near death, extreme stress etc, and that seems to push you over the edge for Now or Never. Until you reach that time, there is the waffle effect, justification, denial, and anger.

[Sara Murphy]

In the long run, if you don't take care of yourself first, then nothing else really matters. Depression, frustration, and ideation become increasing frequent as the need seems to grow, and eventually you either do it or end up a statistic. Usually it takes a major incident in life to say, now is the time. Most who are in transition have had this experience, of loss, near death, extreme stress etc, and that seems to push you over the edge for Now or Never. Until you reach that time, there is the waffle effect, justification, denial, and anger.

This is something that I was trying to figure out about myself when I created my "Breaking Points" thread.  After reading through them I know that I have not reached that point yet.  I just am afraid of getting to the point of a suicide attempt to make up my mind.  I would rather figure it out before I get down to that low of a point.

Has your stress level changed recently?   Sometimes mine would go up and down with changes in stress levels but I don't remember it ever disappearing totally. It always remained in the background.

Stress level has remained about the same really.  School, money, and life worries are always there.  However, I have been about as busy as I have been in about a year lately.  Someone posted here said that when they are busy the thoughts will recede into the background for a while.  Maybe that is all it was because over the last couple days the ole' voices in the shadows have returned to once again start whispering in my ear. 

I know roller coasters are fun, but sheesh...

[Carlita]

School, money, and life worries are always there.  However, I have been about as busy as I have been in about a year lately.  Someone posted here said that when they are busy the thoughts will recede into the background for a while.  Maybe that is all it was because over the last couple days the ole' voices in the shadows have returned to once again start whispering in my ear. 

I know roller coasters are fun, but sheesh...

Hi Sara ... since you talk about school worries, I figure you're about a million years younger than me (!) so here's some advice I can give with the benefit of hindsight ...

Those 'voices in the shadows' absolutely won't go away.

You can try to lock them in a dungeon, deep inside yourself, you can bind them in chains and put stakes through their hearts ... but they will come back.

You can try to be 'a real man' and have a wife and kids, and it can work - for a while - but the voices will still come back ... and the more you try to silence them, the harder they bite you when they get out and start rampaging around your brain and your gut.

If you think you can live with that, fine ... I tried and in some ways I don't regret it because I've had a great life (aside from the GID making me nuts) and have a family I love ... but in other ways it's the greatest regret of my life.

What I'm saying is, the sooner you accept yourself, and the fewer commitments or involvements you have created when you reach that point, the better it's going to be.

I wish you all the wisdom and good fortune in the world because this is the biggest decision you are ever going to make and I really, really hope that whatever you decide, it brings you happiness and peace of mind.

[Sara Murphy]

Hi Sara ... since you talk about school worries, I figure you're about a million years younger than me (!) so here's some advice I can give with the benefit of hindsight ...

Well, unfortunately, I am not all that young.  I am 37.  I have gone back to school for a new degree because, surprisingly enough, a communications degree with a minor in audio production is not a needed skill set in these times.  But I digress...

I have to say that for whatever reason your words seem to have resonated with me the most.  Not that I am not grateful for everyone else's opinion.

What that momentary lapse seems to have shown me is that I, most likely, will not be able to walk down that path of transition.  No matter what angle I look at it I just do not see it as a possibility.  Folks can tell me that height, age, weight, face, mannerisms, voice, money, social acceptability, etc. are things that I should not worry about and/or they will come with time and experience.  And, God I wish that I could see it that way, but at some point I have to be realistic with myself.   

If you think you can live with that, fine ... I tried and in some ways I don't regret it because I've had a great life (aside from the GID making me nuts) and have a family I love ... but in other ways it's the greatest regret of my life.

To this extent I believe that I have already sacrificed a lot.  Where you say that you have been successful as a man, I can not make that same statement.  I have existed in a self imposed seclusion for a very long time...most of my time in fact.  That is not to say that I am a shut in.  I can function in society perfectly fine.  I am an expert at putting on a "good face" at work or in short public outings.  However, I have not been able to keep legitimate employment for more then five years at a time.  I do not have any SO to speak of and have not perused one in this century.  All of this, possibly, because I do not know the person I am supposed to be.  Sure I think I am TG, but I could as easily be a cat trapped in a humans body...how the heck do I know.  I don't know what I am.  And, having read many of the accounts here and elsewhere that proves to be a very good indicator of GID.  That is why I am exploring this avenue.  Although being a cat would be kind of cool I think. Without getting into my background or personal life, but surfice it to say that I was given ever advantage and opportunity to succeed in this world and I have failed at every corner.  All that stemming from those voices who have pulled a Houdini on the locks of their chains.  I have come to the point of acceptance of what I am, but now I am in desperate need of finding a way to deal with it.  That is what has become all consuming and it has become very tiring and draining.

I do not know where you stand in transition, but I will ask you this since you have caught my attention with your post.  If you can not transition how do you deal with it?  You said that it can be buried with work and becoming 'a real man' but that is not a permanent solution.  What do I do with the rest of my life knowing what I know about myself, but no recourse to remedy the situation?  Sure I could be a friend to the community and do what I can for others, but I have a feeling that if I am around others who were able to and brave enough to transition that that would send me deeper into depression.  I feel like I am in a catch-22.  A loop with no end.

I am as rational a person that you will probably ever converse with but, I am at a loss right now.

Hummm...I seem to have deviated from my own original post.  Maybe I should start this as its own topic.

[Kadri]

This is a very difficult topic. One can never make other's decisions for them or read their minds. My own experience was that it hit me so hard one day that I knew I could never live as a male again. I hadn't even thought of dressing as a conscious need until seven or eight months before that day, and I was consumed with self-doubt as to what I was during that period. That day was liberating and at the same time terrifying, because I knew there would be pain and loss involved, and that it would alter my life completely.

If you haven't come to that kind of crisis point where you are compelled to make a decision to transition no matter what, then why do it? What's so wrong with being like you are now?

There are many people who flip-flop back and forth between wanting to transition and not over very long periods of time, sometimes for ever. In many ways I feel life is more difficult for these people who need to go back and forth than for those who are compelled to take permanent action. I am not sure, but sometimes I think people are more accepting of transsexualism than they are of crossdressing or bigenderism or any binary-challenging behaviour. That may not be the case in the US, but it seems to be so here. Also once you have come out as anything, then it is difficult to go back and make others forget that it ever happened. There is also a problem when you end up living a life where you are mostly happy and functioning as a male, and you know that people around you will have some objection to you if you come out. If you ever hit the point where you know you can't live life as a male ever again, then none of this will matter any more, and you'll have to do it no matter what.

If you aren't sure about what you want to do right now, you can always take action with things you are sure about. If you know you will always like dressing, then how about getting rid of facial hair? Do you ever want to have that again? Or you could even just start taking care of you skin without taking any further steps. These are the sort of things no-one really notices, and are sort of like transitioning without transitioning. Only you know and only you benefit. Maybe it will lead on to wanting something else, or maybe not. 

[PaigeMtl]

Every one has brought amazing feedback to this post and I'm probably not adding anything new but I'd still like to share as a sign of support.

I am going through that experience too at the moment.
Things where very new and exciting in the beginning but there comes a point where a part of me started letting go of what I relied on (or was expected) from the past 40 years trying to be a man, which leaves me also lost at times. Testing the waters was fun but diving in is a whole different thing. The big scary Unknown creates resistance.

It releases some of the pressure to spend a day or two in drab in public..even if it feels like a step back. I try and take that time to connect with how I'm feeling inside and projecting femininity outwards rather than depending on my external appearance. Of course that is easier said than done.

[Michelle G]

Those 'voices in the shadows' absolutely won't go away.

You can try to lock them in a dungeon, deep inside yourself, you can bind them in chains and put stakes through their hearts ... but they will come back.

You can try to be 'a real man' and have a wife and kids, and it can work - for a while - but the voices will still come back ... and the more you try to silence them, the harder they bite you when they get out and start rampaging around your brain and your gut.

If you think you can live with that, fine ... I tried and in some ways I don't regret it because I've had a great life (aside from the GID making me nuts) and have a family I love ... but in other ways it's the greatest regret of my life.

What I'm saying is, the sooner you accept yourself, and the fewer commitments or involvements you have created when you reach that point, the better it's going to be.

It really eases my mind and makes me feel so much better to hear others have similar thoughts and experiences!

And some of you are so much more elequent in your putting words down than I ever will be..and I am very grateful for that!

[Beth Andrea]

37 isn't old!  (I'm 48)...and wanting to be a woman "part time" (i.e., not transitioning) doesn't make one a "fat old man pervert"...just a couple thoughts! 

I never had any sense of being a "man" (or a "woman", for that matter). When I decided to transition, it was because the idea of presenting as a man is, by necessity, a false presentation.

I am *not* a man. Never have been, despite decades of trying.   

Given the choice of being a man--or woman--physically and emotionally, being a woman would be the one I would (and did) choose. Emotionally, there was no need to change/adjust anything; no one has ever admired me for my manly behaviors, but everyone who stayed around long enough to know me mentioned my "female" behaviors.

Physically, I became appalled at all manly accoutrements that I had (body hair, muscles, whiskers, BO, etc), and wanted a definitely more fem body...although SRS wasn't desired at first, the longer I'm femme the less comfortable I am with "those parts."

Yes, there was a period where I went "What am I doing? HRT? WHY? maybe I should just wear guy clothes, and ditch the earrings..." But, when I went to work without earrings or nail polish, I found myself making an emergency stop at drug stores to buy a set of earrings and nail polish.

So yeah, going back and forth is just a recognition that you're looking at big changes...caution is always the best way of doing things when permanent changes are thought about.