Quote from: Joann on September 28, 2012, 07:05:17 AM
Not puberty. Just turned 51. Feels like a Psychological thing going on inside of my head. I also am out of a medicine i take for MS but it also has a anti-depressant component. Should feel better soon.
I have run into a brick wall with HRT. Wife says NO WAY... but Im not throwing in the towel. The brief time i spent with E was like living a different life. I felt a mental clarity and peace with myself that was like waking up from a bad dream. I WILL try hormones to see if it works for me. I just have to be patient.
It sounds like you are on the right track Joann.
One of the most important gift that came to me out of having to face my gender issues, was a huge change in my personal, inner life: like every adult everywhere eventually has to do (I just did it 25 years late!) I learned that it is not only OK, but essential, that I fully own my own body, my own skin, my own medical decisions, and my own life decisions.
When we live our lives denying fundamental needs in ourselves, we can lose touch with this fact: my body, my decision. My life, my decision.
When I stopped asking for permission for decisions that are only mine to make, my life got a whole lot better. Coincidentally, my marriage also improved. See, if people can't maintain and respect each other's basic human autonomy, it isn't much of a marriage. Lack of basic boundaries can make resentment flow both ways.
First among those fundamental rights of every adult, is a fundamental right to make medical decisions for myself. (It is even illegal in the US for a health professional to disclose or discuss my medical issues and treatment with my spouse unless I give them express written permission to do so, and even then my permission automatically expires after a short time. This is because even our society recognizes that no adult should be beholden to a spouse or any other person when they make their medical decisions for themselves.) I didn't ask my wife to allow me to start hormones or anti-androgens; it was not and is not her body, her health, or her gender dysphoria. I did out of courtesy chose to tell her that I started once I did, but that was my choice because I wanted to share with her how much better I felt. I made it clear that I was not asking her permission, any more than she needed mine to make decisions about her health and medical care. I have chosen to tell her what my care path will probably take, but those decisions are between me and my healthcare professionals, with the final decisions in my hands as they should be.
It was a relief to her that one, the fear of my imminent transition was no longer looming (it happened and wasn't so bad after all), and two, that it was my decision and she didn't have to feel that she was responsible either for holding me back and thus potentially hurting me, or giving her approval that she might not be ready to approve now or ever. Acceptance is easier than approval, and comes first for most people. Much easier when I started making decisions, and she could simply decide when it happened if she could handle being with me, which is of course her choice.
A spouse can kind of be in the same position emotionally that the parent of a teenager is, learning to let their child have increasing autonomy so that they can grow into a fully responsible and capable adult. It is hard to let go and learn to trust one's child to make the right choices for themselves.
