So basically I'm 20 (21 in 3 months) and there's a whole heap to this story so I'll start at the beginning.
At 17 I moved away from home to start college in Dublin away from my family in the west of Ireland. The course was Film, Drama and Literature. I passed the first year of the three year course just fine and even did a play with the Drama soc and it was a lead role.
Second year rolled round and my metal health problems took over aka my depression and it manifested itself as lack of motivation of not doing assignments/studying and spending all day in my college dorm in bed/watching TV.
Due to this my department head and I decided that it would be best to defer the year and start a fresh again in September so that year never happened. All I needed was a letter from my Gender therapist which I saw weekly and I didn't even have to pay any fees to repeat my second year. The college was very supportive with everything, like beyond there call of duty. The reasoning behind my depression among loads of millions of other things is the fact I'm trans or at the time confused and closeted but they supported me in my issues/coming out completely, even changed my name on the register without the need of a deed poll.
However since the depression year I joined a support/social LGBT youth group and its kind of taken over my life and opened up some of the best opportunities of my life. I also volunteered quite heavily with lots of other organisations. Not only has it made my CV awesome and stimulated me it has given me for the first time in my life friends. I'm still a kissless virgin but I'll get back to that lonely problem at a later date lol I'm working on it. Anyway I've never been happier or busier.
Through the youth group I also secured major funding for a short film which I wrote/directed/produced and comply project managed and it's in the middle of editing now.
However since I was so busy my college career took a back seat so now I don't no what to do.
Basically I haven't done all my assignments to pass the last semester yet. I made my department head aware of my circumstances back in late august and he said it was fine just get the last five essays in asap. It's now the first of October and I still don't have any handed in. I started one and have a few hundred words done but that's it. Classes for this semester already started so it's probably now too late for me to even try. The thing is I don't even know if I want to. I feel embarssed that i failed, depressed and upset about having to confront my parents about this.
Annoyingly all the assignments I have done I've got A's and high B's in. But those classes were creative writing/film making related.
Then again I feel like I've learned everything from my course and in my last year there won't even be any practical classes as in filming making or creative wring and that's what I plan to do as a career. Also I've also started my career outside college with my film though it may not open any doors for me you never know. I'm also more than motivated to fundraise/secure funding for my next production.
Also in June I had to move home to save money with the plan in moving back in September when college started again but since I've got here all I've done was continue working on my film and staying in bed/eating I've been piling on the pounds. I never leave my house mainly because I've no friends here, they're all in Dublin. So I'm been feeling pretty awful here. With suicidal thoughts once or twice. Hadn't had those since the dark year.
I just don't know what to do. I'm too upset and scared to talk to my parents to tell them that I failed.
But the more attractive offer to me then doing a course that I'm not interested in or have the motivation for is to go and live my life and sign on for social welfare and get a cheap bedsit in Dublin. Start looking or a job/finish my editing my film/write/read/volunteer. Then start a creative writing course in January/next September. Not a Level 8 Degree like I've started already but an evening once or a couple of times a week class or even a certificate/diploma course. Then during the day I can work either in a minimum wage job some place or try and crack into film crews/sets. And if i can't get paid work I'll write, volunteer and on my own project/make my own work and sign on if I have to.
My dream is to write novels and screenplays and to make them films and I feel if I drop out of college I'll be able to focus on reading and writing more(which I need to do to expand my own skills and talent) and also to go to a writing class to get proper criticism from someone to see if I'm actually cut out for this career/learn the relevant skills. Then hopefully during that time think of another short film idea and make it all the while working away at my blockbuster Hollywood scripts that may never see the light of day. I just want to live my life already!
I need some insight into any part of this mess!?!?!
Also if need more info on my confusion just ask. Theres loads more to it. I just said I'd stop boring you. : ) Thanks
