Today I played this weird game called Super Mario Brothers. It is for a system called the Nintendo. Let it be known that I found this game to be absolutely terrible. For starters it involves a tripped out guy in red overalls eating mushrooms and spitting fire at terribly animated creatures. I can not tell what these creatures were, I saw the turtles but they again looked terrible. This is 2012 and they are still allowing games like this to be made? I trucked on, I soon found myself coming up on a gap in the game. Surely I could have grappled across it or used a portal to form another portal on the otherside but no. This fat plumber who is easily over 250 pounds manages to jump clear across a hole that was over 4 times wider than him. No this was not the height of ridiculousness, no I soon found that at the end of the level you yanked a flag down the pole. Aside from being a silly thing unto itself it was blatantly anti American. It was teaching kids that jumping and kicking your enemies was the way to go and that yanking flags down poles was noble.
I found myself reaching the weirdness, I dropped down the hole and this conjoined creature was coming at me. I jumped on one and he smooshed but the other stilled continued after me. I hid on top of the glowing blocks. Clearly he was sharing a brain with his now dead brother because he just continued on like a dope. On top of this game being terribly animated, promoting violence against people and turtles, encouraging drug use and tearing up flags it was now encouraging me to beat up the handicapped. I had to continue to see what other horrors this game had to show.
I made my way to the big castle and found that it was also cliched. there was lava here and yep you guessed it, lava balls spitting out of the fire. Clearly this game was hackneyed and ripped off other better games like Sonic the Hedgehog and Halo. I crossed bridges, jumped impossible gaps only to find that I had broken into the home of a lizard man. Clearly he was infuriated with me and was spitting fire at me. Understandably so, I had stolen his "shrooms" and money. "This game is now encouraging breaking and entering...."I thought. I jumped over him to avoid him, maybe give him back his druggery and money that I had looted from his castle only to find that I landed on a axe that had killed him. This game is pure evil. I cannot even imagine what awaits next. I killed a lizard man for protecting his home. How sick is this game?
Then it happened, he had apparently kidnapped a child and stuffed him in a bag for some nefarious deed. Perhaps this game wasn't so bad, I just saved a child wearing a odd hat from a deviant lizard man. I felt better, then the child told me the princess was in another castle. Are you telling me that I must break more laws? Are there more lizard people out there kidnapping children? I had to find out, I continued on, wondering who this princess was, why was I saving her? Didn't she have a knight? Was I the knight? There was hardly a story to this game. Finally I burgled all the castles and defeated all the deviant lizards and saved the princess. I had beaten a very odd game.
So in short, I will give Super mario Brothers a 8/10, despite it teaching bad things to children, it let me beat up evil lizards who kidnapped children. You cannot put a price on that.
