A real update on my personal life:
Recently my city had an international art competition called Artprize and I was featured in it. The piece that I was in was selected for the top 5 juried 2D award category, but it didn't win (out of 1,500 or so pieces of art). I was fine with the fact that it didn't win due to ¾ of the city I live in have now seen my chest, completely nude and in their faces, without it going completely international. A lot of people are recognizing the piece of art that I was featured in and either congratulating me or going silent/ whispering while looking at me when I walk into a room... it's been a strange battle, but I'm trying to be determined about it and proud of what I did, knowing that it could change a younger gender queer/ androgynous/ transman's perspective on presentation and confrontation to the general public... if interested, here is the link to the piece (or what was allowed on-line)
http://www.artprize.org/lora-robertson/2012/identity-process-kings-queensOn another note: I finally admitted to a girl I'd been in love with for four years, and she had been crushing on me for five, that I was in love with her, and after dating for a few weeks, she decided that even though she loved me, she couldn't be with me because I am mostly male identified. That was a big kick in the gut. Trying to say, "hey, forget about her, there are more chicks worth your time," is a difficult concept with this one. We know that we are in love, and really good when we are together. It's basically coming down to her identity as a full lesbian, and now I'm trying to just accept that. Which may be easier in any other circumstance besides this week...
Monday, a very close friend, and previous lover, that I had an extreme connection to, died. She was an amazing person, and completely in love with me. I felt like I couldn't reciprocate that love because I knew she was in such an unstable position mentally and physically. She was an Iraqi Army war veteran who had been shot, stabbed, fallen wrong out of an airplane, recovered just to have her parachute fail 50 meters off the ground, and blown up to survive with shrapnel still embedded in her brain... she died of a cold/infection right after a surgery to re-open her throat so she could breathe properly again. She was one of two to come back from Iraq in her unit 2 years ago. It's incredibly unfair, and I feel very bitter about the world in general right now because of it. She was an incredibly loyal and heartfelt person and I still care deeply about her. I've been a mess since she passed away.
I'm still plucking along. I'm still trying to live with all of this, plus more. I think I would just like other people who kind of understand what I'm going through, at least in some aspects, to know that I'm fighting the uphill battle too.
There are body bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and crying for a week straight, and I'm still struggling to make it through. I think I just need the added support.
