First post here...

[ALe]

Hello all,

I have been coming to these forums for a very long time, but never had the guts to post anything. Not sure what made me get up the nerve today, but here it is. Maybe I'm just finally hitting my limit, I don't really know.

I'm a thirty three year old woman, married to a wonderful man. We have a comfortable life that I am very grateful for. But I think, and I think I've known this for about the last twenty years or so, that on the inside I am a gay man. I have always felt that I didn't belong inside this body, and I have tried for a very long time to push those feelings away. Yet all my friends are gay men, I'm only attracted to gay men, and I fantasize about being a gay man all of the time, even when I am with my husband. For a long time I thought maybe I was a lesbian, and I experimented with other women before I was married and it was definitely not for me. But the more gay friends I made, the more I realized I was just like them, and I finally felt like I belonged, that I finally understood where I needed to be. But I am a conservative married woman, and knowing this about myself - I also know it is not something I can ever share with my family. I would hate to ruin lives, and I think maybe it is easier to just continue on with my life as it is. I'm not unhappy, I just feel a little sad. Anyway, sorry for my long post. Just wanted to share, see what anyone's thoughts were, if anyone has gone through this kind of situation before. Thanks for reading and please feel free to e-mail if you'd like to discuss more in depth.

A. Le
writera.le@gmail.com

[justmeinoz]

Hello and welcome.  Your story sounds fairly typical really from what I have seen here.  Sometimes it takes a while for reality to come to the surface. 
I guess the question is whether you love your husband, and how he would react to you revealing your true self to him.  If you want to stay together then I guess you are already in a gay marriage, so you are half way there socially.  It is then a matter of working out how your relationship will change, if at all.
I have a friend who doesn't consider herself trans, but would like to have a mastectomy as she doesn't feel her breasts belong to her.  She identifies as Butch rather than a woman per se, so doesn't really see Lesbian as a valid self-description.
I have recently started to move away from the concept of gender altogether, so sexual orientation becomes problematical as well.  The closest I can come to a self-description that is comprehensible is Genderqueer and Pansexual. 
As long as you and your husband remember you love one another and keep that in mind you shopuld be able to work something out.

Karen.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi A. Le,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8466 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

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Janet 

[sneakersjay]

I would definitely recommend a good gender counselor to sort out your feelings.  (older guy here).  Only you can figure out what you need, if you can continue as you are and be happy, or if (eventually) you need to transition.  Everybody is different.

I was in a straight marriage for over 15 years.  Fortunately I was divorced before the transition process began.  But it was only after my divorce that I could fully think about and confront feelings I had my entire life: that since a very young age I always thought I was a boy and at puberty went through severe depression and anorexia then bulimia and a lot of self hatred about my body.  I never knew what being trans was, and it wasn't until my late 40s that I discovered my lifelong feelings had a name, and that things could be fixed.

After transition I realized I was still attracted solely to men, and that meant I was gay.  That was a whole nother issue to deal with, as I grew up in a religious, straight-laced family and only had a few aquaintances and clients who were gay; I never was part of the community.

I am now in a great gay relationship with an awesome man.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  Even my kids say we were meant for each other.  Meanwhile, my ex is with another woman.

I know that for me, I loathed my F body, never thought it belonged to me, and always felt like some sort of alien.  I used to think if I just femmed it up enough, that I would finally fit.  I went through periods of time where I watched What Not to Wear, tried to take their advice, spent hundreds on a new wardrobe, only to realize the clothes made my skin crawl, even if I looked great to outsiders.

Now I am just me, comfortable in my own skin and with who I am.  If you knew me before, as the straight-laced honor student, you'd never ever have guessed I'd be happiest as a gay man.

Jay

PS Congrats, Janet, on becoming a vet tech!

[aleon515]

You might also read the androgyne forum. You may feel akin to some people here. Actually you sound very much like a lot of people here.

Hating your body is something very much in common with others here as well. Sexual orientation is something actually quite a lot different, you will find. There is a lot out here to read. You will find lots of info out there and some of it is actually correct.

I also "found out" about this really later in life and was just a few months ago too. It has been like the old amusement park ride called the "Wild Mouse" (lots of hairpin turns at breathtaking speeds).


BTW, never a good idea to post your email address-- to ANY group online or post your email address anywhere. (Regardless of rules.) It isn't safe. Any of these groups are open in the sense that you can google them. If you want to email someone here we have a PM function. I have emailed people here but only after I got to know them via the PM.

--Jay J

[Natkat]

hi and wellcome you sound very much like a person I know, wellcome to susan

[ALe]

Thanks for the replies, and to Natkat, yes. As well as several other websites.

A. Le