hy hello there interweb folks! Im just another 22 year old Mtf who is slowly coming to terms with my self and such. yadda yadda yadda same old story it seams but with a few deeply personal differences and all. I like most of yall it seems, had inklings that something just wasent quite right from quite a young age. I wasent quite sure what it was but hey! who does when your 8? Now it seems painfully obvious that i was trans by 7-8 grade but i refused to acknowledge such a thing and buried it deeper than deep so that by the time i was 15 i was just a plain miserable person to be around im sure, quite angry, hateful, bigoted, and moody....
then i ended my self imposed abstinence from mind altering substances when i turned 18, (i said no booze till 18 IDK why exactly but i did.. prolly a darn good thing id say). well it diddint take long for alcohol to become a problem.. puking darn near every time id touch the stuff (and not after one or two drinks... alcoholism tends to run in the family you know). about the same time i stumbled upon the song "return trip" by electric wizard... and by golly when i heard that first down tuned fuzzed out note i said "this! this the sound ive been looking for!" well they turned me on to weed and from there Pandora's box was opened.. i went from one drug to another trying desperately to find "happiness" or at least drown the pain. What "Pain" i did not know (i had buried any realization that i could be trans WAAAYY down in there). 1/8 of weed a day.. booze on the weekends. tried coke and crack didint like either of them.. had to quit pot due to drug testing at work.. got hooked on that Fake weed stuff back in the summer of 2010, (F that stuff man that's almost the worst stuff out there) and started spiraling out of control (as if i were in control to begin with, hoping the drugs would just take me peacefully and such).
About this time i started wondering what was wrong with me and why i was doing to myself what i was.. i thought hallucinogens might give me the answer.. (Ego death, sudden realizations and so on and worse case senerio id end up in the loony bin which didint sound so bad) well, shrooms, a week of rolling on extacy, and dropping acid didint help.
around the same time i dabbled with the worst drug yet. scratch that.. EVER. heroin. i found that heroin could take it all away. everything. all of it. now. gone. no pain, no feeling, no anxiety. no nothing. just peace, a false, drug induced state of "peace". it didint help that i had thrown by back out 2 years previously and i had been is some degree of constant pain ever sence, until one line of smack KOed the back pain. fortunately i have the greatest friends anyone could ask for and they helped me put that crap down after 2 bags. But around this time every thing that i had been burring began to claw its way out.
well here i am almost 2 years out from that low point and im doing well i guess. I found God, (or he found me), I havent gone deep into a drug binge in a year, (at least not a hard drug binge) i have had a few pot smoking spells... and im slowly working on coming out. ive told 2 people, both close friends, one went and told his girlfriend... so 3 folks know.. im working on gatherin up the courage to tell a few more friends, most not nearly as close as the first 2, curious to see how thats gonna turn out. i suppose i have to tell the folks (parents) at some point... but that terrifies the crap out of me... like seriously i cant even do it in my dreams when presented with obvious evidence. like going to eat breakfast with a bra on.. Lolz.
so yeah... just tryin do do my thing even if i dont know what my thing is... some days i look in the mirror and see elements i love. some days i look in the mirror and well... lets not talk about those days. I guess you can call me dangerbird at the moment... I had been toying with the name Samantha for a long while but out of nowhere a week or so ago when talking to myself i referred to "her" as Brittany so... who knows.. im just winging this here if you cant tell.. heck why not its worked for me so far...
sorry for the book yall... if your still readin.. i guess i needed to blow off some steam/vent/whatever. i tend to be a little gabby... but yeah. thats me. Hi!
