Broken hearted - losing wife

[Rita]

I have more than a few choice words, but I am also young and quite resilient.  I mean our base personality profile doesn't shift all that much.

For instance, if your an optimistic hard worker pre-transition, you should be an optimistic hard worker post transition.  Of course the expression of our personality will become more natural much like letting out your gut after a date.  Nothing to pretend otherwise anymore. 

It is funny, where most of us are selfless.  We don't want to hurt anymore, yet some of the ones we are closest to are so selfish only worried about their own status in the world. 

Unfortunately, transitioning will not leave everyone unharmed but thats not our fault because we cannot live for their approval ^^

[RedFox]

Carlita:  Yeah, I have guilt too.  For the pain I've caused.  I know on a philosophical and logical level that she chooses to feel as she does and react as she has, and I can't control how she reacts to the world and the events around her (even if initiated by me).  But on a gut emotional level?  I've caused the woman I love a great deal of pain - oh yeah.. lotsa heartache and guilt.

Rita:  I've always considered myself pretty selfless, but I think my definition of that word is different than other peoples.  More than once I've given my last dollar to a homeless guy or girl (even when i was homeless myself).  But only I can live my life and provide for my needs - so yeah, I take care of myself first most of the time.  Doesn't the stewardess (excuse me flight attendant) always say put the mask on yourself first before putting it on your kids?  Of course.  If you're falling apart because you neglect yourself your in no position to take care of others effectively.

What kind of example do I set for my kids if I can't manage my own life?  My health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual has to be a priority.

I really hope my wife uses that enormous brain of hers and gets past her pain enough to get educated.  Maybe then she'll realize that I'm simply trying to find the true center of myself that's been eluding me all my life.  The root of the issue has nothing to do with her.

And the sad part of this (I'm just realizing) is that all the pain she's feeling now is because she's anticipating the future pain!  I haven't actually taken ONE physical step towards transitioning yet!  (due to location and circumstance more than choice)

She can't even laugh at my stupid jokes about her panties not fitting me!

[pretty]

I really hope my wife uses that enormous brain of hers and gets past her pain enough to get educated.  Maybe then she'll realize that I'm simply trying to find the true center of myself that's been eluding me all my life.  The root of the issue has nothing to do with her.

And the sad part of this (I'm just realizing) is that all the pain she's feeling now is because she's anticipating the future pain!  I haven't actually taken ONE physical step towards transitioning yet!  (due to location and circumstance more than choice)

She can't even laugh at my stupid jokes about her panties not fitting me!

I think that is really terrible. If your wife had deceived you about who she is when you invested so much of your life into being with her wouldn't you be hurt too? I think that would cause a lot of pain. Like, how could you respect her so little if she started a life with you.

[RedFox]

If I had entered into our relationship knowing exactly what the root of my internal conflict was and didn't share that with her - then yes, I'd be a bad guy for having deceived her.  As I had internal conflicts all my life without knowing the exact cause, what would I have told her?  Don't love me because I'm not always at peace with myself?  Without a frame of outside reference I assumed that was the standard human condition!

Don't take my words to mean I don't have sympathy for her, what she's going through, or the pain she's feeling - I certainly do.  But I'm trying to find a path that will bring me peace and she's adding to the chaos not only of my life but of her own and our kids as well - preemptively in my opinion.

To put it in a different perspective I see it like this:  A couple stands at an intersection of many roads.  She wants the bright and sunny highway with all the nice new cars zooming along and he's looking down a dark and clouded path with many twists and turns.  A sign pointing down the road reads "salvation?".  His heart is pulling him down this road.  And she only looks at him with anger:  "You promised me sunshine and a comfortable ride in life.  I've had enough of twists and turn.  If you take that road, you'll be on your own.  I want comfort, contentment, and security and this path (pointing down the highway) is the obvious way to get there."

Is she wrong?  Not necessarily.
Am I wrong?  Again, not necessarily.  My choice is as wrong for her as hers is for me.

[Chloe421x]

@SageFox

I am sincerely sorry for what your going through and I can relate almost to the letter. I am prior USMC ( discharged over a year ago now ), told my fiance of 2 years ( about 4 or so months ago ) that I had always thought of myself as a woman and that I one day may wish to fully pursue correcting my body......her immediate reaction was to break out in tears, a little bit of anger tword me....she freaked out a bit and couldnt look at me for a good 10 minutes or so. Eventualy through her tears, she regained composure, and we began to talk about it. I reassured her Nothing would change but physical appearance and that if she truely loved me, it would be no different then if i lost a limb, got really fat or some other such physical transformation ( which she admited she would love me through any of those ).

The following day she told me she was ok with it and I felt she was being true. I think what may of helped, is I didnt immediately jump into transistion and gave her time to relize im still the person she loves. We still talk about it from time to time and shes completly ok with it......but she has alot of self confidence issues of her own and I am afraid she may be embaressed when i start going more full time.

I pray your situation improves with time, and I don't know how recently you wrote that letter, but hopefully let time heal her worries a bit.

Please feel free to message me on here if you'd like to talk further, vent, or whatever as we are aparently in near identical spots as per looking to transition and I have a military backround so I can relate with you there

Hopefully when you get back, you will be approaching your discharge day, as I really cant see transitioning while still serving. Good luck with everything, keep us posted. talking about it hear should clear your mind, and please dont have any super depressing thoughts while all alone and near a rifle. Things will get better! I promise!

[Shantel]

Hopefully when you get back, you will be approaching your discharge day, as I really cant see transitioning while still serving. Good luck with everything, keep us posted. talking about it hear should clear your mind, and please dont have any super depressing thoughts while all alone and near a rifle. Things will get better! I promise!

Count me with Chloe on this one, we're on your team!

[RedFox]

Hopefully when you get back, you will be approaching your discharge day, as I really cant see transitioning while still serving. Good luck with everything, keep us posted. talking about it hear should clear your mind, and please dont have any super depressing thoughts while all alone and near a rifle. Things will get better! I promise!

First:  No worries on the weapon or depressing thoughts thing.  They lock our weapons up upon arrival here (crazy, I know) and I would NEVER seriously consider harming myself.  Long story short:  my father committed suicide when i was 17 and I had to commit my youngest daughter and put her on suicide watch a few years ago.  It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem - and the pain inflicted on others is never worth the relief you might experience.  Not something I would ever consider - and i get angry at the selfishness and shortsightedness of those who do.

And yes, I plan on giving my resignation when i get back (officer, not enlisted anymore).  I'm way past my initial eight years so shouldn't be a problem.  I'm going to miss the military, but despite the repeal of DODT the regulations are still clearly against Trans identified personnel.  Maybe someday I can come back and finish my remaining years towards retirement.

Yeah, things will get better.  I do believe that.
That's actually one of the fundamental differences between my spouse and I.  I'm a realistic optimist and she's an unrealistic pessimist.  I'm constantly having to remind her to look at the possibilities - and then she does and starts telling me about all the things that could go wrong!   
Still, when you love someone you put up with a lot.  Having enough positive energy for two people has been tough though.

[Brooke777]

That's actually one of the fundamental differences between my spouse and I.  I'm a realistic optimist and she's an unrealistic pessimist.  I'm constantly having to remind her to look at the possibilities - and then she does and starts telling me about all the things that could go wrong!   
Still, when you love someone you put up with a lot.  Having enough positive energy for two people has been tough though.

Wow! You just described me and my son's mother.

[Elsa]

It can be really painfull to loose someone you love only because you want to be yourself.

A lot of us here understand what you are going through and feel your pain and suffering and we also kinda understand the hurt your wife must be going through.

I sincerely believe things will get better in time. All we can do is hope while being realistic at the same time.

A big big hug to you, hon, cause you deserve it for being brave for working in the field you have chosen and country you are in now and how bravely you are handling this.

I really admire your courage and wish the best for you.

♥hugs♥

[RedFox]

UPDATE:  Since a few people expressed an interest in finding out how things turned out, I'm posting an update.

I left Kuwait and arrived home (via Texas) about a week before Christmas.  About two weeks before i got back my wife did a 180 on me and was suddenly very nice and almost loving again.  I had no idea what to expect when I got off the plane.  My boys were there to great me (2 and 4 y.o.) and that was absolutely wonderful.  It was great seeing my wife again, but immediately it was like greeting an old friend - no spark or passion from her.

We discussed trying to do a "friends with benefits" thing for a while but that was immediately discarded as an idea as any remaining romantic feelings she had cooled within the first few days I was home.  She says it's like half of me is gone - all the male bravado and posturing that she had come to love and identify me with - my cockiness I guess.  Since that was a large part of what she found attractive, she is not attracted to me at all anymore she says.

So... to make a long story short... within two days of being home I was buying a new bed and dresser and moving into the spare room.  We're both trying to adjust - and it's working to a degree, but I know she misses the old me.  At least now I can freely express myself when we go shopping and pick out clothes I actually like.  She's not commenting on it much, but she has tried giving me advice on how to save money and better places to go for different kinds of clothes (she's a shopping expert).  Oh yeah.. and I was evicted from the dresser and the large closet long before I came home.. and she only reluctantly gave me back a dresser drawer!

We're both openly discussing the upcoming divorce as a simple fact - but we've moved past most of the tears now I think.

Oh yeah, and my four year old has been asking me multiple questions about gender stuff now - growing my hair out, wearing earrings, and grooming are all confusing his definitions of what it means to be male I think (not to mention my growing female wardrobe).  I'm still trying to figure out how to discuss this properly with him.

Thanks to everyone for the support while I was stranded in the desert.  Having feedback from others and hearing everyone else's stories and struggles really helped me to endure my time in limbo.

Thank you all.

- Sage

[Shantel]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you both, although I'm sure that you had some expectation that this would put a crimp in the marriage. She'll survive, but it's always tough on the kids. You're not alone though, this same story has been retold by many before you and probably many who will follow in your train. Wishing you the best and thanks for your service! ~ Shan ~

[Brooke777]

I'm so glad you made it back safely. Thank you again for the sacrifices you have made.

Sorry to hear that your marriage is over. But, I am happy that the two of you are still friends and able to get along. There are a lot of us on here with kids. I know when I first came out the other people on here helped me tremendously when it came to coming out to my son (he is 6 so a little older than yours). Ultimately, the thing that helped the most was my son's mother wrote a book that explained things to him. If you would like to ask a few more personal type questions, or just want to talk feel free to PM me.

[Carlita]

If I had entered into our relationship knowing exactly what the root of my internal conflict was and didn't share that with her - then yes, I'd be a bad guy for having deceived her.  As I had internal conflicts all my life without knowing the exact cause, what would I have told her?  Don't love me because I'm not always at peace with myself?  Without a frame of outside reference I assumed that was the standard human condition!

Don't take my words to mean I don't have sympathy for her, what she's going through, or the pain she's feeling - I certainly do.  But I'm trying to find a path that will bring me peace and she's adding to the chaos not only of my life but of her own and our kids as well - preemptively in my opinion.

To put it in a different perspective I see it like this:  A couple stands at an intersection of many roads.  She wants the bright and sunny highway with all the nice new cars zooming along and he's looking down a dark and clouded path with many twists and turns.  A sign pointing down the road reads "salvation?".  His heart is pulling him down this road.  And she only looks at him with anger:  "You promised me sunshine and a comfortable ride in life.  I've had enough of twists and turn.  If you take that road, you'll be on your own.  I want comfort, contentment, and security and this path (pointing down the highway) is the obvious way to get there."

Is she wrong?  Not necessarily.
Am I wrong?  Again, not necessarily.  My choice is as wrong for her as hers is for me.

So true .. and this, above all: 'If I had entered into our relationship knowing exactly what the root of my internal conflict was and didn't share that with her - then yes, I'd be a bad guy for having deceived her.  As I had internal conflicts all my life without knowing the exact cause, what would I have told her?  Don't love me because I'm not always at peace with myself?'

Story of my life, too ... and many others, I think ...

[Shantel]

You gals all need to not beat up on yourselves mentally and emotionally. Just think, you might have been suffering with bone cancer, knowing that you had a nagging problem all along but unaware of the exact nature and unable to define it, and then she marries you. Now she's going to ->-bleeped-<--can you because you're dying? There's two people involved in a relationship initially, it's not all about one person and their needs over another, where one is always the giver and the other always the taker. Life isn't fair, get over the pitfalls and failures because they aren't completely yours to shoulder and move on and be all you aspire to be.

[RedFox]

Hi Michele, and thanks.  And thanks to everyone else.  It IS continuing to be a difficult journey, but as long as you're moving forward than things can always get better.

On a positive note, I got setup with the VA today and next week I meet the doctor.  Hopefully I'll start on HRT through them by the end of the month! - and I believe I have coverage with them for the next five years at least!

[Shantel]

Hi Michele, and thanks.  And thanks to everyone else.  It IS continuing to be a difficult journey, but as long as you're moving forward than things can always get better.

On a positive note, I got setup with the VA today and next week I meet the doctor.  Hopefully I'll start on HRT through them by the end of the month! - and I believe I have coverage with them for the next five years at least!

Welcome to the VA system, "Hurry up and wait!"  They are very thorough though and take good care of me even though I swore I'd never stand in another line following ETS. I now gratefully eat my words!