Having a different indentity on the Internet: How to feel more comfortable?

[Kent]

On all the sites and forums I am part of, (except on this one) everyone sees and knows me as male which I am in truth not exactly. Because I am male trapped in a female body. I noticed that most transgendered persons don't have a problem with it, and under normal circumstances I do not either, because I present myself as how I want to be seen. I have kept my indentity as male for quite some years and it would be extremely hard to change it to something else all of sudden, though on a few sites I have my gender listed as hidden but because the wolf character I portray myself as is male, everyone thinks I am male obviously. Which is what I want but it is not always that easy either.
The first time I admitted to a close friend I was transgendered, didn't pull of well. I had said to her I wanted to tell an important secret of mine, and when she said she was interested to hear it, I had sent her a very long message about the whole transgender subject. She told me at first she was glad she told me and felt honoured to know such a deep secret, but a few days after she said it was too much of a shock and because she was unknown to the subject, told me it was quite 'creepy', if I remember correctly, and left my forum. I had missed her a lot. However, very luckily and unexpected, a year later (in this year, to be exact) she suddenly re-joined my forum and apologized a lot of times for having treaten me like that. So in the end it went good again.
To other persons I told it too afterwards I became much more careful, keeping it short and simple and asking them if they wanted to know more I would explain more. This has worked quite well so far as I got positive reactions although I believe a few had also started to see me more as female - which is exactly what I don't want.
Another situation was when I was beggining to form a friendship with someone, and I knew it would become a friendship, I had told her early I was transgendered. Again, this person accepted too and she even admitted before she knew I was transgendered she had a crush on me. I had got with her in a very small, kind of stupid relationship because I only did it for her and I felt no love for her. I actually felt no much difference, since it still felt to me we were close friends. After a while though she said she didn't wanted to be in a relationship with me anymore after she had told her parents about me, and I reacted quite hectic about it, also because she said she didn't wanted to be 'lesbian' and I do not consider myself as one (I think I'm simply bi-sexual but I'm not sure and don't care right now) so due to that I became a bit mad and overly stressed about it. That caused her to leave and she hadn't returned, though I honestly don't think about her that much unlike the previous friend I had mentioned.
Why I wanted to tell my friends about my secret is because it kind of feels like 'lying' about myself even if it is not directly, and because I simply wanted to share and talk about my problems, to have some understanding, (I hope now that I joined this forum the latter reason will fade away and make it easier for me) and also because I am scared a person I know in real life would accidentally slip out my real name or referring me as 'she' and then the friends who don't know about it would know it through someone else which is bad.

So now I have the problem with one particular friend I want to tell to I am transgendered. However I am very afraid she will see me as female if I will tell her the truth and the news would be shocking for her I think, because I've known her for quite a while and she really sees me as male looking back at some comments she had made. Such as saying I talk about boyish things together with a friend of mine from school who also joined my forum. I really like hearing such comments from her and it gives me a boost of self-esteem (which is already pretty low) and because she is also quite religious I think that if I will tell her the truth it will only make things worse.
So what I want to ask is basically, how can I have different, helping thoughts so this is not bothering me so much anymore? I do not feel the need of all my friends knowing about my secrets. It's just really for the most part the thought of 'lying' to them that makes me feel so bad. But I am seen as how I want to be seen and what I feel inside as, so I don't understand why I can't be happy about it and move on. Normally if I would have to tell someone I'm transgendered in real life, then I only want to share it because then I would be more seen as how I want, but this is just the exact opposite. They would see me as female and I don't want that.

Sorry if this message is written a bit like a mess but I just had to get it out - yesterday I could barely sleep and I even woke up because of the thoughts roaming in my head. And it keeps interrupting my sleep more and more so I really need a solution for it. But like I said before I want to find a way to avoid telling the truth, because I honestly think it isn't needed as long as I don't have a crush on a person.

[aleon515]

I have had mixed results with telling people to be honest. I am a bit different than you as I just figured this out lately. I first came out as androgyne and now I believe I am ftm. Some of my friends have had a pretty gradual approach. I'd say most of my friends have taken to this very well-- and in a couple cases amazing wonderful. It has been just fantastic. However, one of them, I didn't tell her and I am wondering if she has figured it out. I have changed a lot in appearance. I haven't started T yet but I started wearing all male clothes and have a male haircut, not that I was ever a girly girl type anyway. This person hasn't talked to me again since the last time I saw her. I got a brief message on fb. But she didn't write me back. Another friend seemed to be bothered by the info a bit. She didn't say anything. I think perhaps she might adjust to it.

I can't advise you but people can be wonderful about it too. Or they can never see you again. (Perhaps even the one friend will adjust to it too.)

One of my friends who is very supportive, said something like in all the ways that matter I haven't changed at all. I think it's true-- might be more what I am thinking about all the time, but she seems to like talking with me about it.

BTW, I don't believe not disclosing is lying. No one has to tell you they are cisgender after all.

--Jay J

[Kent]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. The reaction is different for each person and I think I should just be really careful who to tell it to.
And yeah, your last sentence really speaks the truth. I hadn't thought about it like that and it makes me feel a bit better about it. So thanks. :]

[Taka]

i figured that pretending is a ridiculous thing to do. i do more than enough of that irl, so why even bother to do that online where they can't even see that my body isn't really in congruence with the rest of me?

luckily i don't have too many forums where i like to be. gender wise, i'll be myself here, a non-conforming female irl, just female on fb, unspecified on one manga forum, male on another manga forum. and "undercover" on a gay forum, meaning that some of my friends there know i'm female in body, but they won't tell others since it's none of their business.

only time i'll out myself to anyone is if i meet someone in the same situation as me, or someone seems interested in more than just friendship. and that time when i tested my shounen hero, since i had a feeling he'd get it (which he did), and i felt like i needed some confirmation that i'm okay. though it happened once that i told a guy whom i thought i could trust, and now he's suddenly being all "helpful" to this girl i play with on that manga forum where i'm male and told her i'm "really" a girl. and calls us lesbians. interestingly, she's more pissed at him for giving out other people's personal information, and still sees me as just the same guy that i've always been there.

in the end i could say that being myself online has given me friends who'll save my soul time after time. some are jerks, but most of them are simply amazing

[AbraCadabra]

It's a no-good practice for living in world of make-believe - at least in my finding.

Like gaming with you own self... if done long enough... you won't know if you Arthur or Mather.

Though I have to admit it is being done more than some simple folks like me would even consider it being the case...

I'm not into unreality therefore my comment, therefore I think it sucks – big time.

Axélle

[Kent]

Thanks for the comments. I will keep them in mind and think about it.
And yeah, I do have those few good friends who know about it and perhaps I should cling onto that and when I need to, talk with them more often about the problems.

But I know now however I really cannot change my indentity to what I really am in real life. It makes me feel uncomfortable thinking about it alone, and the risk is quite big of being insulted or cyberbullied for being transgendered. Two persons I had been following on an art site had admitted openly in public they were transgendered, which I found really good of them and there were nice and supportive comments, but later on I noticed they got quite bullied for it. The least I can do is having my indentity hidden everywhere and perhaps listing I want gender neutral pronouns and such for now.

[Taka]

i don't play a character when i'm online, i feel like i do more than enough of that offline. i am myself, which would mostly be the same as i'm here. with the difference that i'm not open about being tg in other forums, since that none of the other members' business. the only difference on the forums is what personal information i disclose to whom. never had any problems keeping track of my online self, when i figured i'd had enough of being "female", i simply erased that character since it wasn't me. not that i deleted my account on the one forum that i'm still on, i just set my gender as something else and the few people whom i interact with never saw the female character, or they know i'm tg. most probably forgot that gender is supposed to matter

[Kent]

I only have a male wolf character I roleplay as who has my own personality, or rather my 'inner personality', the personality I still want to develop in real life.
I know however that I can't change him to anything else. I feel he is my inner self and although personality can change his gender simply cannot, it just doesn't seem right. So however way I might ever turn out my wolf character will remain the same. I however think that on the Internet the gender of someone is much less important than in real life, for when you talk with others you don't judge by appearance and meet someone's personality right away.

[spacial]

I can offer these observations.

Firstly, I don't quite see why I should pretend to anyone. I walk into a shop and ask for a packet of cigarettes, (as you do), I don't start by telling people them my life story. I've been a member of a computer forum for many years. I've made a number of references to my wife and nieces. I don't actually recall ever telling anyone that I'm transgender, a gay gmale, married to a woman, ( ), or even that I'm gmale. If they choose to assume something about me, that's up to them, frankly.

I've also played a lot of computer games. I invariably play a female character as I feel more comfortable. I just don't get into that discussion. Again, if people want to assume things, that's up to them. I'm currently an elf female, very old, I tolerate you humans for now.

I have never chosen to meet someone, but if I did, I would be who I am. I'd do my best to answer questions, that aren't rude. 'Have you had your op yet?' Have you cleaned your d**k/pu**y after the sex you just had?'

The thing is, how do you feel about being trangender?

If you're still uncomfortable then that's the problem, not the reactions of others. It's my experience that we create our own reality. People treat us how we want to be treated.

Oh, you're female, I thought you were male!

Oh thank you. I am actually male. But nice of you to say I look female.

But you have boobs.

Yep, but much like my acne I hope to deal with that as soon as possible.

Get the idea?

Now, if the response is something like, 'Well I wouldn't do that and I wouldn't go with someone who did.

I understand and I'm sure your views are intelligently held, but I don't remember asking you.

How do you feel about that?

[Rita]

The internet has helped me express myself for who I am big time, and gave me the courage to move forward in rl.  It turned into a situation of, I can't keep pretending in the real world anymore.  Where on the internet all people see is your text and personality, rl is different and scary.

It was an outlet for my feelings, and emotions ^.^  kept me content with my existance for long enough.

Only thing tricky was voice chat, I have an option or that but I hate using it as I want people to hear my real female voice x3

There was no roleplay involved, nothing contrived.  The self I pretended to be and the self I am are not much different.  My personality has not changed,  my mannerisms and  comfort level is the major difference.   I never screamed at people I AM GIRL HEAR ME RAWR, they just knew I was.

Hence why people who knew me for my past self, were not all too surprised when I came out to them.  Even if I wasn't exactly hyper feminine. 

[Kent]

Yeah, it's the same way for me! That's why when someone wants to webcam or voice chat I pretty much always refuse. I just say I am uncomfortable about it, simple as that.
I agree with everything you said, it's quite like that for me too. I feel much more comfortable on the Internet and speak more than I would do in real life.
Thanks for your great words, it made me happy to read your post. :]

[Kent]

Sorry spacial, I didn't saw your post at first but here's my response for you.
Ah your words gave me hope. I think you are right with your question. My answer is, I do not feel uncomfortable about it in real life, but only on the Internet it just feels as if I'm betraying my friends. But, I should learn to think in same manners as you. The thing is I always worry about what other people think about me, perhaps it is because of that. I am still working that point and am trying to get some 'helping thoughts' replacement thoughts for the negative ones. A lot of people who help me say I should care more about myself, be less strict on myself, and accept me for who I am right now and not for what I am.
I will definitely keep your words in mind. Thanks a lot! I'm glad I asked my question here, I'm getting a much clearer view in my head thanks to all of you.

[Rita]

Well there is always a bit of a guilt layer, like when your talking to another girl about something more personal.  But eventually it goes away.  Because at the end of the day you are you  and no rogue chromosome can change who you are up here -pokes your brain- uwahhhhh so squishy 

[spacial]

Sorry spacial, I didn't saw your post at first but here's my response for you.
Ah your words gave me hope. I think you are right with your question. My answer is, I do not feel uncomfortable about it in real life, but only on the Internet it just feels as if I'm betraying my friends. But, I should learn to think in same manners as you. The thing is I always worry about what other people think about me, perhaps it is because of that. I am still working that point and am trying to get some 'helping thoughts' replacement thoughts for the negative ones. A lot of people who help me say I should care more about myself, be less strict on myself, and accept me for who I am right now and not for what I am.
I will definitely keep your words in mind. Thanks a lot! I'm glad I asked my question here, I'm getting a much clearer view in my head thanks to all of you.

Kent,

Thank you for your kind response. But I am a bit of a phoeny here.

Don't get me wrong. I sincerely believe everything I've said. With the proviso, that getting to that point isn't going to be easy. But I do believe that is the point to aim for. It is the point I was intending to go for. Sadly, other things, my health as it happens, have gotten in the way.

The point is, we can each try so hard to be what we hope to be. At the end of the day, I've made a number of observations.

We can never be sure, within ourselves, that we have achieved it. Wa's a gift a giftie gie us, tae see oorsels as others see us. (Burns) We have members here who have posted photos of themselves, even videos. Yet sometime, even after we all say, you look and sound great, they can't really get past that point of doubt.

That was my stumbling block. My major excuse. The reason I have spent my life living as this instead of who I am.

I looked at gwomen and gmen. (g means genetic). Some women are really quite masculine in many ways. Some men are really quite feminine. The Hollywood stereo-type, of the manly man and the cute feminine woman. Not reality at all.

Then I realised. My problem, our problem is, we are what we are. That's not a reason to apologise. No-one should feel they need to ask permission to exist.

The world will change. For example, when I was growing up, homos were bum obscessed, danger to women, children and animals. Now, in the UK, they are about to recognise marriage equality.

OK, you want to be as male as you can be. You'll get there. But in the mean time, it's a long road. And you don't become a swan until you've been the ugly duckling for a while.

[Kevin Peña]

i figured that pretending is a ridiculous thing to do. i do more than enough of that irl, so why even bother to do that online where they can't even see that my body isn't really in congruence with the rest of me?

It would be funny if you claimed to be a guy on a dating site and someone wanted to meet. 

"Hmm, you don't look like you do on your photo..." 

[AbraCadabra]

Even if you pass as I do in my case day by day, doing my normal days routine - there comes an internet enquiry, a person interested in much more detail about you, than whoever you already know and whoever you meet casually... day by day.

People have ideas, get ideas, and have paradigms about who they are busy conversing with - and BTW... so have WE!

It is easy enough to fool people initially on the web, but there'll be always, more sooner than later time to 'show and tell'.

We may want to avoid it all together of course... but then it just boils down to some mostly meaningless chit-chat destined to leading nowhere, and that from the word go.

What a waste of time, effort and emotions... it's just what I feel.

I've not even mentioned the words 'morals' or 'ethics' - it's just an embarrassment either way I look at it.

Axélle

[Taka]

It would be funny if you claimed to be a guy on a dating site and someone wanted to meet. 

"Hmm, you don't look like you do on your photo..." 

i don't think i could ever look like on my photo. i've only had 3-4 different looks thus far this year, and i feel like i have to change pretty soon again.
i don't use dating sites, so that wouldn't be much of a problem. but if i do decide that i want to meet up with some of my online friends... i might just give a little more info about myself before that happens. the important ones already know, and all but one are pretty cool about it

[Kent]

Yeah for me it might even take some 1 or 2 years before I may go back to the genderclinic, (reason for that is in my Introduction thread) and I've been losing hope it would all become good but I'll just keep going.
AbraCadabra, I understand you think about it like that. But I rather keep going as how the situation is now, but of course I'll keep your words in mind too. I think however those persons I feel could become very important in my life for whatever reason then I would tell the truth. If someone wants to see a photograph of me then I would say the truth too. But if people are not interested in that then I won't.
Sorry all for my short and confusing response, I had to write this in a hurry but I appreciate it.

[Taka]

if it's only for showing photos, then it's enough to just pick the ones that look least girly. most people would be "fooled" so long as you're young enough. you should still be sure that you're ok with them finding out before sharing, though, since some might pick up on it

[Kent]

Usually I would not share photographs of myself though, but for very close friends I might make an expection as long as they promise not to share it with others. Personally, even though I haven't got male hormones yet, I think I don't look really female. I'm most of the time mistaken by strangers as a boy although I think they would usually think I am around 13 or 14 years old because of my voice (which is as how it sounds for me, more in-between male and female) plus I'd look young as a boy. Either way, I'm not one who shows photographs, it was more an example, or you can also see it similar as in if a person from the Internet would meet you in real life.