Am I really Two Spirited?

[Keri Allison]

Or am I bipolar? Or do I have multiple personality disorder?

Ever since I was young, I knew I was weird. I was not comfortable in my own body as a boy. Up until a month ago, I would have described myself as transgender. However everything changed two months ago.

During the summer, I came out to my parents at 19 years old as a transgender individual. They were in shock since I have very masculine taste in almost everything except for sports (which I don't care for) and clothes. I wear super skinny jeans and lots of accessories etc. I tended to dress more feminine. (These days, I go all the way sometimes, but rarely, and only with close friends.)

They tried their best to support me, but I was able to tell that they were not at all happy. For once, I thought that transition is in reach. However, part of me doesn't want to transition. I just couldn't point out what, or why.

One day, I heard my mother crying and I asked what was up. She didn't want to say so I asked her if it was about me being transgender. She then opened up and tried her hardest to convince me that I'm not transgender. I shot down everything she said until she said "you just have a voice in your head telling you to transition and you know that it's not the right thing to do".

That hit me, and I felt a sudden realization that she was correct. Then I remembered, before I was born, my mother was pregnant with a girl, the girl that was supposed to be her first born child. However, my mother had a miscarriage. What if her soul was trapped in her womb until I came around and now it's inhabiting the same body as my own soul?

It's kind of like I'm the driver and my older sister is in the passenger seat constantly giving me wrong directions, but I can't understand what she's saying in relation to what I'm thinking because I don't know that she's there.

I know it sounds super crazy but it sounds so right to me. That's probably the best way to describe how I feel.

It's also really strange. I can't imagine dating a guy as a guy, but I would love to do it as a girl. That means I have no desire of penetrating a guy. However I can date girls as both a guy and a girl.

I'm also not in any way appalled by guy on guy sex. So I guess that makes me technically bisexual, leaning towards girls? However, as of right now I'm in a pseudo relationship with a guy I really like :/ No sex yet, since I tend to be prudish to everyone lol, and I'm a virgin haha...

I noticed that I choose guys like how girls do and I choose girls like both how guys and girls do. When judging a potential boyfriend, I don't care about looks at all. He has to appeal to me emotionally and he has to be sweet and funny but dominant and clever at the same time.

But when it comes to girls, she has to be physically attractive, as well as emotionally appealing, funny, etc.

I'm just really curious. Could I be "two spirited"? Or perhaps I'm bipolar etc.

Regardless of the answer, I'm no longer thinking about transition, nor am I depressed or suicidal. I feel true to myself now.

Also, thanks to you all, I was able to live through my entire process of self realization. This may be my last post, so I'd just want to make sure that you all understand what a difference this site and you folks made to my life.

[aleon515]

Well you might like reading the androgyne forum. You don't sound terribly different than a lot of us here to be honest. I am guessing this is not actually a straight forward path. You don't need to "transition" to anything, it might be enough for you to dress as you say. You are still transgender.  I believe that if I had had interfering denying parents, it would not have helped me sort this all out.

Having other conditions like bipolar is not entirely impossible, but it this really a mood change. Dissociative disorder would imply that you are not actually aware of changes in your feelings on gender. You sound VERY aware of your feelings, you just don't understand them.

Have you been to a gender therapist? Sounds like that might be helpful.

--Jay J

[Keri Allison]

Ehh, it's not just dressing. I dress in a way that straight guys and girls say I'm stylish without questioning my sexuality. If they ask, I tell them that I'm bisexual, but that's it. I also take great pride in the way I dress as well, as I mix clothes from both genders.

I recognize that I'm transgender, so what? lol I never said I wasn't.

I've never seen a gender therapist before. I was going to until that whole epiphany thing that made me understand that I know exactly what I am.

[Joelene9]

Keri,
  I felt the same way over the decades.  I've been on HRT for nearly two years now.  I still like women and my interests and dress are still male.  I consider myself a tomboy.  I've been treated for depression in the past with no prognosis of being bipolar. 

  Joelene

  P. S. Nice rhodocrosite in you avatar!

[aleon515]

Ehh, it's not just dressing. I dress in a way that straight guys and girls say I'm stylish without questioning my sexuality. If they ask, I tell them that I'm bisexual, but that's it. I also take great pride in the way I dress as well, as I mix clothes from both genders.

I recognize that I'm transgender, so what? lol I never said I wasn't.

I've never seen a gender therapist before. I was going to until that whole epiphany thing that made me understand that I know exactly what I am.

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted the question. I thought you were wondering if you really were trans. I don't know why you have to figure everythign out to go to a gender therapist. That's why I went to one in the first place.

--Jay J

[Keri Allison]

Personally, I think I already have it figured out, but I have trouble trusting my identity to blind faith. I have no hard evidence that what I believe is true, but it just feels so correct. Either way, I know I'll never get hard evidence, unless I die and see another soul come out of my body. That would be an interesting conversation with my "older sister".

"You freaking parasite, what the heck were you doing in my body?"...

[Jamie D]

Keri, you are not unlike I was 35 years ago, in college and really wondering about my bisexuality. I saw a psychiatrist through the student health center who assured me that there was nothing wrong with my sexuality - it was just who I was.

But that was in the late 1970's, and gender was not a issue that was discussed.  I wish I had known better then and realized my bigendered nature.  It took me a long time to really listen to my "girl inside."  That doesn't mean there isn't still a "guy inside." In fact, I have girl days and I have guy days. But I'm learning to trust that girl, or "older sister" as you say.

She doesn't go away.  Girls are like that! 

[Seyranna]

Except there's no such thing as a soul. You are your brain.

I'm a polygender individual and basically what it means is that I have access to a broader range of the gender spectrum than most people and anywhere I sit on that spectrum doesn't feel wrong. It's just that it's not "set" but in constant permutation. Maybe you are somewhat like that. But be aware that being both a woman and a man and only have the possibility to have one body or the other and convincingly present as one or the other can be extremely distressful. Much harder than being a classical binary identified trans person.