I saw my therapist today, and she asked me about how I felt being stuck or trapped in the wrong body. I was honest with her and took her back in time to my earliest recollection around 7 or 8 years old. I noticed males and female then, but felt I belonged more with the female group, and liked males as a female instead of liking males as another male would.
She asked about my clothing and if I thought it reflected who I am: I had to stop and pause, because I wasn't sure how a woman is supposed to dress in today's world in context of gender expectations and gender roles. I had to think about what it would be like to go beyond just feeling and knowing inside that I am female, and how people in public would react...the fear of phobic reactions by people. There was also the fear of not being accepted by my family when they find out.
I went even further back in time with her before I was 7 or 8, and in between. (those details won't be given here)
She asked me about past relationships with males and females, and I gave those details as well. There was some conversation about if I had thought about living as a woman. I told her the truth and said "yes, I have". I told her I just had fears about how it could disrupt certain elements of my life and how I would deal with telling family, how family might or could possibly react.
At the end of the session, I asked her "why didn't my parents see the signs when I was younger? They were all there. Why didn't they sit down to talk to me about how I felt or what I was thinking?" She said that they might or might not have seen it.
Next week, we'll talk about what sounds like it could be transition related things and what things I can do to express my gender identity and see where I want to go from there. I was soooo happy to hear THAT from her!
When I walked out of the office, I started shaking and almost crying because I knew what just happened, I knew what it COULD mean, and I knew that I was finally freer than I had been...I had really been heard and am getting closer to being able to be the real me. I was feeling such a mix of everything that I almost started crying.
In the office, the times I had stalled to think, it was really me holding back emotions that I was really struggling to show, such as the mix of relief, anxiety, fear, and tears of frustration and happiness, etc. There has just been so much built up over the years of my life living in the wrong body. Is this normal, does this hurt me in the therapist's eyes? Did I do myself a disservice? Do you think the therapist realizes what I am going through and maybe sees this?
