How do I stop my half-and-half life

[kathy bottoms]

I saw my GT today and told her I can't live this half-and half life anymore, and have to move ahead and transition.  I said it's like I hit a wall that I can't get over, and I'm going to have to tell my wife that in November I'm changing my appearance to continue transistion.  I know my wife is going to kick me out if I do this because she already said she would.  I just don't know how soon she'd give me the boot.  So the GT said said to be prepared for anything, including having to leave immediately if she wants that.  We discussed a lot of other problems that would come up, but then she repeated "Just be prepared"..... 

Now I have two choices.  I can tell my wife before going to Michigan and risk having her kick me out before we leave.  Or tell her after we get back and have a chance to spend one last vacation with my her and one of my two sons.  But if I wait it means she may feel as though I've lied to her for the entire time I've been back in California, and, that could make a seperation or divorce even more difficult and hostile.  But either way it pretty much looks like I'm going to get kicked out, just don't know when. 

There really is no upside here, and it's definitely going to end badly.  Yes, I guess living someplace else isn't a problem as long as I can get to my appointments, and get my injections.  But maybe someone who's gone through this can tell me about any other Down Sides that can be expected.  I figure I have to keep one car, get some clothes ready, and maybe pull a few hundred out of the bank.  But what other tips can you give me. 

Kathy

[Rena-san]

Have you considered that she might be accepting of you?

I mean, I don't really have much to say, as I haven't been anywhere near where you are now, but I'm sure others can help you out more. But still, maybe you should give more credit to your wife. She may still love and accept you, I mean, that is what marriage is about after all!

[Brooke777]

She may still love and accept you, I mean, that is what marriage is about after all!

It would be great if all SOs thought like this. Mine is no where near this thought.


Kathy, I am sorry that I do not have any advice on being prepared for this. As for when to tell her, I think it may be best to wait until you get back. That way you could still have one last vacation (as you said). When you get ready to tell her just let her know that you have been churning over this for a long time, and you finally have come to a point where you feel you have to move forward. If she is as un-accepting as you have said she will probably get mad. At least you will have let her know that you have been thinking really hard about this.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

[Stephe]

I can relate the the stress of half and half life. I was working as a guy and was a woman the rest of the time (for about 6 months) and it just tore me apart. No real advice on the wife situation..

Stephe

[Michelle G]

I kinda got the SO meltdown talk tonight, she is very understanding but every once in awhile she can't take it all in and blows up a bit, she reminds me that she didn't "sign on" for being with a girl because that's not what she's into, she also rubs it in that everything is in her name and she manages the money, even though my business is successful and is in my name, it was her $s that bought the place.

  Two hours later she apologized profusely for the blow up and said it's not very fair for her to get mad at me for just being who I really am.....all is ok till the next time.

So Kathy, this can all be a roller coaster ride and anything can happen!

[Medusa]

I was in similar bad situation with my gf/wife
But after I change appearance (and name) we make new beginning and now it is better than it was anytime before

[Reagan]

I wanted to say that my spouse and I are still happily married and it was very difficult at first. I can remember her saying things like "you weren't honest with me" and "Why didn't you tell me" All of which I relied by saying that I was deeply confused and suppressing it myself. That I was in denial and didn't wan to admit it. She never gave me an ultimatum or anything, but she did say in the beginning that she didn't know if she would be there in the end. Your therapist is right... You need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If it were me I would hold off and take that one last trip and tell her after you get back, but that's just me. You do what you feel is the right thing.

I hope things work out for you. It seems that some spouses aren't cut out to be with us. I guess that's understandable seeing how changing genders is something that only a few people really know how to deal with. Since you have children maybe she will see that splitting up her family is not worth it and be able to accept whats going on. In any event if I were you I would suggest to her that she get some counselling too. It really help out our marriage. It helped her vent to someone what her true feelings about the situation without fear of hurting my feelings. She was able to clearly understand what was happening and make good sound decisions rather than knee jerk ones.

Good luck!

[suzifrommd]

I know my wife is going to kick me out if I do this because she already said she would. 

I hope it doesn't come to that, but you probably should talk to a lawyer. If you're not abusing her or threatening her safety, I'd question whether she can legally "kick you out" if your name is on the lease or deed.

Luckily I get along well with my wife and she's been very supportive of my possible transition (so far). But I have the attitude that if she has a problem with it, SHE can move out, since it would be her problem.

[Carlita]

Oh Kathy, I so know how you feel and you have my TOTAL sympathy and best wishes ...

here's one thought I would have that maybe your wife can accept in time, if not at first. Your children will take their lead from her. If she sees what your doing as some kind of hostile act, and acts as if you've brought shame and humiliation on the family, then that's how they'll see it. And it will hurt the kids as well as you, because they'll be cut off from your love and support, and from their love of you.

But if she explains that this is a medical condition and that you don't have any choice in the matter - you were, literally, born this way - that there's nothing to be ashamed of and that you will always be the same loving parent, who cares for them and is there to support them then there's no reason why they can't actually accept you and continue to love you just a they always did.

Here's a link to a group that supports the right so transgender parents:

http://www.transparentcy.org/index.htm

And here's an article from that site by Richard Green, an American gender specialist who was for many years head of the psychiatric department of the gender clinic at London's Charing Cross Hospital. You - and your wife - may find it reassuring. I certainly did!

http://www.transparentcy.org/Resources-Refs-TSChldrn-RGreen.htm

[Rita]

Best to snap now than later.  The older you get the worst things become, everything will fall into place again eventually.

Looking at the blunt truth, we often have to make sacrifices.  Or stick with our existance to make the lot happy.  There is no easy answer, there is no right nor is there a wrong that you can do.

Unless you consider the wrong you could be doing yourself by maintaining status quo.

[Constance]

Once my wife announced that she couldn't be married to a woman, I began realizing the double-life was just one more stress I didn't need. So I made plans to go full time 3 months earlier than I had originally planned on and made the necessary arrangements with HR at work.

We're still friends, so at least I have some kind of support. Not the support that was initially offered, but something.

[AnOwlForTara]

As an SO, even though I have been on board with my fiance's journey from the beginning, going to therapy sessions with Tara was really helpful for me to get a better idea of what was going on in her head, and what she was worried about. We've done fairly well with communication all the way through so far, but it really helps to have someone in the room who knows the right questions to ask.

If I were in your position, I would probably hold off on telling your wife that you are definitely going through with the full transition, but have another conversation now about how your current lifestyle is making you feel. If she does get mad when you later tell her that you have decided on the full transition, explain to her that you couldn't deal with the rejection that you were expecting on top of everything else at that time, and that you were trying to prepare her more for the news before telling her. It might not help much, but I expect that it will help. The biggest thing is not to lie to her. If she guesses that you are going through with the transition, you will have to tell her.

What about your sons? It seems to me that they could be your allies. I am guessing that, since only one of them is going on vacation with you, that they are older? If they are, you should make sure that you have this conversation with them as well. Really, even if they are young. If they know that you are making an effort to be open and honest with them, chances are they will feel kindly toward you.

I hope things work out for you!

-Owl

[kathy bottoms]

Thank you all so much.   From what many of you say, there may be a little light left in this home.  My wife has stayed with me for the last 20 since I came out about being dysphoric, and instead of lovers we evolved into very good friends and business partners where I do the work and she does all the money management.  It'd be fantastic if we just seperated, and I could at least live part time here.  I could deal with that. 

I can't respond to all of you because it's just difficult to put my thoughts in print right now.  But I'll do two.

Carlita: Thank you so much for your concern ,and the information.  Luckily my boys are older, and one is married.  But I do worry about how he and his wife will tell my grandson about me when he grows up.  So I'm going to give him the article by Richard Green and ask that he and his wife read it.  I know it's for parents, but it will give him some insight.  I deeply want to have my grandchildren in my life in some way.

Brooke: I'm going to wait until we get back.  She's aware I'm ready to come out to the family in November, so I'll just explain everything before that.  She'll be mad either way, so I may as well do all the outdoor "guy stuff"with my son before I loose the chance.  He is also older, and we can use that time to fish, camp, have a couple beers, drive the old jeep around the farm, and just goof off.  If I end up living someplace else I might never be able to do that again.

Thanks again.  Kathy

[JoanneB]

I kinda got the SO meltdown talk tonight, she is very understanding but every once in awhile she can't take it all in and blows up a bit, she reminds me that she didn't "sign on" for being with a girl because that's not what she's into.

  Two hours later she apologized profusely for the blow up and said it's not very fair for her to get mad at me for just being who I really am.....all is ok till the next time.

So Kathy, this can all be a roller coaster ride and anything can happen!

I double that! It has been a bit of a roller coaster for my wife and for me. Things will go well for weeks or months and suddenly BAM! Sometimes precipitated by a partial or complete meltdown on my part as I wrestle this monster. She also knew from about day 1 about me. That was over 30 years ago now.

The half & half life I've been leading these past 2 years is really getting to me big time. My only real option to end the torture, for now, is go back to faking male. Not because of my wife but for a myriad of other external pressures. Plus a large dose of fatalism. Plan B is try to enjoy what I have now and not think long term. Something that is extremely difficult for this professional worry-wart who is trained to what-if anything to death.

BTW - my vote is for after the vacation.

[kathy bottoms]

I double that! It has been a bit of a roller coaster for my wife and for me. Things will go well for weeks or months and suddenly BAM!  ......   BTW - my vote is for after the vacation.

I've only had that roller coaster ride for a month and a half, so I can't really comprehend how it feels after six months or a year.  But like you say there seems to be big jumps in anger, and those are spaced by longer periods of more pleasant times that are still a bit uneasy, but quite livable. 

And to top it off, this morning my wife had me make reservations for another trip to Las Vegas in January, and she want's to go to Tahoe Friday night.  Can't wait for the next emotional shift, but hopefully life will be smooth until November.

Yes, I decided to wait.  May as well if the result could be the same either way.  Also decided to expect the best, and not hope for it.  But plan for the worst just in case. 

Kathy

[Michelle G]

Enjoy Tahoe Kathy, gonna be cold up there, brrr

Good call on holding out for awhile

[JoanneB]

Can't wait for the next emotional shift, but hopefully life will be smooth until November.

Was that a starting HRT reference? 

[kathy bottoms]

Was that a starting HRT reference? 

Well, I'm 3 months into HRT, but that's still pretty close to just starting.   But it was a really just a poor attempt a sarchasm.  Since the beginning of June my wife and I seem to have these emotional high points, that make the stress awful for both of us.