What are the biggest red flags to look out for?

[Beverly]

Each and every time I tell someone about this, I feel that much more relief... I get to feeling so much better about myself and find that I'm in much higher spirits, so even if there was no real solution, at least I can feel a little more confident today!

This is why some people say that we are our own worst enemies. Quite often when we tell people about being trans they do not have the problems that we feared they would. I recall telling one customer about myself and he replied that "It make no difference. We have done business with you for years and we trust you and we will keep doing business with you".

There is nothing shameful about being trans and there is something liberating about being honest.  I am so glad it went well for you.

[Stephe]

I proceeded to tell him about my transgender issues,

Congratz! And just wanted to add that was a very brave thing you just did. A LOT of people don't have the guts to just say that to their doctor. At least now you know this doc is on your side One less thing to worry about. Dealing with being trans is like that, you chip away at things until...  well until there isn't anything left.

Stephe

[Stephe]

There is nothing shameful about being trans and there is something liberating about being honest.  I am so glad it went well for you.

Right, I'm not proud of being trans (and why I personally don't see the point in trans pride type things at least for me), but I also am not ashamed of it either.

[Firecat]

Congratz! And just wanted to add that was a very brave thing you just did. A LOT of people don't have the guts to just say that to their doctor. At least now you know this doc is on your side One less thing to worry about. Dealing with being trans is like that, you chip away at things until...  well until there isn't anything left.

Stephe

Thank you! I guess I've been making a lot of personal progress lately, telling people about it. Its liberating, and what a rush... and to anyone I can tell, and be accepted by with it, I go from awkward recluse to an open book and fun conversationalist. Its amazing really 

But honestly, when I have my heart and mind set on anything, I become really bold... very head-strong. I may be weary of speaking a lot of times, often biting my tongue, but when it comes down to it... I'm the first person to say what needs to be said, and it often gets me in trouble.   But when I have a goal, a passion, or something that otherwise has meaning to me... if I can find the way, I'll have the will to stop at nothing.




Personally, I may be on the more stealthy side of things if I can help it. I'm not ashamed of being trans either,  but I don't intend to go announcing it to the world. There will come a point where anyone I meet will (hopefully) know me as just female.

[MadelineB]

Good work, Firecat! That is so great. The best self-care for depression includes speaking up, just like you did, and also setting aside the powerless feeling and doing what you know you need, just like you did. Way to go!

[Beverly]

Thank you! I guess I've been making a lot of personal progress lately, telling people about it. Its liberating, and what a rush... and to anyone I can tell, and be accepted by with it, I go from awkward recluse to an open book and fun conversationalist. Its amazing really 

Well done!

I look at it this way - this is what transition is all about, breaking the bonds and setting yourself free. I was never a recluse, I was never depressed (well, not very often) or surly or really bad tempered, but I functioned sort of OK-ish. Now that I am out I am far more 'bubbly' and socially I am far, far busier than I have ever been before.

But when I have a goal, a passion, or something that otherwise has meaning to me... if I can find the way, I'll have the will to stop at nothing.

Good. You will need that attitude for the occasional bad days. Forward, not back.

Personally, I may be on the more stealthy side of things if I can help it. I'm not ashamed of being trans either,  but I don't intend to go announcing it to the world. There will come a point where anyone I meet will (hopefully) know me as just female.

I certainly have no intention of shouting it to the world or wearing a T-shirt that says 'I am trans... deal with it' I have too much living to get on with and I only have half a life left and I intend to fill it from end to end.

[Firecat]

Essentially, my first therapist is on maternity leave until January, and my new therapist is essentially like bleaching out 6 months and $1,600 worth of therapy and starting over... so the best I can do is use the new therapist for other reasons, and try to make all the personal progress I can for when my one comes back. And truly, yesterday might've been monumental in that regard, as suddenly I'll finally be getting to see a psychiatrist come december, something my therapist really kept urging me to do.

Hopefully when she sees all the work I've done on my own, she'll maybe be willing to start helping more with the main issues I want to deal with.

Either way, I have two months left to turn some things around!

[Cindy]

Well done Firecat,

As we keep saying taking the first steps are the hard ones. You quickly find out that it is no deal for most people.

One of the cleaners at work caught me the other day and asked how I was, she said all the cleaners had been looking out for me and thought I was great and then said 'If any one ever says anything nasty or doesn't accept you, they are the fools and idiots'

She is yet another normal human being who works in a big place and maybe not at the highest paid job but guess what? She is a normal nice human being, as most people are.

Hugs and Congrats

Go Girl Go

Cindy

[Stephe]

Personally, I may be on the more stealthy side of things if I can help it. I'm not ashamed of being trans either,  but I don't intend to go announcing it to the world. There will come a point where anyone I meet will (hopefully) know me as just female.

That is where I am now. Most everyone who meets me now assumes I am female, even after spending hours chatting with them. I don't "announce" I am trans and feel I am on the more stealthy side but given I transitioned in place some, people know, people talk (I'm sure there is some "can you believe she used to be a guy?" going on) but I'm not ashamed of my past. I also don't dwell on it either.

[Firecat]

Only two things concern me; safety, and happiness. I can deal with rejection, as if t hey truly cared they would accept me no matter who I choose to be... but there is that fear of being attacked by someone out in public, be it physically or psychologically.   I really need to find a support group in the area so I can start learning how to do things properly--I certainly wish the two MtF's I've known online for a few years would talk more than once in a blue moon, though I know questions could be bothersome  

Best to stay optimistic, as the work I have ahead of me is absolutely daunting.

[Stephe]

Only two things concern me; safety, and happiness. I can deal with rejection, as if t hey truly cared they would accept me no matter who I choose to be... but there is that fear of being attacked by someone out in public, be it physically or psychologically.   

I can't speak for where you live but I believe the "dangers" of being trans are way overblown, esp if you live in a larger city. You HAVE to learn what born female were taught though. Things like stay out of the bad parts of town. There are places you should never go alone. Learn to do things like always have your keys in your hand when walking out to your car. Don't be afraid to ask someone to walk you to you car/home. All these safety things women must do to be safe from predators.

The other thing, and this is where most trans women are attacked, is don't play the stealth dating game. There are a LOT of homophobic guys out there and if they think they are hitting on a born female, you play along and then later they figure out your past, it can get VERY ugly. Most (not all of course..) of the cases I read about violence towards a trans person is along these lines. If you don't do this, your chances of being assaulted go way down, probably 90% or more less likely.

Now you -might- have some jerk off say something to you if you don't pass well but it's not likely, I think in 10 years (when I wasn't passing at all) maybe three times it has happened?  If you follow the above as far as being safe and not playing the stealth dating game, it's really not very likely you will be attacked. If you live somewhere that is just totally hostile towards anyone who is "different", then your first goal should be to move. I personally wouldn't want to live somewhere like that even if I wasn't "different".   

[Firecat]

I suppose the #1 thing I have going for me is my bisexuality, or even inclination towards wanting to date women.  Men will, do, and always have scared the hell out of me, past history with mom dating two bad alcoholics is a reasonable explanation. That's not to say I wouldn't give a guy a chance if he was truly interested, but he'd have to work harder to earn my trust.  So, most of my dating would probably be done amongst the rainbow community anyways.

Far as being safe out in public... gosh, do I ever follow those rules already.  I may not ask somebody to walk me home or to my car, but I never ever go somewhere like those place alone (knowingly), and I especially never go out late at night by myself either. No, likely not for the reasons of being sexually assaulted, but the idea is the same; the world isn't what it used to be.

[Stephe]

I suppose the #1 thing I have going for me is my bisexuality, or even inclination towards wanting to date women.  Men will, do, and always have scared the hell out of me, past history with mom dating two bad alcoholics is a reasonable explanation. That's not to say I wouldn't give a guy a chance if he was truly interested, but he'd have to work harder to earn my trust.  So, most of my dating would probably be done amongst the rainbow community anyways.

Far as being safe out in public... gosh, do I ever follow those rules already.  I may not ask somebody to walk me home or to my car, but I never ever go somewhere like those place alone (knowingly), and I especially never go out late at night by myself either. No, likely not for the reasons of being sexually assaulted, but the idea is the same; the world isn't what it used to be.

I honestly think you will be fine. Unless you live in a very hostile place with a bunch of skin head types around, just use common sense, avoid stealth dating etc you have a VERY slim chance of being physically attacked for being trans.

[japple]

Don't obsess. Try stuff and see what feels right.

[Emily Aster]

I've started preparations, but haven't actually started yet. I do feel the wisdom of age has finally caught up to me enough to offer advice though.

Don't rush into things. I used to spend hours a day looking for ways around the system, looking at it as having to jump through hoops. Wondering why, if it's considered cosmetic surgery, I can't just elect to do it without having to put myself in danger on the way.

Now that I'm older, I'm glad I never jumped the gun, although at the same time, I wish I had started earlier. I see a need for a RLT now where before I believed that I needed SRS in order to feel safe in the RLT. Without living every aspect of your life as the opposite sex for long enough to have had doubts during it, you are really only guessing that you'd be happier as the opposite sex. That's a lot of heartache and expense to commit to on a hunch. Give yourself time to get things figured out, like voice, gender queues, your own personal style, income, etc.