I want to kill myself

[nicks]

I just want to give up. I've lost hope of ever being happy.

Phalloplasty is booked in for may next year, I've been feeling like finally ill be complete, but now there's all these family and financial issues and I just want to give up.

My brother his wife and 2 babies moved in with my dad while renting their house out, they don't pay him a cent and his wife is a psychotic bitch that mentally abuses my brother and their 2 year old. Dad is supporting them while being abused so can't help me.

I live with mum an her partner verbally abuses and bullies me. I'm late for work every day because I can't have breakfast until he has left the house. Anything he can pick on me about he uses. He yelled at me this morning because I opened a new container of jam instead of using the one in the cupboard. I've had enough. I told my mum and she takes his side, she's telling everyone I yelled at him and he didn't do anything. I have no where to go, no friends and no support. My mum is supposed to be the one that helps me through this bit she is selfish a doesn't care or understand how I feel. I can't afford to move out its too expensive and I won't be able to have my phallo but I can't go home. I just want to kill myself but I'm scared it won't work and then they won't let me have my surgery.

Nobody cares or understands how i feel. Dad is sick of everyone foghtong and now says he is gonna kill himself, my brother is a selfish twat and my mum doesn't care and thinks I'm trouble and the sun shines out of her partners rear.

I can't go on anymore. I'll never be happy. Nobody will ever like me or want to be with me becuaee I look 16. My mum manipulates the entire family so even aunts uncles and cousins think I'm a psycho trouble maker. I just want it to end. I can't have surgery and move out, but I can't have one and not the other. Putting surgery off is not an option for me, it's already life and death.

I hate my life and I hate who I am. I wish I was born the way I should have been then I wouldn't need surgery and could get away from everyone.

[nicks]

Oh and I told everyone how I feel and nobody takes me seriously. Everyone thinks its a big joke and it makes me want to die even more to shove it in their face.

[Cindy]

Hi Nicks,

I'm in Adelaide and have just caught your post. I can talk if you like and I will be on line for a while so we chat on the boards as well if you want.

I do know how bloody hopeless it all seems, and when you aren't getting support it is even worse. But killing yourself won't help it will just make your 'family happy and I don't think that is a good idea.

We can get caught up on stuff, I know that so well. I and many others have tried suicide. Luckily my attempts failed, which is pretty obvious!!  And I'm glad they did. I did find the end of the tunnel and life is now good.

It will be for you as well.

If you are feeling really bad do call lifeline. I can send you the numbers. They talked me down and they are good.

Keep chatting to me OK

Cindy

[Kelly J. P.]

 If you end things, you'd just be letting your tormentors win. It's pretty natural to hate life, for a lot of people, and I totally understand where you are coming from. I think you're pretty wrong about thinking that you can't be happy, though, because you are capable of weathering this storm of drama and cruelty, and once you have, you'll be able to soar. You just have to take off, and that means riding against the wind.

You want your surgery more than you want your death, and I know you still want to be happy. You're a good person, and it'd be an awful waste if you decided not to pursue those things. The path is not going to be easy, and you know that very well, but you can take comfort in the fact that it's something you are capable of navigating. You'll need to cover your heart with steel, but you can definitely make it through this.

Please remain strong. It makes me incredibly sad that you're considering this finality... and I wish I could be there for you.

[Jamie D]

"Keep your chin up and stay strong, anyone who thinks people like us have a problem are the ones with the problem, remember that!"

Whoever said this is a pretty smart guy.

[Cindy]

Looking at your avatar you are a very good looking guy. You reckon you look 16? I know many FtM tend to look like younger guys but you look like a regular 20 year old guy. Cute too 

Whoops.

What I meant was I like guys who wear ties well and you do.

[nicks]

Thank you everyone...I don't even know what I want out of my post...but I feel better knowing there are people who understand what this feels like unlike my family. It's true, I want my surgery more than death and I want so bad to be happy but I feel like just giving up. What is the point of it all when ill be Stuck in that environment and probably be alone my whole life. I've tried to kill myself before I started transitioning, being in the hospital while the drs and nurses tried to fix me was humiliating. I felt awful about it, like i was wasting their time so if I did try now I want to be damn sure it works...but I am too scared of what comes next if anything. I'm 50/50.


I wish the government helped pay for our GRS so we could complete our transitions and still be able to afford a roof over our heads.

I wish I was more active in this community as everyone is so supportive and caring of one another, but I'm so so so shy.

[Cindy]

Nothing wrong in being shy. And nothing wrong in not knowing what the post was about.

You mention family and the rejection 'your' family has given you. We are also your family and we will not reject you. Your family here knows what it is like. WE live it, every second of every day.

We are the ones who walk the walk and talk the talk, and WE never give up.

Yes stuff is tough, and you are one hell of a guy to keep going. And how do you keep going? Because you are a man and that is what men do. They live their lives and they stand their ground and they face their problems. They overcome and they are independent.

Yes it can take time, yes it is not easy.

But guess what? Nature didn't give us the 'it's an easy life gene' but we do have friends and family. We are here.

There is nothing that we cannot do together.

Cindy

[Keaira]

Hi Nicks,


I know you are hurting and that life seems to be worthless for you. That is not the case. Suicide solves nothing. It just means that they win. As long as you are alive, it's a defiant stand against their intolerance and small-mindedness. Some day they may see that their petty infighting just caused them to lash out at each other and cause more pain.
Endure, get your surgery and then you can start over elsewhere. Should you wish to leave your family behind, you would have a fresh start. It happens to a lot of us. You need to be strong for no one else but yourself. *hugs*

We're here for you Nicks. And we're not going anywhere.

[Devlyn]

Hi Nick, sorry you're having a tough go. You always have people to talk to here. It sounds like you need to get out on your own so you can set your own terms. Make it a goal to aim for. Hugs, Devlyn

[smittyFTM]

Nicks,
I go through very, very dark periods & my depression can be debilitating...so I know how that desire to end it creeps in.

Look, my parents have always been  narcissistic and physically & emotionally abusive. When my little brother was 16, he couldn't take his depression & my parents' abuse any longer. He shot & killed himself. That was in 1995. Know what? Our parents are still narcissistic, abusive ->-bleeped-<-s with whom I have had no relationship in years and my brother is dead.

Cut ties with your family if that's what it takes,  and L I V E.
xo

[justmeinoz]

Please stay with us. You are part of the family and I would be sad to see you were no longer here. 

Your father is responsible for his own decisions so if he doesn't want to throw them out, it really is up to him. He is an adult.   Personally I would tell them to get out and never return, and if they refused I would simply ring the Police and threaten to have them charged with trespass. Tough  but it is self preservation.

I have been going through a tough patch myself but I refuse to give up.  Sometimes it is hard not to let my reaction to what others say bring me down, but I know I will bounce back.  To hell with everyone else, I am trying to forgive myself for how I feel about something that was said over the weekend that triggered a bad response a day later.  It was suddenly too hard, just like the reaction you have described. 

I have talked to a counsellor I know personally and and am trying to get back to appreciating that I have a lot of good qualities that more than counter the fact that I still have a bloke's plumbing.  I am more than my genitals.  If there are lesbians in this town who can't see past that to the point where they refuse to even make conversation, then stuff 'em! 

As far as I can see you look the same as any other 20-something guy, and being attracted to women it is unlikely I would  see you as a potential partner, age gap notwithstanding.  I would be more than happy to relate to you as a male friend,  no different to any of the students I go to Uni with.

I am trying to let a quote from Julia Serrano guide me," There are men with vaginas and women with penises, and the world is just going to have to get used to it."  And I would add, "and pull its collective head in!"

Hang in there mate.

Karen.

[Josh]

nick, i can honestly say: i kno how you feel, and mean it

[Rita]

Death ends all, including the future.  And the future is something that can always be changed, hence why we can transition 

I was raised as a child and taught a very genderless value, never give in, fight fight fight!

[AdamMLP]

There's nothing I can say other than I've been in a situation where there I saw no other option but to kill myself and give in to the rigors of life, but I made it though and I'm so glad that I did.  My best-friend/ex/honorary sibling (they were more of family than mine really ever had been, too many hours spent working and not enough spent with their child kind of killed our relationship before it started, and trying to parent out of a textbook never seemed to help either) was mentally unstable and was making me choose between them and the one person who had made me happy a midst years and years of depression.  I couldn't face leaving the one chance of a respite from the hell that was in my brain, but nor could I abandon the person I cared about and had been through so much with, but in the end I had to think about myself and cut the ties with my friend because I had to look after myself.

That happened just under a year ago, but Halloween last year I was kept in hospital overnight after one of my suicide attempts.  That's how bad I'd gotten, to the point that I had to be locked up in order to be safe, and even in there it was a constant struggle not to do anything.  I don't know how I did it, and it was one of the hardest things, but I managed to pull through it, and now life has rarely been better.  Actually I can't think of any better times; I have some friends, I have a future, but most importantly I don't have depression.

I never thought it would be possible to be happy - or even alive - but I am.  You can make it too, just be strong and remember that although we don't know you personally and we don't know your exact situation we will still do what we can to help you and get you through this.  You can do it, it's not as impossible as it seems.  Take it in small steps and suddenly you'll realise you're over halfway there.

[aleon515]

Nicks, I am not sure what to say for this, except to say I have definitely been there. I know that you can get thru this. I think a lot of people here care. If you want to message me please do.

Being mentally abused is likely to be a lot of your problem, I think. This is, I think, more of an issue than being trans. I had a very close friend who was abused and it took many years for her to get away from him and live the life she should live and stop having PTSD about it.

You look very handsome btw.

--Jay J

[Sawdust]

Maybe you could consider going back into school. Find schools that will give you grants and scholarship. Get a dorm if there are single occupancy or look for a roommate in an apartment nearby. Get a student loan if you must. A bad environment doesn't change unless something completely throws it out of whack. There must be some option for you, even if it isn't a great one.

[ChaoticTribe]

You mention that you cannot move out because you have phallo scheduled a few months (less than a year!) away. If THAT is the reason you can't afford to move, then the best thing you could possibly do is wait it out and then move once you're healed from surgery.

Yes it will be expensive, you may be poor as all get out. You could end up in a group home temporarily, but you know what? You won't stay that way. And once you're happy with yourself and away from the fools and maniacs making your life a living heck, you will be GLAD you pushed through.

Phalloplasty is still just a dream to me. To be honest, it's not even on my mind because I can't imagine being able to EVER afford it. I had top surgery a few days ago and am getting metoidioplasty/urethral lengthening next year. You've already got a good thing going and clearly either make decent money, found an amazing deal, or are GREAT at saving. If it's the first or third, that will get you a LONG way in life. If it's the second, you still got a good hand there, brother.

******

As for your appearance and looking young, that is very normal for some guys. My cisgender male father still gets carded for alcohol, and I am old enough to drink now! People assume we are the same age though he's 20 years older than myself. When it comes to looking young, don't let that get you down.

Sometimes people think my fiance is my dad and I'm his son, because I honestly sometimes look to be about 12 or 14, but people don't date someone just because they look OLDER, in fact, the better you age the MORE people are going to want to date you. It may not seem that way, and being shy you are probably a little socially awkward like me so you can be missing positive signals and catching only the bad ones.

Please, just don't throw your life away. You're reaching further than many of us ever can, and there will be a way out. If you can't handle living with your family there are other options. Not good options, maybe not even ones you would accept, but they're out there. Sounds to me though like if you can tough it through a few more months with those human beasties then you will be well set to enjoy your brand new life, even if there is a rocky start to it.

Good luck, Sir.

[Epi]

Two Words: Conservation Corps

1 year long minimum wage paid program (housing is available) and you get to protect your states own natural beauty.  Win-Win!  Plus everyone loves a man in uniform.

Hope you're feeling better today Nick.

[aleon515]

Two Words: Conservation Corps

1 year long minimum wage paid program (housing is available) and you get to protect your states own natural beauty.  Win-Win!  Plus everyone loves a man in uniform.

Hope you're feeling better today Nick.

I think this is a great idea. Get away from people who poison you. I worked for VISTA back before it was Americorps. The big problem was it was not organized/structured enough for a young person. They have redone things a lot. It was really good for a couple more reasons: excellent health insurance (it's basically what Congress gets) and a little stipend that they put away for you. You could reup after a year, which I didn't do. I don't know if they still do the later.

Also please post. We are worried about you!


--Jay J