Hi everyone. I just thought I should introduce myself. My name is Ashley. I'm 35 and have just made the decision to start tranisitioning. I've known that I'm trans since at least the fifth or sixth grade. What really sucks is that about 10 years ago it all started coming to a head, but I'm such a coward that I haven't done anything to further myself along.
Instead, I got married and had children, thinking that I would be able to bury these feelings and be a good husband and father. Instead, I've secretly been dressing and purging many times throughout the years. I also turned to food and started overeating. Part of it was a way to keep myself from entertaining the idea of transitioning because I would in no way be able to pass for a woman.
Now, here I sit in the middle of the night as I'm changing my online accounts to reflect my final decision. I made it nearly a week ago. Well, that's wrong. This decision was made a lifetime ago, but I've been to cowardly to acknowledge it, even to myself. But, I am unable to continue on being a man because that's not who I am. I look at YouTube videos and see younger women transform and look beautiful and I hate myself more for not starting when I had the chance.
Now, I face the prospect of hurting my wife and children. I've tried to drop subtle hints throughout the years and she has made it quite clear that our marriage will not survive this. The only understanding person that I think I could count on is my mother. She caught me twice wearing my sister's underwear. She even asked me if I wanted to be dress and be treated like a girl, but again, I took the coward's way out and told her no, all the while screaming in my mind "yes!" I think she suspects that I still struggle with this as we've talked over the years and she believes that for many people being gay, lesbian and transgendered are not choices but a biological imperative. I've tried over the years to fight it, to believe that I had a choice in this, but here I sit realizing that I don't. I am a woman. I have always been female and will become female.
I have to admit that the temptation to self-medicate is very strong, despite the risks. I used to wonder if all I needed was a little estrogen to make me feel normal. But, again, that's wrong as I know where this will lead. I already know that I can't do this halfway. I've thought it through and have examined every angle but I know that I will end up with SRS and maybe even FFS, though the last time I wore a wig I looked exactly like my sister (except with a 5-o'clock shadow). That was my original AHA! moment. I finally saw the girl inside who wants to get out. There's no going back now.
Anyway, I'm sorry to have rambled on. This is the first time I've vented all of this frustration out (I have not gone to see a therapist yet). I'm still quite nervous as I will have to come out to my wife sooner rather than later. I am hoping that I can lose some weight (I'm 5'8" and weigh in at 205lbs), possibly start electrolysis or laser hair removal before I do so that it won't be as shocking to her. On the other hand, I've toyed with the idea of just coming out and telling her or just leaving, but that's too much like running away, which again, is the coward's way out.
Thanks for listening.
