Got into a Really Mixed Up Situation with a Friend

[Strom]

Okay, a few weeks ago a guy who my friend is friends with went into a sudden rant about how his cousin has transitioned, and followed with just a big pile of stuff that I'm not even going to touch. Since then I avoided the friend of a friend as much as I could. But now my friend keeps saying that we three should get a flat together, and I had to tell him why I had a problem with this guy. I didn't tell him anything about myself, but he asked a few times if I was transsexual. I refused to answer, saying it didn't even matter, you didn't have to be the victim to see it was wrong. Which he took to be an indirect yes.
And my friend is a cool guy, but...I just can't even begin to explain to him what years of dysphoria and confusion were like, leading up to a horrible head last year when stuck between having a break down and transitioning, my girlfriend helped me find the third option of just being me. I really don't want to get into explaining to him what being a physical woman who is also a guy who acts to both extremes of gender roles in the same breath is. But I also didn't want to lie to him and tell him there was nothing going on there with me.
So now he is 100% convinced I'm MTF, and okay with that, but it's not true of course. And the very idea of going into telling him what's actually going on just makes me freeze up. I didn't want to talk about this with anyone. I wanted finally going to university to be a fresh start where I could get away from the people who knew what's been going on, and let me try and find a way to not think about it all the time. And it's blown up spectacularly in week six. I need help knowing what to do, I'm just a ball of stress.

[Damian]

Maybe you should write him a letter explaining to him, since you can't do it in person it might be easier to write all of your feelings down and send it to him, make the return address a PO box so he can't find where you are living or going to be living if it escalates.

[Beth Andrea]

If he's a friend who cannot or will not take the time to understand you...do you really want him as a friend? Or even as a room mate?

Please realize that the problem lies with them, not us. Most people are kind and understanding.

[JenniL]

Two way Rain's letter idea is a good approach. probably the best because lets face it. it is a lot easier to get all your thoughts and feelings down and convey them correctly instead of face to face. I still do the letter thing if I can't get a good feeling on how a person would react face to face. letters do two things. it allows the person to digest the information easier and it doesn't allow emotions to control the situation.

If the letter thing isn't something you want to do. you can still do the letter and use it to organize your thoughts to personally talk to the person. Just talk to the person in a location that he will behave in.

So take it as an opportunity to educate him. If he still is the same, afterwards, you can move on at least.

Jennifer

[suzifrommd]

I didn't tell him anything about myself, but he asked a few times if I was transsexual. I refused to answer, saying it didn't even matter, you didn't have to be the victim to see it was wrong. Which he took to be an indirect yes.

Can you tell him you need to speak to him and arrange a quiet uninterrupted time? Then explain to him that "are you a transsexual" is an incredibly invasive question to ask anyone, whether they are or aren't? (Face it, you're telling a woman she looks like she used to be a man. Don't know many women, natal or transitioned, who would take that as a compliment.) IMO the nicest thing you can do for this person is explain to him how rude his behavior is. If he doesn't already know, he needs someone to tell him or he's going to be walking around with his foot stuffed in his mouth for the rest of his life.