Anyone else in such denial they question transitioning?

[SI3]

Hi there hopefully this is an alright place to post.
My name's Shanon, I'm a 20 year old Ftm who is a little more than not self accepting.
I've been considering hrt and srs since age 16 but always beat into myself that it's a phase or that I'm not really trans. Unfortunately as time goes on I'm more and more depressed in my body.

I feel like no one will love me and my girlfriend will leave me. I also feel as though I will never have a job. I know there are plenty of trans people living happily, but I'm terrified to the point I'm putting things off.

I just don't know where to turn.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Find a good gender therapist is the first step.

[ALX]

Hi Shanon..
Yeah thinking about transitioning is a really big step so of course there will be worry and doubt. To me it only means you get just how big a step it is. No matter what you will decide later on, you're doing a lot better than I was since I was completely in denial at your age. Cut yourself some slack okay? Something that might help is looking at things you want for your future, maybe talk about this with your girlfriend too. I feel for me nothing makes who I want to be quite as clear as defining what I want to do with my life.  And yes.. go see a good therapist.. if the therapist is bad, get thee to a good therapist who is on the same page with you.
Hang in there

PS let us know how you're doing

[SI3]

Thank you for the suggestions. I've been debating going through the sherbourne clinic or Camh for awhile  I even asked my doctor t refer me but he just gave me this big speech about lesbians wanting to be men and never gave the referral. I guess I'll just call and see what I can do. I do have the support of friends so I'm not totally alone.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Thank you for the suggestions. I've been debating going through the sherbourne clinic or Camh for awhile  I even asked my doctor t refer me but he just gave me this big speech about lesbians wanting to be men and never gave the referral. I guess I'll just call and see what I can do. I do have the support of friends so I'm not totally alone.

I would dump your doctor. Obviously he knows nothing about Transpeople.

[JoanneB]

I've been in the self-denial I am just a cross-dresser plus mindset for most of my life. Actually more like self delusional, since from childhood I always dreamed of being a girl, absolutely sure I am a TS, absolutely sure that I could never transition. My only option was to perservere giving "Normal" a fair shot.

Your fears were about the same as mine concerning transition. No one could possibly love me, I'd have no real job, the possible public humiliation on top of hating my body as it is on top of 18 years of hell being an outcast, different.

[suzifrommd]

I know there are plenty of trans people living happily, but I'm terrified to the point I'm putting things off.

Several schools of thought here, Shanon.

Many say, don't put it off, it will just get worse, etc.

I'm not so sure.

Everyone I know who had a successful transition felt like they *had* to do it. That there is no choice, that the alternative had become so unthinkable that they had to move forward. At that point fear and terror are not part of the mix. You have to, so the fear doesn't matter.

That's where I am. I have doubts aplenty (I'm 51. If transition were so inevitable, how did I live five decades without the slightest desire. And look at me. So clearly a male. Where do I get off calling myself a woman?) and a lot of fear. But I can't imagine another year of people seeing me as a male. There's just no alternative.

Hope this helps.

[spacial]

My situation is down a blind ally now, but I well recall some of the ways I tried to avoid having to face up to things.  Denying that it exists was an obvious one. But the fear of consequences was a very real persistent problem.

If I may, you don't need to do anything you don't want to. You don't need to develop your body and your manner to be entirely your goal gender. You do as much as you wish.

I so wish I had had the ugly bits removed. I can live with the rest. It would be wonderful to do everything. The reality is, I was never sure if I could pull it off to myself.

Once you understand that you only pull off what you want to, as much or as little as you want to, then I think it becimes an easier prospect to accept.

[JoanneB]

Everyone I know who had a successful transition felt like they *had* to do it. That there is no choice, that the alternative had become so unthinkable that they had to move forward. At that point fear and terror are not part of the mix. You have to, so the fear doesn't matter.

That's where I am. I have doubts aplenty (I'm 51. If transition were so inevitable, how did I live five decades without the slightest desire. And look at me. So clearly a male. Where do I get off calling myself a woman?) and a lot of fear. But I can't imagine another year of people seeing me as a male. There's just no alternative.

Or.... Transition is just another word for nothing left to loose

[JenniL]

Hi.

Transitioning to me is getting to the point where you are happy and content with yourself. Be it dressing as male or female, getting on hormones, or getting to the point where SRS needs to happens. Me, SRS is in my goals and eventually I will get there but that is not say you may be happy just staying on HRT or even just dressing in the appropriate gender you want too. Bottom line is everyone is different.

But definitely get talking with a therapist. As for your doctor. Kick his butt to the curb because he obviously is clueless about trans issues.

Jennifer

[ALX]

I would dump your doctor. Obviously he knows nothing about Transpeople.

Δ what Mrs O Brian said (for emphasis)

[Taka]

dump your doctor. not because he doesn't know about trans people, but because he refuses to refer you to an expert on something he knows nothing about. doctors like that kill people by saying nothing's wrong without getting any experts to check it out properly.

an example of how dangerous those kind of doctors are would be one of my old neighbors. she was sick, and her memory suddenly started failing majorly. the doctor didn't see any connection there at all, and concluded that the memory loss was due to dementia (she was over 70). around a year later she died of a brain tumor that they discovered only a month before her death.

[SI3]

Thanks guys.

I just feel I've been out to the people I'm close with for so long (apart from my Gf) and I've been working towards it for so long that if I don't do anything soon I'll go mad. I just feel so much hurt and pain when everyone says I'm a girl or groups me in with girls.

[GendrKweer]

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

We are all unique and special, blah blah blah. But one thing I can WITH CERTAINTY swear to you is this that we all have in common: No matter our ages, 20, 30, 40 or more, we ALL wish we had taken action sooner. So get a good therapist, and if you find you are on the road to becoming, then run, don't walk.

Good luck!

[Kris14]

I've been considering hrt and srs since age 16 but always beat into myself that it's a phase or that I'm not really trans. Unfortunately as time goes on I'm more and more depressed in my body.

I know how you feel. For awhile i was just telling myself that it couldn't be, merely because I was too scared and embarrassed to say that I really was trans. But its a kind of block, you have to talk yourself through it. Really tell yourself that this is real. I mean I know it doesn't sound like much, but with some time it might work. Just remember, the only think holding you back is yourself!

[justmeinoz]

I hit a pot-hole last week and did consider whether I should de-transition.  For about half a second.  Basically because I would not know how to live as a man any more. 
I am a woman, it's is just a question of staying focused and positive,  accepting that I have worth and that I have friends who love me for who I am. 
As for any relationships, I have had my share of disfunctional ones, so just need to be patient to find someone like the trans women I know who are in long term relationships.
It will get better.

Karen.

[spacial]

I've been bombarded with those 'Inspirational Messages Cards' from someone I 'friended' on Facebook, recently.

But Karen's response has just inspired me to suggest yet another:

I'll reconsider how I'm doing this,

But not what I'm doing!

Apologies for adding to the corny card habit!!  Hugs and admiration to Karen. Well done love!

[FTMDiaries]

All the time. Deep inside, I've known I was supposed to be a boy since I was 5 years old, but other people's reactions to me convinced me that it was just me being 'weird' or 'wrong'. I was told repeatedly that I'm really a girl and that I'm expected to behave like one, so I spent the next 35 years desperately trying to figure out how to do that.

It wasn't until this year, age 40, that I finally came to a crisis point where I simply couldn't live any longer with society treating me like a female. And like you, I feel a sharp, stabbing pain whenever anyone tries to lump me in with 'the girls'. I even have a colleague who calls me 'lovely lady'. She's adorable and means well, but I just want to scream "I'm NOT a LADY!!!".

So yes, see a good therapist. They're not there to tell you what you should do: that's your job. They're just there to help you clarify your thoughts so you can make the right decision for yourself. Whatever it is, embrace it wholeheartedly as life's too short to spend it pretending to be something you're not. I wish I'd had the courage to stand up to my dysphoria when I was your age.

Good luck!