feeling like everything i do is wrong!

[lightningeyes91]

hello, everyone

First to give you some background, I'm a bi-sexual female who started a relationship 8 months ago. After 7 months of dating, my (girlfriend) told me, he's actually a male stuck in a female body. we decided to stay together. i was the only one he has ever told.

together we slowly started telling people, everyone except the people at his work know now.

my SO has not started hormone therapy, or anything yet, but lately i have just been feeling like everything i do is wrong. i slip up and stay the wrong things like using she at home, or he at his work because he doesnt want them to know yet. when he first told me we had a long talk about what was ok and what wasnt ok, and i find my self slipping up alot and going back to doing the things i thought were ok before he told me. it causes us to fight alot. i fell so bad for making him feel uncomfortable and doing things that we have said are no longer ok. it's taking me a long time to get use to everything. i just feel so useless even when im trying to help i feel like sometimes i just hurting.

i was just wondering if anyone had some suggestions, to make thing easier on the both of us? i would really like the advice!

thanks, lightningeyes

[RedFox]

Situational use of pronouns can be difficult. I think as long as he knows you're honestly trying than he should give you some leeway.  Just talk to him about it, especially about how you're feeling right now - bad for causing him pain by saying or doing the wrong things.  Switching something so fundamental to most people is not something that can be done in a day - especially if there are rules like, use it here but not here.  Sounds simple but it's not - if you've mentally adjusted to saying he than that's a good thing for him, right?  So it would then seem unnatural and like lying to say "she" at work, correct?

Lightening Eyes, have patience with each other and don't be so hard on yourself.  You obviously love him and are staying with him, that's more than many of us have after coming out to our SO.

Good luck!

[lightningeyes91]

dear, Sagefox

thank you, i do love him with all my heart, i know i over think things a lot. i have anxiety and depression issues myself that cause me to stay up all night worrying about what i think i have done wrong during the day. i know that this is just the beginning and things are going to get way harder before they get better. i just wish i was better at communicating what im feeling. which i thought i was doing a lot better but every time i bring up this subject with my SO all i get in return is anger. which causes us both to shut down.     

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Sometimes a simple apology and reaffirmation of your love for your SO, can be enough to open the door to communication.  Always make sure that you use "I' went talking about yourself.  Never say things like "You should" or "You need to".  That will stop everything.

[lightningeyes91]

Thanks a lot I will keep that in mind!

[justmeinoz]

It is a tough call to change something so basic, so go easy on yourself.  You are doing great.

Just being there and giving your guy a hug or having a snuggle on the couch watching TV will say more than a lot of words.  Guys communicate non-verbally a lot, so things like that will show him you see him as your boyfriend.  Just treat him like any other guy and it should be fine.

Karen.

[lightningeyes91]

thanks Karen (i hope i spelled that right if not im sorry)
yesterday when my boy friend got home, i was waiting with ice cream, A warm blanket and his favorite movie. it went great. we didnt fight all night. thank you for the advice. 

[justmeinoz]

I love good news. 

[AnOwlForTara]

I agree that it is difficult to keep the pronouns straight in the right places. I'm going through this sort of situation with my fiance right now, and, while I have never slipped up in front of anyone in public, I am finding it much harder to say "he." It used to be that I would have awkward correcting-myself moments at home when she first gave me permission to start using feminine pronouns, but now I really have to watch myself in public so I don't "misgender" her in front of people she isn't ready to share with. My diligence in public means that I have to relax more at home, and that means that I do occasionally misgender/misname her at home. The fact that my in-public record has been flawless so far means that she forgives my home slip-ups since she can see that I really am trying. At the same time, when I think or talk to myself, I almost never call her "he" or by her male name anymore, which is making the risks of public slip-ups higher. It's difficult, and I think it gets easier, especially as our SOs get more comfortable with sharing their true selves with the outside world.

Good luck!

[lightningeyes91]

thanks, i try to do the same, like you said im so used to saying he now, i find my self correcting other who know and slip up. im afraid one day im going to do this it his work. we do all  our shopping there because it is so close and everyone there knows me. i would really hate to slip up, but its becoming so natural i even say he at my own work. i really try my hardest.