Is there anyone like me?

[Aleah]

You should do a clean bulk, you need some more fat and muscle. One of the best features of HRT is fat redistribution, happens to your body and face. If you don't have enough fat, you might not get the redistribution. I'm not an expert on HRT, maybe someone with someone medical knowledge can confirm or deny this but this is my assumption.

After a few months you can do a cut to get back down, but do get some calipers and check your bf % at that point.

At the very least, try to stay at your current weight while on HRT, so try to eat at or slightly above your maint cals.

Also there is no way to "improve" your figure without bulking unfortunately, especially if you want to put some fat on your hips/buns.

[muuu]

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[A]

The way to feel better about bones? Focus on some other parts that are better. As for me, when I feel bad about my male-shaped and hairy body (much worse than yours in that regard by the way), I focus on my good voice, okayish face and okay height.

And if you manage to put on some weight (because seriously, the weight you described sounded more like anorexia than being skinny), fat redistribution will be very kind to you. Actually, now is the one best time to put on weight. You're skinny and your body is initiating HRT's changes. If your hormone levels are right, all of the fat will go in the right places. They'll smooth out your waist, help your hips and butt, etc. You should be seeing a feminine figure appear gradually. Surprisingly feminine.

But you do need to put on weight - and if you're still anywhere near that skinny, a lot of it. Because if you don't have much fat, your body can't work with it much. And trust me, fat redistribution can make heck of a difference.

By the way, the measurements you give seem to be quite within the hourglass shape ideal. That's what girls traditionally want, because culture convinced them it was the best body shape. Regardless of opinion on this, for society, hourglass shape = feminity boost. So. I haven't seen you, but I think you might be distorting your mental image of yourself. Anorexics do that, and it can end ugly...

If after all that, you're still obsessed with your body, I'm afraid you might need professional help from a psychologist. Trans or not, severe self-image issues require treatment. And being trans very much amplifies (sometimes at least) such issues, so. Yeah, don't be ashamed or scared to go to a psychologist if you need to. And if within a few seconds of reading this, you thought that you didn't need one, you most probably do need one. Personal experience.

[muuu]

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[justmeinoz]

Sounds like you need a new therapist, possibly a psychiatrist or at least a psychologist specialising in body issues.  Skinny to the point of emaciation is not physically healthy or psychologically, and will not help your transition.  Perhaps you need to focus on that rather than the physical.

Karen.

[muuu]

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[Aleah]

I was a lot like that a while ago, I knew nothing about food or exercise and I was depressed, I gained weight and hated my body. I was so afraid to even start my transition because of how disgusting I thought I looked and just assumed my transition would be a failure.

Keep in mind, these days, it's not uncommon for women to have poor body image.

But I realised that you can do a lot to build the body you want, I guess thats why they call it "bodybuilding".

I've talked a lot about exercise, and that alone can go a long way to improve your body, your self image and mood. Once you start seeing some progress towards your goal, it starts to feel real good.

But I'll talk a little about food now:

AVOID FRUCTOSE LIKE THE PLAGUE. This stuff is poison, it is in a lot of processed foods and is usually labeled "sugar" or "cane sugar". It directly metabolizes directly into fat and bypasses your glycogen banks. This alone can have a huge impact on your mood and eating habits.

"Clean" bulking is pretty much just this, avoiding dirty foods.

Use a site like calorieking.com to see the cals and sugar content of foods you eat, I've never really used a food scale, you can roughly guesstimate how much cals you eat and just try to stay under or over your target. Don't confuse carbohydrates with sugars, carbs are fine, even sugars are fine as long as it's like glucose (but this is very rare, so just try to avoid sugars in general).

If you are bulking, try to eat high cal density foods, peanut butter and whole egg mayo (don't get the low fat kind, they just replace fat with sugar, ends up worse, this is true for a lot of so called "low fat" stuff), are both tasty and simple products to increase your cal intake.

Eat a lot of meat, rice, pasta, dark green vegetables, wholemeal breads etc. for main meals. A simple dish I have a lot is broiled chicken breast, rice and brocolli (easy to cook just chuck the frozen vegetables and rice into a rice cooker), with some mustard if I'm cutting, or a whole bunch of whole egg mayo if I was bulking. Avoid high sugar condiments (bbq, tomato sauce, etc.).

After a few weeks, you'll be amazed how good it feels to eat properly! I hope this helps and good luck!

[A]

Uhm. Eating once a day only isn't -necessarily- unhealthy given that you do it right, but it probably is. Digestive systems aren't quite made to support a whole day's worth of food at a time, so if you do that, I believe that you're either not eating well (too calorie-dense, unhealthy) or not eating enough. You should aim for two real meals a day, at least.

How about seeing a nutritionist? The way I understand it, it's free in Sweden. And no one can help you more than a nutritionist when it comes to adjusting your diet and making it fit with yourself.

As for passing, don't even worry. You're thin; you're young. It would take a catastrophe, the worst luck on Earth, for you not to pass. Even if you need FFS for it. Which you probably don't. Not many people actually need FFS to pass, except maybe older ones.

And yes, I agree that a new psychologist is what you should look for. When they refuse to see that depression can hardly be effectively treated because it has large GID roots nurturing it, it's not very effective. That's like trying to extinguish a fire without turning the gas off. You might be able to do it, but it's not exactly effective.

As for being scared to say it, how about going the coward way? Write it or email it, and let them do the talking; just answer. It's easy that way.

[Michelle G]

[muuu]

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[A]

You guess a nutritionist would be a good idea? I say, it certainly is the best idea you might have. Go, go, call before you have the time to make up reasons not to go!

How do you expect HRT to allow you to develop if you don't even have all you need to live normally? Plus I'm pretty sure some of your depressive symptoms could be worsened by your bad eating habits.

At least, get a good multivitamin for now. It's not worth healthy eating, but it's certainly better than nothing.

Oh yeah, and you could take up my tip for exercising: Dance Dance Revolution! I can't bring myself to exercise in public, but (until my mat broke this summer :c) this fun game allowed me to exercise at home. And for comfort, I could even have the fan pointed at me all the time, and I had the shower just steps away. :3 It's really fun, and the best thing is that you don't really need motivation.

There are steps that you need to do -now-. The game forces you to exercise in a fun, immersive way. And it's a pretty effective cardio exercise that won't build up muscle in an unpleasant way. Just make sure you stretch before and after, or you could get seriously painful calves ~

You don't even need a console. There are DDR-like games for PCs, and a mat can be pretty cheap. Order it through the Internet, and you're ready to go~ If you have an Xbox, Wii, Xbox 360, Playstation 2 or Playstation 3, though, of course, there are the actual games. The older ones can be crazy cheap, too.

As for psychologists... For one, I think I can pretty safely say that you probably won't get another one like that. It's amazing that one even exists and has a licence. The vast majority of psychologists are at least not harmful.

I think your best bet, if you have a good "shopping pool", is to go for one who has a good amount of experience with gender issues, so they know what you're going through and understand it, but doesn't necessarily specialise in them in particular, so they don't strictly go "gender gender gender gender" and lead you to think that gender issues are the only one thing that's wrong and that you can't work on anything else.

That's most probably just as wrong as GID being a secondary, background problem and that you need to settle everything else before you even start to address it.

[Ave]

I like when bones are visible... so well, it's kind of a synonym to skinny...
Like this: http://imgur.com/mtfLn,zWe5F,Ruhe0,0eFHY#0

wow, big fan of the look, but it reminds me of the stuff I used to use as thinspo...

[muuu]

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[Natkat]

im rather skinny as well, being ftm I wished I didnt had such wide hips.
I have generally no fat there and still there wide, people say I just should lose weight but I am already on the limit to  be underweight + that being skinny just show my hip bones.

now im on homones it been helping alot, I did lose the fat I had on the hip and moved to my stomach I also got wider shoulders by working out. my hips are still wide but when you compare it to my shoulder then you dont see it.
The same will pretty much happent for you if you start just opposite, your shoulders probably wouldnt be much smaller, unless you got mucles there and you lose mucle mass. but your hips would get wider and it would help on the general look.

I am not just talking about "getting fat" its more about where you fat is going to get, females manly has more fat on there hips and men has more fat on ther stomach. the whole shape thing might not be much no a size matter but its more an ilusion fact.
ex: if your have more fat on your hips then your shoulders atomatically seams smaller cause people compare your whole look together.

I dont know if this helps but I dont think you should give up right away, I seen girls who had pretty wide hips as well, one girl from my last school where cis and her shoulders where very wide and she had pretty much no hops, I was sort of jelous actually. so having wide shoulders isnt just a transthing, ciswomen can also have that. I guess we all have parts we hate, I always hated my face cause its extremly female,
I do pass for my voice and for not having any boobs but if I am covered in a big jacket and I dont speak I can still be misgendered for my soft features. I cant really help it only thing is I must try to focus on some other points, I focus alot on my hair then because it can make my face look smaller depending on the haircut.

I hope its a help even if im just rambling.

wish you all the best,

[A]

Why do you need a reason? Just call to cancel your appointment because you can't, don't take another, and go to another therapist, if you feel like doing it that way. If you want to tell her why, just say you've found someone more aligned with you.

And... if you can look at those pictures without thinking "she's sick; she'll die", yeah, looks like you have all the fun of anorexia going for you... I can't even figure out where her organs go if she's so thin she can literally grab herself with her hand.

[muuu]

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[Natkat]

Since you are Swedish have you tried to be a part of some online groups ex like Trans Öresund on fb or
asked advice for RFSL?

[muuu]

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[A]

Yeah, group therapies don't work for everyone. They were uncomfortable and hardly useful for me.

In that case, you could tell her that you don't feel that she's helping you as much as you'd like; that you might not be so compatible; that you'd like to look into the possibility of seeing someone else. She should understand.

(Hah, 3 months, sounds good. I'm not sure, but I think it was just below two years for me to get one. Well, there are the private ones at 40 (beginner) - 100+ $, but the delay for a free one is more or less that. :p And I sure can't afford a private psychologist. That's because those right-wing governments want to keep a "public health system" but don't invest enough in it, so it slowly degrades. At the same time, there's the population getting old, and they're mostly investing in stuff for those instead of the rest. Yay for simple-mindedness!)

[Natkat]

I'm really not comfortable with anyone, been suggested to try to contact some transgroup or RFSL... but I just really can't be around anyone. I'll just start thinking about what everyone else might be thinking, and get even more self conscious over my looks. Especially if this somebody would know I'm trans, it'd way more painful, because uhm, I bring sadness over them or something....

do you have bad experience by groups?
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I just wonder if they got a hotline or something.
one thing is whatever you want to go be social or feel confortable around,
another thing is how it would be practical and maybe give you some contacts or advice who is hard to find by your own.
if you call a line like that they wouldnt expect anything from you, neither to jugde you.