I just need to let off some steam. A lot of steam. Please disregard anything stupid I say. I need to let off an inarticulate scream of rage, but I may bother my neighbours if I do, so I'll do this instead.
I feel like I have temporarily backslid in terms of mental health issues. I know it's temporary. It'll pass. But in the meantime, it's friggin uncomfortable.
Oh yeah and my therapist probably thinks I'm absolutely nutters now too since I got mad at her. I've been seriously pissed off since I last talked to her too because that whole conversation was a huge reminder of why I hate people. I talked to her two weeks ago and I still feel overwhelming hatred (toward people in general). She should not be able to have this effect on me. No one should. I don't like it. I need to figure out what I'll say to her when I see her next, so I don't put my foot in my mouth. Anger = brain doesn't work as well.
There's the whole business with my family that certain events brought to the forefront of my mind again. I despise my family. They sicken me. My mom once again used that manipulative tactic I hate so much where she makes it sound like I'm being unreasonable and she's doing me a favour. Yes, telling me that my grandfather died is such a huge friggin favour. And then she must have told my dad that I was pissed because he sent me an e-mail. It was nice. Told me things about my grandpa, giving me a link to his obituary, and telling me when the funeral was (I still can't go, but it's nice to know). But it's from my dad and that sets off a whole lot of thoughts.
What I hate most about my family is that they see themselves as above me and that pisses me off. Mind you, I see myself as above them, so I suppose it's fair enough. Or that I should pretend I think so anyway. Except I am actually am stronger than them. I probably wouldn't find their weakness so disgusting if they didn't dare to think themselves above me. (My apologies if I start raving like a mad man. They bring out the Apocalypse in me. Hehe. Nerdy.)
At the moment, I feel so much hatred an anger in me that I am aware it's not healthy. It's not healthy to let other people affect me this way. I don't want to let other people affect me this way. At the same time, I have to forgive myself for this little blip and remind myself that it's normal and it's ok. That's a difficult thing to do because I have too many memories of my life going to heck because of weakness. And here comes another wave of hatred just thinking about it. I hate people. I hate weakness. It's disgusting.
On top of all that, I started doubting my gender again. Seriously? We're not over this yet? Apparently not. Although, I do find it rather telling that my doubts come when my mental health is not doing so well. When I'm more in touch with who I am, I have no doubts.
Oh yeah and my friend told me that her and her family were ok with me being trans, but they still continuously refer to me as a girl. It's not like they forget either. Strangely, they do call me by my chosen, obviously male name.
This shall pass. In the meantime, AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
(In case anyone is worried, my son is fine. I have never and will never allow myself to take my anger out on him. That would be beyond pathetic and I am much more interested in giving him the tools to lead a healthy, content life.)
